


Fallin’ to Pieces

by zorac



Series: Life in Pieces [2]
Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Other, Sacrifice Chloe Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-03-01 04:11:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 70,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13286709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zorac/pseuds/zorac
Summary: From the diary of Victoria chase, August 29th 2023:It’s strange to think that I started writing these journals exactly a decade ago. When I look back at those early entries, I barely recognize the cruel, angry girl I used to be. She has no idea how completely her life is about to fall to pieces, all the sorrow and joy that awaits her over the next ten years. I wish I could go back and tell her that no matter how bleak things may get, it’ll all be okay in the end. I wish I could tell her about the incredible life I have now – but she’d never believe me; nobody who knew me back then would.Ten years in the life of four young women from Blackwell; this story focuses on Victoria and Kate, the parallel storyPiece by Piecefollows Max and Dana. Bonus scenes and epilogues will be found inMissing Pieces.





	1. The Very Secret Diary of Victoria Chase

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as promised, here’s the companion story to _Piece by Piece_ , which is going to focus on Victoria and Kate, while that story primarily follows Max and Dana. In theory, the two stories should stand alone, but they’re intended to be read in parallel; I’ve linked a recommended reading order in the end notes of each chapter.
> 
> P.S. Don’t forget that you can use the “Hide Creator's Style” button at the top of the page if you find the layout objectionable. I tried my best to avoid Comic Sans, but you might still see it…

#### Thursday, August 29th 2013

So, I got this journal for my birthday a couple of weeks ago. My mother gave it to me in some pathetic attempt to connect, telling me about how writing her diary had helped her through some difficult times. Ugh, too little, too late! You know what would have helped? Having an actual Mom and Dad around when I was growing up instead of two strangers who worked seven days a week and rarely got home until after the nanny-of-the-month had put me to bed.

Guess what, mother? Writing about that didn’t make me feel any fucking better about it. Awesome present. And now I’ve actually put that thought on paper, I’d better damn well make sure nobody else ever reads this.

In better news, it’s my best friend Nathan’s birthday, and I finally get to see him again in a couple of days. He’s like the brother I never had, and summer has really sucked without having him to talk shit over with. He’s got some stupid thing with his parents this evening, but we’re planning a sick party for Saturday night once I’m back in Arcadia Bay. We’re going to _rule_ Blackwell this year.

Of course, I would have been the Queen of Blackwell years ago hobby if it wasn’t for that bitch Rachel. So unfair: everybody loved her, but she didn’t even give a shit! I had my eye on her crown ever since she drugged me to steal my role in _The Tempest_ , but even after she vanished, everyone was still worshipping her. Now it’s a new year, and no-one’s going to care about Rachel except for that blue-haired loser friend of hers – and she finally got her ass permanently kicked out of Blackwell, so, bonus!

Rant over. I need to finish packing.

#### Sunday, September 1st 2013

Ow, my fucking head! I have the motherfucker of all hangovers. Nathan’s party totally rocked, but I _may_ have had a little too much to drink… it was _so_ totally worth it.

Someone needs to tell the losers moving into the dorms today to _shut the fuck up_ , though.

##### Later

Thank fuck for earplugs. Managed to get some more sleep and finally feel human again. Then I made the mistake of trying to get a look at the new arrivals, and wasn’t that depressing? Somehow, I doubt we’re going to be having any worthwhile new recruits for the Vortex Club this year.

Anyway, classes start tomorrow; weird thing is, I’m actually looking forward to it. Seems like somewhere along the line, trying to get the perfect grades to go with my perfect image, I discovered that I actually _like_ learning stuff. Well, some subjects, at least. For the rest, I have minions.

#### Monday, September 2nd 2013

Turns out I was totally right about one of the newbs. Maxine fucking Caulfield with her pathetic hipster clothes that look like they came from last year’s thrift store clear-out. Get this: she uses an actual vintage Polaroid camera with that crappy self-developing film. How the hell does she expect to be taken seriously as a photographer using gear made for lazy eighties tourists?

Of course, Mark Jefferson was all over that shit and how ‘he’s the reason she came to Blackwell’. Fuck off, bitch, he’s mine! At least he still appreciates real art: I showed him some of the work I did over the summer, and he seemed pretty impressed. He’s still adorably oblivious to my flirting, though; maybe I need to be less subtle.

#### Thursday, September 12th 2013

Reason #57 why Victoria writing a journal is a bad idea: it’s been ten days since my last entry, and I hadn’t even noticed. I’m at school. What exactly is there to write about?

Oh yeah, the other new senior: goody two-shoes Kate Marsh, poster child for the religious right. Her idea of a birthday celebration was trying to persuade us all to join her abstinence club. Fat chance! I’m sure as hell not waiting until marriage to get laid. I’d rather not be waiting at all, but Mark’s still not picking up on my signals. As for my other options, Blackwell’s male student body isn’t exactly ripe with student bodies I’d like to get my hands on. Maybe Zach, but I’m not really sure he’s my type.

At least Courtney came through with the ghost-writing. Seriously, who assigns an essay on the first day of term? I don’t have time for that shit, there’s next week’s Vortex Club party to plan.

#### Saturday, September 21st 2013

Last night was _awesome_! I even remembered to drink a fuck-ton of water before coming to bed, so no hangover. Result! Best part of the evening: turning away Maxine Caulfield. Sorry, but we have a strict no-loser policy. “But it’s my birthday tomorrow,” she whined. Pathetic.

Okay, why am I wasting space on her again? Brutal honesty, since I’m never going to let anyone else read this. She may look and act like a loser, and she has that lame retro camera, but I have to admit that she has some serious talent. I’m actually a little jealous, but also annoyed about her whiny self-deprecation – have some fucking confidence, girl!

Okay, I lied. It wasn’t all awesome. I’d finally decided to make some moves on Zach, except fucking Juliet got there first, and she had him making goo-goo eyes at her the entire evening. She’s going to pay for that.

#### Monday, September 23rd 2013

Exciting news: today, Mark told us about this photography contest he wants us all to enter, ‘Everyday Heroes’. Finally, a chance to do some real art! Plus, whoever he choses to represent Blackwell gets to fly with him to San Francisco for the national final. A gallery showing that isn’t the Chase Space, plus a trip away with Mark? I _so_ need to win this. It’s not like there’s going to be much competition – Nathan, for sure; maybe you-know-who, assuming she can actually work up the nerve to enter something.

#### Sunday, September 29th 2013

Nathan went off his meds again yesterday. Same old story, he “feels fine” without them, so obviously he doesn’t need them, and the pills are just part of some big conspiracy to control him… Thing is, he’s not fine at all, he’s fucking scary. It took me until late evening to convince him to take them, and then I had to call fucking Sean to get him to smooth thing over with Wells so that Nathan doesn’t get expelled.

Of course, today he was all smiles and apologies and “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Don’t get me wrong, it feels good to be needed, but sometimes it gets exhausting always having to play the _big_ sister when I’m all of two weeks older than him. That should be Kristine’s job, but _nooo_ she’s got to be all noble and off saving the world.

#### Saturday, October 5th 2013

Another classic Vortex Club party last night, and this week’s star attraction: Kate ‘holier-than-thou’ Marsh. I have no fucking clue who let her in, or why she was even there in the first place, but she must have gone straight for the booze. In no time flat, she was making out with every boy in sight – so much for her abstinence club! Yours truly captured the whole thing on video, and I’m sure it’s going to be a big hit on YouTube. Victoria Chase, ace reporter, exposing hypocrisy at Blackwell. Eat your heart out, Juliet Watever.

Downside was, Nathan disappeared for half the night. He wouldn’t tell me where he went, either. I’m guessing he was off shooting something up in private, and I really wish he wouldn’t do that. I’m starting to get seriously worried about him, but he refuses to talk about it. Last time I tried, he totally got a rage on at me, so I have no idea what to do next. I’d talk to his parents, except that his fucking asshat of a dad is a huge part of the problem! I just hope he doesn’t do anything stupid.

#### Sunday, October 6th 2013

Finally got around to setting my revenge in motion. Ran into Juliet in town and just happened to mention to her that I’d seen a sext from Dana on Zach’s phone. Totally worth it just for the interesting color she turned, and I’ll bet the fun’s just starting.

Why Dana? Why not? It’s not like I’m oblivious to the fact that she’s the second most gorgeous woman at Blackwell, so _of course_ Zach would happily sext her.

#### Monday, October 7th 2013

Oh, Nathan, what the fuck have you done?

##### Later

I’m not sure, but I think Nathan killed someone this morning. Plenty of us heard the gunshot a few minutes after Mark’s class ended. I was still trying to get my flirting rhythm back after Maxine rudely interrupted us. The moment we heard it, Mark pushed me under he desk and told me to stay put. I hid there, terrified, waiting for some psycho with an assault rifle to burst in, but there was just silence. After a couple of minutes, Mark told me – again – to stay where I was, and vanished out into the hall.

When I heard the sirens, I decided I’d had enough and crawled out from under the desk. Looking out the window, I could see a bunch of cops rushing into the school, followed about half a minute later by the paramedics. It wasn’t long before the first pair of cops came back out, leading someone between them with his hands cuffed behind his back. I know Nathan well enough that I recognized him immediately. I pounded on the window, but he didn’t look back. I ran to the door, but Mark must have locked it behind him.

After a couple of frantic minutes, I went back to the window. It was the only way I had of trying to see what was going on. I saw the paramedics leaving – the gurney they’d hurried in with was still empty, and I had a feeling that wasn’t a good sign. Juliet was chasing after them, but they just ignored her. More police went in, what looked like some sort of CSI team, and then a female officer led out one of the students. She took a few steps, then slumped onto the wall around the fountain, looking like she was hyperventilating. Her shirt was stained red with what I realized to my horror must be blood, although she didn’t seem to be injured. The expression on her face said that her entire world had just disintegrated.

For a moment there, all I wanted was to give Maxine Caulfield a big hug, but then the cop led her away and the moment passed. Behind me, I heard the door open, and Principal Wells telling me to go back to the dorm. I demanded to know what was going on, but apparently he was “not at liberty to say”. Not knowing what else to do, I reluctantly came back here. On the way out, I could see the cops clustered outside the girls’ bathroom, and the Blackwell security creep – Madden? – was sat against the wall, actually _crying_.

I’m pretty sure there was a dead body behind that bathroom door, and that Nathan’s somehow involved. If he’s gone off his meds, or he’s having a bad reaction to some shit he took last night… I just hope they’re not going to railroad him for something that’s not entirely under his control. He needs help, the help his fucking family have been denying him for years. He sure as hell wouldn’t cope in prison.

##### Even Later

Taylor stopped by to check on me, and to pass on all the latest rumors. Some of them were blatantly ridiculous, but a couple of people saw someone with blue hair going into the girls’ bathroom a minute or so before the shot. That can only be Rachel’s hanger-on, Chloe Price. The girl always had some serious impulse control problems and a talent for winding people up, ~~so she probably drove Nathan to~~

God, what am I writing? Nobody saw her leave, so she must have been the one in the body bag. Whatever she did to provoke Nathan, she didn’t deserve that. She didn’t deserve to die.

After seeing Maxine earlier, it was no surprise to hear that she’d been in the bathroom at the time of the shooting. What did throw me, though, was hearing that in addition to the Principal – and unlike any of the other teachers – the police had taken Mark in for questioning. Obviously _he_ didn’t have anything to do it, he was with me! What a waste of time.

I just want to go to sleep, and then wake up and find that today never happened.

#### Tuesday, October 8th 2013

So much for that. Not only did yesterday happen, so did today, and I’m pretty sure it was worse. I spent most of the morning at the police station being grilled by a detective who seemed desperate to find me guilty of _something_. First he was asking about Nathan’s drug habits, so I rattled of a list of his prescription meds – I should know what they are, I’ve picked them up enough times when he’s forgotten – and pleaded ignorance on the rest. Mostly, he seemed to want the name of Nathan’s dealer, and I don’t get involved in that shit anyway.

After that, he started talking about some ‘Dark Room’. I was confused at first – pretty much everyone uses digital cameras these days. That’s when the detective produced a binder. I briefly caught a glimpse of the name ‘Kate’ on the spine before he put it on the table and flipped it open. My initial reaction was admiration for the technique in the photographs it contained, swiftly followed by mounting horror as I realized that there was no way Kate had posed for the pictures willingly. Her hands were bound with duct tape, and she looked either unconscious or drugged. The timestamp was during Friday night’s party.

I got a sick feeling as I put it all together: the questioning about drugs, Kate’s behavior at the party, Nathan’s mysterious absence. My head swam for a moment, and I almost missed what the cop said next. “So, do you still claim you had no idea what Prescott and Jefferson were doing?” That stopped me cold. Jefferson? Mark Jefferson? I latched on to that with the desperation of denial – obviously he’d taken advantage of Nathan, manipulated him. The detective sighed, and produced two more binders. The first he opened to show more photographs, this time featuring Rachel Amber. His finger slammed down on one depicting Nathan posing with her, both of them lying on the ground. Her eyes looked vacant – dead. Somehow, I wasn’t surprised when he told me that they found Rachel’s body buried at the spot in the photo.

That was when he delivered the coup de grace. The final binder. It was empty, but then he tuned it so I could see the spine, revealing the name written on it. My name. I felt like an icy hand had reached in to crush my heart, and there was a roaring sound in my ears. “So, how does it feel, knowing that you were next?” he asked.

It felt like betrayal. There was no other word for it. Maybe Jefferson had manipulated Nathan into joining whatever sick game he was playing, but I was having a hard time believing that he didn’t know exactly what he was doing. To Rachel, to Kate, to… me. After everything I’d done for him, all those times I’d helped him through a rough patch, this was how he repaid me? You can bet I told the detective everything I knew – even if it was precious little, and probably nothing they hadn’t already found out.

Eventually, they let me go, and I came back here to hide in my room and start writ—

##### Later

Well, my day just got, like, 10% worse. Maxine Caulfield came barging in while I was writing this, and dragged me off to confront Juliet, who’d locked Dana in her room. I’d completely forgotten about those sexts I told her I saw on Zach’s phone. I apologized to her, and what did I get? A slap in the face. I guess I kinda had it coming, so I didn’t even bother fighting back, I just left them to it.

It still hurts, though. Or, at least, it would on any other day. With everything else I’m feeling right now, a sore cheek barely registers.

Ow. My hand is starting to cramp up. I can’t remember the last time I did this much actual writing – that’s what keyboards were invented for.

At least I did one decent thing today: the moment I got back from the police station, I took down that that damn video of Kate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended reading order: If you started here, [Chapter One](/works/12393543/chapters/28198896) of _Piece by Piece_ , otherwise [Chapter Two](/works/12393543/chapters/28378788) of _Piece by Piece_.


	2. The Growing Pain of Victoria Chase

#### Wednesday, October 9th 2013

The truth is out, it was on the news last night. Mark and Nathan’s sick little scheme: the deaths of Rachel and Chloe, and what they did to all those other girls. They didn’t name any other names, but it still seems to be common knowledge that Kate was one of the victims. People who wouldn’t have dared talk to me a week ago have come and asked me if I’m proud of what I did. Fucking hypocrites, like they didn’t all watch the video and laugh at her. What I don’t see is any of them rushing to help Kate. I guess taking it out on me is the easier way of dealing with their own guilt.

Okay, that’s not entirely true, there is one person looking out for Kate: Maxine. I would say that they deserve each other but… Okay, maybe they _do_ deserve each other, but I actually mean that in a _good_ way. As for me, I figure that the best thing I can do for Kate right now is stay the hell away from her.

#### Thursday, October 10th 2013

Nathan’s betrayal feels like I’ve been stabbed with a Morgul blade. I might be over the shock of the initial wound, but the pain just keeps getting worse as the broken tip worms its way towards my heart. Already, I feel myself turning into a wraith, tainted by my association with evil – and my own misdeeds, of course. Certainly the people who aren’t openly telling me exactly what they think of me are mostly opting to pretend I simply don’t exist.

Taylor and Courtney are the only two people who are still talking to me, and I’m not sure how much longer _that’s_ going to last. Between Courtney trying to reassure me that there was no way I could have known what Nathan was up to, and Taylor going on about how she still thinks Kate totally over-reacted to me posting the video, I just want to scream at the pair of them.

The ‘End of the World’ party tonight is cancelled, of course. Wells called me into his office first thing this morning to tell me; at least I was able to honestly say that I’d already decided that it “wouldn’t be appropriate”. He also talked about disbanding the Vortex Club altogether, and I didn’t feel like fighting him on it. It’s probably best to let it die, maybe in a year or two some of the younger students can restart it – minus the toxic Prescott and Chase influences.

#### Friday, October 11th 2013

I literally ran away from Kate this morning. Well, not _literally_ ran – it was more of a brisk walk. We were coming opposite ways down one of the corridors when our eyes met. There’s no way I’m ready to face her, so I just turned tail and fled.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

#### Monday, October 21st 2013

My mother actually gave me some half-decent advice last week. I finally told her about all the shit that went down here, and despite the fact that she “doesn’t really see what I’m getting all worked up about,” she did suggest that I should talk to a shrink. Of course, that _does_ seem to be her answer to everything – she has her own therapist on speed-dial. Anyway, I’ve got my first appointment after school today. I just hope it isn’t a colossal waste of time.

##### Later

Well, that really _was_ a good idea. Being able to talk to someone about what happened, and have her listen to me without judgement, was surprisingly therapeutic. She asked questions that really made me think about things, in ways that I hadn’t considered before. I’m not sure I actually feel any better about myself – in fact I might even be worse – but what I _do_ now have is hope that one day I will.

#### Monday, November 11th 2013

Another Monday, another therapy session. This time I finally raised a question that’s been bothering me for weeks: should I apologize to Kate? She seems… happy: she has friends, I see her smile and laugh. I’m not sure that an apology from me would mean much, especially when it’s more than a month late. Dr. Greenbaum, of course, left me with more questions than answers, the big one being “why do you want to apologize?” Is it to make Kate feel better – or to make me feel better?

And that’s why I pay her the big bucks: I realized that’s exactly the question that’s been bugging me. Sure, I’d love it if I could magically make Kate feel better about what happened to her, but I don’t think that an apology from me is going to do that. Getting my guilt out in the open, though? Good for me. More than that, though, is the deeply ironic twist that the very thing I used to mock her for is now what I need from her – surely such a good Christian girl would find it in her heart to forgive me?

As usual, I stopped by the cinema on my way back to school for a couple of hours of escapism. A time-traveling rom-com was just what I needed to distract me from my life. Of course, that couldn’t last. As I headed back across the school quad, I passed Dana running away from the dorms like she was trying to escape something, barefoot and wearing what I’m pretty sure were pajamas. I called after her, but she simply ignored me, like everyone does these days. I was in exactly the wrong frame of mind, then, to encounter Maxine swearing up a storm on the front steps of the dorm.

Without thinking, I slipped into bitch mode as I asked what was going on. When she mentioned Dana, I made a crack about Maxine scaring her off with an attempted kiss. Apparently I hit a nerve, because her response was immediate and, frankly, scary. I took an involuntary step back before stammering out some half-assed apology and fleeing back in here. I’m just glad nobody else saw my humiliation.

Not that they’d care.

#### Tuesday, November 12th 2013

I was definitely right about those two – I caught Max ~~ine~~ coming out of Dana’s room this morning. She bit my head off before I even said anything. I’m not sure I like what that says about me: everybody expects me to be a complete bitch about everything, all the time. There’s more to me than that. At least, there was. It’s like I was working so hard at playing the part of the Bitch Queen, I don’t know how to be anything else now. I’m not sure I want to be that person any more. For one thing, it’s no fun being the queen when you no longer have any subjects.

“Take positive steps,” Dr. Greenbaum would say. Maybe I wasn’t sure about apologizing to Kate, but perhaps I could try it with someone else. Clearly I upset Max last night, so she seemed like a good place to start. I got my opportunity come lunchtime, when I spotted her with Dana in the canteen. I was nervous as I walked over. Max summoned up a pretty decent death glare, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me. When I asked if I could join them, it was Dana who invited me to take a seat.

Apologizing wasn’t easy, I’ve never like admitting that I’m wrong. But, somehow, once I’d started, the words came tumbling out of me. Not just telling her I was sorry for what I said last night, but also about my struggle to de-bitchify myself – and how I now understand that what I’d been doing to her and Kate was nothing short of bullying. At that point, realizing that I was starting to _cry_ , I blurted out a final “sorry” and practically ran from the room.

Thing is, I _do_ feel better, so that part definitely worked. What I still don’t know is whether it did the same for Max.

##### Later

Okay, so I just had an unexpected late-night visitor: Max Caulfield. She started by thanking me for not spreading rumors about her and Dana, pretty much solidifying what I was thinking earlier. “Thanks for not being a bitch,” doesn’t really say anything good about me. I promised to stay quiet, but apparently they’d let themselves get caught by Juliet, confirmed by the group “Guess Who” text I got from her a moment later – I guess she hasn’t got around to deleting me yet. “Max, duh!” I replied immediately. Scooped ya again, Watever.

Since I was still curious, I took advantage of that opening to tentatively ask what had happened the previous evening. I wasn’t really expecting an answer, so I was doubly shocked when Max explained that their first kiss had triggered a flashback. I had a bad feeling about that – my first thought was that she’d been another victim of Nathan and Jefferson’s sick games. Concerned, I probed for more details, and found it was something worse: the last person she kissed had died.

I stammered out condolences and apologies, my mind racing. I remembered how utterly devastated Max had looked when I first saw her after the shooting. “Chloe?” I asked her simply. She confirmed it, but shut me down immediately, changing the subject to something _I_ didn’t really want to talk about: Kate. I felt the blood draining from my face as I realized what she was suggesting – the very thing I’d been discussing with my therapist. Unlike Dr. Greenbaum, Max had some very strong ideas about what I should do, and she wasn’t taking no for an answer.

I told her my reasons, but she still seemed to think that an apology from me would help Kate. That gave me pause. For sure, Max knows Kate better than anyone else at Blackwell, so her opinion was hard to ignore. After a little more back-and-forth, I allowed myself to be convinced. There was something else I noticed: Max no longer seemed the least bit wary around me, and even managed some almost friendly mocking. I’m not sure whether to mourn the loss of my power, or to be glad the people are starting to see beyond the façade.

Either way, it’s not something I can consider right now. I’ve got something more important to worry about: what the fuck do I say to Kate?

#### Wednesday, November 13th 2013

Max is right. I have to do this. I don’t think I’ve ever been more nervous about anything, so I decided to write out what I want to say to Kate. Hopefully if I’m reading it from my journal rather than making it up as I go along, I’ll be less likely to fuck this up. Here goes:

I need to apologize to you, Kate. Not just for taking and sharing that video, but for bullying you since the beginning of term. I know that nothing I say can undo the pain I’ve caused you, all I can do is tell you how incredibly sorry I am. I’m trying to change, to make sure that I never behave that way again, either towards you or anyone else.

My parents were the leaders of the Vortex club during their time at Blackwell, and they always expected me to follow in their footsteps. Every year they made their disappointment clear when I wasn’t the Queen of Blackwell. And, every year they pushed me harder, until I became that person who bullied you. None of that is an excuse for the way I behaved, though. There is no excuse.

Although it makes me feel sick to the stomach now, I was Nathan’s closest friend. We were like brother and sister, and I let that blind me to what he was becoming. Even so, I should have seen what was going on, or at least that there was _something_ going on. I should have found a way to get through to him, to stop him before he hurt you, Rachel, and all those other girls. I failed you all, and I’m sorry for that, too.

One last thing: please don’t for a moment think that _any_ of what happened is your fault. Blame Nathan, blame Jefferson, blame _me_ , but whatever you do, don’t blame yourself. Once again, I am so very sorry, Kate, and thank-you for listening to me.

##### Later

~~Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I’m a fucking monster.~~

##### Much Later

So, I apologized to Kate, alright. I caught her just before lunch, and she reluctantly agreed to talk to me in an empty classroom. I managed to get through my pre-prepared speech without choking. Kate hadn’t said anything, just watched me with a blank expression. I waited for her response, expecting at least acceptance, and maybe even forgiveness – this was Kate Marsh we were talking about, after all.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. What she _did_ say burned its way into my brain.

“Objectively, what Nathan and Jefferson did to me was far worse than anything you did. The problem is, I don’t really remember any of that; even after seeing the photos, it still doesn’t seem real, like some sort of bad dream. That video, though, is going to stay with me _forever_ , like a constant reminder of what happened. What’s worse, _everyone_ has seen it and judged me – not least my family. My relationship with my mother was already strained, but you’ve made it ten times worse. That video has caused damage I may _never_ be able to repair.”

“Here’s the thing: by Monday evening, the constant barrage of bullying and the complete lack of support from my family had all got to be too much. I blamed myself because the only explanation I had for my behavior is that drink I’d chosen to have. I just couldn’t take it any more, so I decided there was only one way out. I knew that the door to the roof of the dorm building was often left unlocked in the afternoon, because I’d heard some of the other girls talking about using it as a place to smoke.”

I’d listened to this with mounting horror, the full impact of what I’d done finally coming home to me. “I planned to go up there the next day, climb onto the parapet, and throw myself off.” Kate took a step towards me, anger in her voice and a dark, unforgiving look in her eyes. “I nearly killed myself because of you. If Max hadn’t come to tell me what really happened and talked me down…” I couldn’t bring myself to look at her a moment longer. I turned, my legs gave way beneath me, and I collapsed in a heap on the floor, sobbing.

Kate was silent for long moments, before finally continuing in a much lighter tone of voice. “You know what? I actually do feel so much better for getting that off my chest. Thank-you, Victoria.” I heard her turn and, from the sound of it, practically skip out of the room. _I_ didn’t move an inch until the bell rang for the start of afternoon class.

I’ve gone over and over that conversation in my mind; it’s by far the most painful experience I can ever remember, but all Kate did was tell me the truth – _her_ truth. I’ve got no-one to blame but myself for the way I’m feeling right now. All I can do is focus on one thing: that no matter the pain I’m in, apologizing to Kate – and letting her lay into me like that – helped _her_.

If that’s true, then I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

#### Thursday, November 14th 2013

Happy fake birthday to me! Yeah, right. Although, thanks to Kate’s epic smackdown yesterday, I couldn’t give two shits about the fact that there are a grand total of zero birthday messages on my Facebook wall. Honestly, I should probably change my profile back to having the real date – the idea of a having a separate ‘official birthday’ like the Queen seems spectacularly lame and pathetic now.

I almost went to talk to Max this evening, simply to ask after Kate, check if she really is doing better, but just as I was about to knock on her door, I saw the two of them come onto the corridor together, smiling and laughing, looking totally relaxed. There was something about Kate’s posture that was… different, some tension that was no longer there. In short, she looked much more like she did at the beginning of term.

Like she did before I started to bully her.

I slunk back in here to cry over everything I took from her. I seem to be doing that a lot lately. I’m pretty sure I’ve shed more tears in the past few weeks than the entire rest of my life.

#### Thursday, November 28th 2013

Thanksgiving dinner was even more excruciating than usual because – oh the irony – for the first time I can remember, my parents were actually trying to be _nice_. It seems that they’d been sent details of the investigation into Nathan and Jefferson, including that empty binder with my name on it. For once in my life, I got the feeling that they genuinely cared about _me_ as a person, instead of as an heir to their legacy.

I spent the entire meal wanting to scream at them that _I’m not a victim, I’m one of the fucking monsters._

For a moment, I did consider taking the opportunity to get them to let me change schools, so I wouldn’t have to go back to Blackwell, but I decided against it. I may be many things, but I’m not a quitter. Well, except maybe when it comes to this journal.

#### Wednesday, December 25th 2013

Another Christmas, another failed attempt by my parents to make up for their failings by throwing money at the problem. I long to be back at school where at least we’re all honest about the fact that either they despise me or I despise them. Being forced into becoming a loner hasn’t been that bad after all. Part of me misses having friends, but a more cynical part wonders if I ever had any _real_ friends at all.

The weirdest thing about today, though, is that I gave myself a day off from schoolwork, and I’m actually itching to get back to the essay I was working on yesterday. Turns out I was palming off work on my minions because I was too lazy to do it, not because I _couldn’t_ do it – in fact my grades actually went up when I started having to do everything myself. It probably helps that I have pretty much zero social life, so no shortage of time for studying. And so my conversion from Bitch Queen to Brainiac continues…

#### Tuesday, December 31st 2013

Goodbye 2013, don’t let the door hit you on the way out. This has been a seriously shitty year. Yeah, I know, plenty of that is because I’ve been a seriously shitty person.

Hopefully next year is going to be better. Whatever happens, though, I’m going to do my damndest to become a better me. Now _that’s_ a New Year’s resolution worth keeping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended reading order: [Chapter Five](/works/12393543/chapters/29202870) of _Piece by Piece_.
> 
> * * *
> 
> So, there’s one more chapter of this to go, and I’ll be caught up with _Piece by Piece_. After that, the plan is to mostly post alternating chapters, depending on how the story works out. I’ve actually spend a fair bit of time over the last couple of weeks working up an outline for this series, so at least I know where I’m heading, and some of the major plot points I want to hit along the way. Now I just need to figure out how to break it down into chapters, and which bits get narrated by Max/Dana or go into Victoria’s journal (there’s going to be plenty of Kate too, she just isn’t going to be a viewpoint character.) I also need to try and resist the temptation to write some of the key later scenes rather than what comes next (already failing at that!) and how to deal with the fact that I’ve given both stories chapter naming schemes that don’t have much room for growth…


	3. True Confessions of Victoria Maribeth Chase

#### Wednesday, January 1st 201 ~~3~~ 4

New Year’s resolution #2: ditch social media. I should have done that back in October. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram – all shut down. Maybe someday I’ll be ready to go back, without all the baggage of those old accounts.

#### Monday, January 6th 2014

First day back at school, and I’ve already had a strange one. I practically bumped into Kate on my way into Ms Grant’s class this morning, scuppering my plan to keep well away from her. Instead of ignoring me like she did last term, she brightly said hello and asked how my holiday was. I managed to mutter something about how I’d had better before pulling myself together enough to ask about her Christmas. She positively glowed as she mentioned how she enjoyed getting to spend time with her sisters. I almost asked about her parents, but we reached my desk and she carried on to hers, so the moment passed.

She’s the only person who talked to me, though. I know I’m entirely to blame for how isolated I’ve become. The people who hate me for what I did to Kate have no interest in being my friend; and as for the people who still don’t think what I did was that bad… I have no interest in being _their_ friend.

#### Friday, February 14th 2014

It was more than a week before Kate spoke to me again, and even then our conversation was briefer than the last, but she did it again a few days later, and a few days after that. The other students started to take note, and by the end of the month I was being treated like a bit less of a pariah. Even if it’s just casual greetings and meaningless small-talk with no hint of real friendship, it’s better than nothing.

If you wanted proof that I’m still nowhere near out of the doghouse, though, just look at today’s date. I can say without false modesty that I am _HOT_ , but not a single boy – or girl – was interested enough to ask me to the Valentine’s party. I’ve still got enough pride left for that to sting a little.

#### Saturday, March 8th 2014

Slightly surreal experience this morning. I left my room to see Kate coming out of Max’s (and from my brief glimpse of the latter before the door closed, she was wearing nothing but a T-shirt). Kate looked… thrown, so I hesitantly asked her if she was okay. After a moment she nodded, and explained that she’d started reading one of the news articles about Nathan finally being moved put of the psych ward, and had panicked at the though of him being released on bail. I couldn’t blame her; I hadn’t much liked that thought myself.

I hurriedly began to reassure her that Nathan’s father had decided to leave him to rot. Kate nodded, telling me that Max had calmed her down and read her the second half of the article. When I asked why she still looked so upset, she got embarrassed, and muttered how that was when she’d noticed Dana was in Max’s bed – and wearing even less than her. I couldn’t help myself, the image of the good Christian Kate catching two girls in bed together with only a single item of clothing between them was too delicious; I began to laugh.

I tried to stop myself, but a moment later Kate joined in. After a few seconds, she explained that it wasn’t even the first time it had happened, and I complimented her on her timing. We laughed a little more, then she briefly touched my hand and looked into my eyes. “Thank-you for checking up on me,” she said. “It means a lot to me that you care enough to do that.” I just about managed to tell her she was welcome as she walked back to her room.

So, yeah. That happened.

#### Sunday, April 13th 2014

Wow, I’m getting really lazy about writing in here, although that’s probably because there’s still not much to write about. I’ve been spending most of my time on schoolwork, and it’s got the point where I feel like I might finally deserve the Ivy League university place my parents’ money and influence already secured me. I’m actually looking forward to next year for the academia more than the social scene – even though it’s a chance to start over, without all the baggage of what I did back in October.

Speaking of which, since my last entry I’ve been spending more time with Kate. Nothing major, just the occasional chat before or after class; plus we sometimes eat together in the canteen when Kate’s feeling a bit too much like a third wheel around Max and Dana. I wouldn’t go so far as to call us _friends_ – we never talk about anything particularly serious or personal – but there’s _something_ there.

#### Friday, May 16th 2014

I was checking my phone all day, waiting for the verdict. It was finally there when I got out of my last class, and my face lit up with a huge grin. I looked around for Kate, my not-quite-friend and the person who most needed to hear the news. I saw her leaving through the front door, and hurried after her. I called her name the moment I got outside, and she turned, waiting for me to reach her. I asked if she’d heard the news, and she shook her head, looking slightly baffled. I explained about the trial being over, and not wanting to keep her in suspense, immediately rushed on to tell her that Nathan and Jefferson both got life without parole.

Kate looked at me for a moment as if she couldn’t quite believe it. She started to ask if I was messing with her, before cutting herself off. “I’m sorry, I know you would never do that to me, not any more.” I barely had the chance to respond to that before I found myself enveloped in an enormous hug. I stood there, dumbfounded for a few moments, before hesitantly putting my arms around her. Kate made an encouraging noise, and I pulled her tighter for a few moments before separating. Looking slightly embarrassed, Kate quickly changed the subject by asking how I was going to celebrate; caught off guard, I mumbled something about going dancing – as if I had anyone to go with.

Kate thanked me for passing along the news before heading excitedly across to where Max and Dana were waiting… and watching. I quickly looked away and went to sit down by the fountain, I pulled out my phone, but just stared at it blankly, trying to sort through _what the fuck just happened?_

Things got even more bizarre when Dana came over to ask if she and Max could come with me on my hypothetical night out, and I got the impression they’d decided that I’ve been punished for long enough. I admit that got me pretty choked up; lonely doesn’t even begin to describe how I’ve felt the past few months – the new year seemed to start so well, but when things never got past brief snatches of conversation in the hall…

Then Dana said that Kate wanted to come too – her first night out since that last awful Vortex Club party, by the sound of it. That made me nervous; the last thing I wanted was for something to happen to Kate _again_ at an evening I organized. I made Dana promise that she and Max would help look out for her, rather than spending the entire evening in a corner making out. We made arrangements to meet later this evening, and even managed some friendly banter.

I’m actually smiling, _genuinely_ smiling as I write this. I’m not sure when I last did that.

##### Later

Okay, I’m supposed to be getting ready for tonight right now, but I have to write about this while it’s fresh in my mind.

A few minutes ago, there was a knock on my door, and when I opened it there was a very nervous-looking Kate outside, asking if she could speak with me. I waved her inside, and we both sat on my couch.

“I… owe you an apology,” she began. I was so shocked that she was holding up a hand to silence me before I’d even begun to deny it. “Please, just let me finish; it’s taken me six months to do this, which is about six times as long as it took you – not a comparison I’m proud of. When I rejected your apology back in the fall, I went too far. It doesn’t matter that everything I said was the truth, because I was doing it in a deliberate attempt to hurt you, to get some sort of revenge. You offered repentance, and rather than gracefully accepting it, I twisted the knife. Sure, it felt good at the time, and I didn’t give it much thought afterwards, but now… I’m sorry, Victoria, and I forgive you for… everything.”

I simply sat there for long moments before forcing myself to reply. “You have _nothing_ to apologize for, Kate. No matter how much it hurt, I _needed_ to hear what you told me that day, to understand the true consequences of what I’d done. Without that, I might have slid back into my old ways, and I don’t want to be that person any more. So, I forgive you too, and I hope that we can start over.”

Kate gave me a small smile. “Thank-you, and I’d like that.” She got up. “I should go; Juliet’s supposed to be helping me get ready for our night out.”

“Good luck,” I told her, “I’ll see you later.”

I may have been smiling while I wrote the last entry, but for this one I was crying – happy tears. I can’t remember if that’s _ever_ happened.

It’s a good thing I haven’t done my make up yet.

#### Saturday, May 17th 2014

So, last night was _awesome_. Fuck all those Vortex Club parties, I had a better time just hanging out with three girls who are barely even friends with me – but are at least making an effort to try. They actually bothered to show up at my room on time; Dana was looking fantastic – no surprises there – but even Kate and Max looked good. Sure, they’d had some help, but I have feeling this is going to permanently change the way I see them.

We went to Tyros first – a pretentious name for a dingy little excuse for a nightclub, but it’s the best Arcadia Bay has to offer. The DJ put _Dancing Queen_ on pretty much the moment we walked through the door, so I dragged the others straight onto the dance floor. We got plenty of interest from random guys at first, but with me ruthlessly shutting down anyone who looked like they might be thinking about hitting on Kate, and Dana and Max practically making out on the dance floor, they eventually got the hint.

We took a couple of breaks to rehydrate, but cheesy classics like _YMCA_ and _It’s Raining Men_ soon got us back on the dance floor. Eventually, of course, the DJ decided it was time for a slow song. Naturally, Dana and Max paired off at once, leaving me standing with Kate, unsure what to do. Kate solved that by taking my hand, giving me a nervous smile, and pulling me towards her. I took her other hand, and we began to dance. After a minute or so, Kate moved in closer and rested her head on my shoulder. That simple act of friendship, trust, and acceptance meant more to me than I can express – more even than Kate’s earlier apology. I think that may be the trigger that means I can finally start putting the old Victoria and her legacy away for good.

Of course, the DJ had to go and ruin the moment by putting on _Never Gonna Give You Up_. Fucking asshole. I guess I wasn’t the only one who thought so, since the others immediately agreed with my suggestion to leave. Then it was on to phase two of the evening, and the part I’d neglected to mention earlier: karaoke. Yup, it was definitely not a night out I’d have ever considered having when I still cared about being seen as cool. Thank fuck I’ve given up on that shit, ’cause this was _way_ more fun.

I was secretly pleased that Kate wasn’t just the first to agree to my plan, but the one to point out that as the instigator, I should be the first to sing. It was good to see her becoming more assertive, and I was glad I’d already decided to sing something for her – in fact I’d put some serious thought into what, and had settled on P!nk’s _Fuckin’ Perfect_. Even so, I was nervous as I stepped up to the mic and began to sing. Thankfully, all those music lessons that my mother made me go to paid off, and I managed not to embarrass myself. I guess Kate must have got the message I was trying to send when I locked eyes with her during the chorus, because she gave me a big hug when I got back to the table.

Max sung a Cher song which was clearly some sort of private joke between the three of them, because I could see Dana struggling not to laugh and Kate berating her for it. Neither of them offered up any details, and I had enough tact not to ask. I know I’ve not earned anywhere near enough trust to be let in on everything, but it still hurt a little to be shut out. Dana’s indecisiveness got the better of her when she stood up to sing a song for her girlfriend, and the MC put on _We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together_ , but she gamely sang it. Thankfully Max saw the funny side of it, and the three of us laughed our heads off.

When Dana challenged Kate to sing, she got up with enough confidence that I wondered if I’d inadvertently brought along a ringer. When she dedicated her song to me, I was gobsmacked; doubly so when I recognized the intro to _Let It Go_. I think everyone’s heard that song enough times since _Frozen_ came out that nobody was going to tolerate a sub-par rendition. I needn’t have worried – Kate hit every note flawlessly, and the emotion in her voice gave me chills. The room went silent for her, and rather than derision, she got a standing ovation.

As Kate had pretty much mic-dropped karaoke for the entire bar, we decided to head home after that. Our easy conversation allowed me to believe that I might be getting accepted into this circle of friends – and that Max’s suggestion that I should host a movie night was about more than just my giant TV. Kate playfully defusing a potential argument just added to that, and when we overheard Max and Dana clearly planning to spend the night together I found I was genuinely happy for them rather than wanting to mock.

Yeah, it was a good night.

##### Later

Just had another brief visit from Kate. She wanted to check that I hadn’t had a problem with her being “a bit cuddly” with me last night. I assured her that I’d be six months dead before I objected to a cute girl snuggling into me while we danced. She went an interesting shade of pink and rushed on to explain how she tended to be physically affectionate with people she felt comfortable around.

I’m sure I managed some sort of reply to that, but my mind was reeling from that idea that, after even after what I’d done to her, Kate feels that comfortable with _me_.

#### Sunday, May 25th 2014

Hosted my first movie night with the girls yesterday. Max said I could pick the film – no pressure, right? After spending entirely too long trying to decide, I settled on _Le fabuleux destin d’Amélie Poulain_ : both art-house _and_ thoroughly enjoyable. Thankfully, the others seemed to think so too; we had a great evening, and they all hung out with me for another hour or two after the movie was over.

It feels really good to have some friends again. They may be new, tentative friendships, hampered by the knowledge that in a few weeks we’ll all be leaving Blackwell forever, but it’s enough. To be honest, they feel more real than all those friendships I had in the Vortex Club, which seem so superficial in hindsight. I need this not so much because I’m hoping to make some friends for life (although I could certainly do worse), but because I want to learn how to make _real_ friends. I don’t want to make the same mistakes at Penn I made at Blackwell. I want to be myself, not some construct of my parents’ expectations.

#### Monday, June 2nd 2014

Today, Ms Madison gave us our final photography assignment. For added fun, she assigned us into pairs randomly. After my name was called, guess who was next? None other than Kate Marsh. Clearly Ms Madison had been briefed on our ‘history’ because she gave Kate a slightly nervous glance and asked her “Are you sure you’re okay working with…”

“The most talented photographer in the class?” Kate cut her off with a smile. “I’m looking forward to it.” That hit me right in the feels – Kate sticking up for me _and_ paying me a compliment all in one. She came over and sat next to me, smiling.

“Thanks, but you didn’t have to do that,” I told her

Kate shrugged. “Some people still haven’t gotten the message that you’ve served your time.” I’m not sure what to make of the fact that over the last few months, Kate has become my staunchest defender. After her apology a couple of weeks back, I guessed that it had been out of guilt. Now, though… I’m not sure, but it’s starting to feel a lot like like friendship.

#### Sunday, June 8th 2014

So, yeah, definitely friendship. Working closely with Kate this past week has been _fun_. It’s not like we’re close friends who have deep and meaningful conversations – we’re still studiously avoiding talking about anything personal – but we’ve moved beyond brief hellos in the corridor and the occasional idle chat over lunch. Of course, there’s also the fact that she felt comfortable slow-dancing with me.

Kate’s actually the perfect partner for this assignment. She’s much more into drawing than photography, so she’s perfectly happy for me to take care of the technical stuff that I really enjoy (and get hella opinionated about). At the same time, she has some very different ideas about subjects and composition, and isn’t afraid to make me consider them, which is pushing me out of my comfort zone and making me a better photographer.

We spent the entire day together yesterday doing our final location scouting and planning all the details. Then we crashed out and watched a movie to unwind, just the two of us. It was an awesome day on so many levels. Kate’s at church right now, natch, so we’re going out to get our shot this afternoon, and then… then I won’t have any excuse to spend so much time with her. I’m really going to miss her when we all go our separate ways at the end of term, and I try not think of how many more months we could have had to build this friendship if I’d been Geek Victoria instead of Bitch Victoria back in October.

How’s that for irony?

#### Saturday, June 14th 2014

WE WON! In your _face_ , Maxine Caulfield! She and Evan were runners-up, of course. In all honesty, having looked at their photo, I’d have had a hard time deciding between the top two. See, I can admit that people other than me have talent! I’m totally growing as a person, and all that shit.

We celebrated by going dancing, just like after the verdict – although karaoke got vetoed this time. Kate was far more confident than before, and they were all more comfortable with me, so we stayed at Tyros until gone midnight; dancing in pairs and groups, resting whenever we needed a break. It felt good to truly let go, to not care what _anyone_ though of me. Plus, this time, the DJ didn’t interrupt my slow dance with Kate using an ill-timed meme.

Of course, Max had to go put a dampener on the evening by reminding us that we’ve only got one week left here. We made plans to go out again next Friday, but after that… I don’t want to think about what comes after that.

#### Sunday, June 22nd 2014

Home again. I’d forgotten how much I hate this place. Or maybe I just didn’t hate it as much before. It feels so… empty.

Friday night was bittersweet. _School’s out forever_ , as Alice Cooper sang, and we certainly celebrated that, but it was also goodbye. I realized that it’s not just Kate I’m going to miss, but Max and Dana too. I’m glad I got to spend some time with both of them; they were much less clingy than I was expecting – I guess they’re going to be living close enough to keep seeing each other next year, or at least over the summer.

I got to see Kate one last time yesterday morning; I ran into her in the hall while the movers were clearing out my room. I thanked her for helping me shed my pariah status, and for being far more of a friend than I deserved. She smiled, and told me that watching my transformation over the course of the year had restored her faith in humanity. Not knowing how to respond to that, all I managed was the spectacularly banal, if heartfelt, “have a nice life”.

“You too,” Kate told me, “and maybe our paths will cross again someday.” There was a twinkle in her eye, but before I could say anything more, she ran off to greet her father.

I never actually asked where any of my friends are going to be next year; I feel like I never earned the right to assume our friendship might stretch beyond high school. At the end of the day, we’re really not that close. It’s doubtful that I’ll see any of them again unless they’re in Philly too, and the odds of that are most definitely _not_ in my favor. Maybe there will be a Blackwell reunion some day…

#### Thursday, August 14th 2014

It’s exactly a year since I got this journal, and I guess this is probably going to be the last entry in it – my mother got me a new one as one of this year’s birthday gifts. It seems appropriate that when I make a fresh start, I do it with a blank page. Whether I actually get around to writing in it remains to be seen…

The new journal wasn’t the best thing I received today, though. That honor goes to a beautiful hand-drawn card, with a simple message inside: ‘Happy Birthday Victoria! Love, Kate’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended reading order: [Chapter 8](/works/12393543/chapters/32237793) of _Piece by Piece_.
> 
> * * *
> 
> From here on out, I’m expecting alternating chapters of the two fics until I’m done. I’m not going to be making any promises about a release schedule, though, for three reasons: 1. The average chapter length is almost certainly going up significantly (it’ll have taken 11 chapters to cover the first year of the story, I only have 12 chapters left to cover the next nine or so) 2. I’m currently spending more time working on the later chapters than the ones coming next. 3. There are other stories I’d really like to get back to as well (I’m looking at you, _Ozone_.)
> 
> As always, thanks for reading!


	4. Victoria Chase: The Frappuccino Years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it turns out that I wasn’t kidding about the average chapter length going up. Hopefully they won’t all end up this long, or it's going to take me forever to finish! I hope you enjoy this one.

#### Thursday, August 21st 2014

Well, here I am in Philadelphia, my home for the next four years. Well, not right here; spending my freshman year on campus will be plenty, I’m already planning on finding my own place for the rest of my time at Penn. It’s not that the student accommodation is _bad_ , just that if I can have more space and privacy, I want it – and I’ve got the money to pay for it.

Anyway, the next five days are student orientation which, right now, I feel like I’m really gonna need. Then on Wednesday we start classes, which I’m pretty psyched about. One weird thing – I got a note to drop in and see some woman in the admissions office, “if I have the time”. Not sure what that’s about, but I think I should make it my first stop tomorrow.

#### Friday, August 22nd 2014

Mystery solved: the nice lady wanted to let me know that while my parents may be respected alumni and generous donors to the college, I did actually earn my place here on academic merit. It’s one thing to _feel_ like I earned it, but much better to have someone tell me it’s true. She did also say that an “unfortunate incident” last autumn (gee, I wonder what that could be?) had caused them some concern, but that “one of my fellow students” had written me a glowing letter of recommendation to put them at ease. Not sure what that’s about.

#### Saturday, August 23rd 2014

_WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?_

No, seriously. I was walking across the quad yesterday morning, when I saw a glimpse of a familiar profile. It took me a moment to place her. “Kate?”

She turned to look at me. “Oh, hi, Victoria,” she said warmly. “How’s orientation going for you?” She was all calm and normal, while my brain was just busy going _WTF? WTF? WTAF?_. It was almost like she was expecting to see me. I stood there dumbly for a few moments, then it all clicked into place: the way Kate suggested we might see each other again when we said goodbye at Blackwell, and the recommendation letter from “a fellow student”. Well played, Miss Marsh.

“You knew I was going to be at Penn too, didn’t you?” I asked her. Kate nodded, a sly grin on her face. “And you were the one who wrote me a testimonial.”

“Yeah.” She looked a little embarrassed now. “There was note in with my acceptance letter asking if I knew you and whether I’d be willing to give them a brief recommendation – or otherwise.”

I think I surprised myself more than I did Kate when I pulled her into quick a hug. “Thank-you; you could have easily torpedoed my admission, but instead you boosted it.”

“ _The most celebrated_ ,” sang Kate softly, “ _are the rehabilitated…_ ”

“So, I’m Elphaba in this little scenario?”

“If the pointy hat fits…”

That drew a laugh from me; I wasn’t expecting her to be a fan of _Wicked_. “Honestly, I think I’m more of a Glinda.”

Kate raised an eyebrow at that. “You don’t strike me as a big fan of pink.” I nodded, and she went on to admit not having seen the show – only listened to the soundtrack on repeat. There was something more confident and assertive about Kate than I remembered from our time at Blackwell. I guess I’m not the only one take the opportunity to start afresh, and I wondered if that could apply to the two of us as friends. With that in mind I asked if she was free to have dinner with me this evening.

“Why, Victoria Chase,” Kate said playfully, “are you asking me on a date? Because I must warn you that, in addition to having taken the abstinence pledge, I’m afraid that I’m straight.”

That got me super flustered. Me, flustered by Kate. Ouch. And at the same time I now _really_ want to be friends with her. Somehow I managed to stammer that, no, I was not asking her on a date, just an opportunity for two old friends to catch up. She happily agreed, and didn’t say anything about me referring to us as friends.

Anyway, enough writing for now. I need to figure out what the hell I wear to dinner with a maybe-friend. Ugh, it would be easier if this actually _was_ a date…

#### Sunday, August 24th 2014

Last night was… incredible. In the end, I got over myself and just threw on some comfortable clothes; it wasn’t like Kate was going to care, let alone judge me for what I wore. We met up on the edge of campus for the short walk to a restaurant I’d picked out; it had great reviews for the food, but was casual rather than fancy. We had a drink at the bar while we waited for our table – cocktail for me, mocktail for Kate – and began to talk. I could tell right away that something had changed. Back at Blackwell, even after the photography assignment we did together, Kate had always been at least a little bit guarded with me – and understandably so. That was gone now, replaced by an almost painful honesty. Over dinner, we opened up to each other in a way I’ve never done with _anyone_.

I talked about growing up in the modern equivalent of some period drama, with distant parents who staffed out the job of raising their daughter, but still expected to be showered with love and affection whenever _they_ wanted it. Then, as I grew up, the constant expectations that I excel – but at what _they_ wanted me to do, not what _I_ wanted to do. I allowed them to pressure me into making their interests _my_ interests, and while I did eventually develop a deep love for photography, there was precious little else they pushed me towards that I truly cared for. Instead of becoming my own person, I let them mould me into a younger version of them – callous and cruel, putting their needs above anyone else.

Kate told me about how over the last few years her home life had become increasingly stressful as her parents’ relationship broke down. Her father was a preacher who was “quietly Christian”, who took a liberal interpretation of the Bible and felt that his beliefs should be spread by acceptance, not imposition. Her mother, however had gradually come to embrace more hard-line viewpoints and, in time, their disagreements spread from theology to every aspect of their marriage. As their father withdrew, Kate and her sisters were increasingly left to live with their mother’s attempts at indoctrination – and her judgment. In the face of that, the three girls had forged a tight bond which sending Kate away to Blackwell had been a failed attempt to break.

It got late, and the increasingly icy politeness of the wait staff as we lingered over dessert finally made us leave the restaurant. As neither of us seemed to want to head back to our dorms yet, we found our way into an all-night coffee shop a couple of blocks east. We ordered over-complicated drinks and then found a corner of the café where we could sink into a comfy couch. I slipped off my shoes and tucked my feet underneath me; Kate followed suit, leaving us facing each other. We settled in, and talked of many things – of shoes, and ships, and sealing wax; of cabbages and Kings (and apologies to C.S. Lewis).

By our third or fourth drink, I was onto the crushed ice concoction with the maximum amount of caffeine to help me stay awake. No matter how tired I was feeling, I didn’t want the night to end. Somehow the conversation made its way to the subject of our hopes and dreams, something Kate seemed to have very clear ideas about. She told me how she wants to become an author, writing and illustrating books for children – hence her double-major in English and Fine Arts. It also had the benefit of being a career she wouldn’t have to give up to become a stay-at-home mom; she wanted the husband and two-point-four children, too. “I can plot and sketch ideas in my head while they’re awake, and draw or write them down once the kids are asleep!”

Maybe it’s a little optimistic, but at least Kate has plans. When she prompted me, I had to admit that I’m not really sure _what_ I want to do after I’m finished here. When I was younger, I dreamed of traveling the world and becoming a Pulitzer prizewinning photojournalist; now I know that kind of work often involves going to dangerous places far from five star hotels – _so_ not me. All I have left are vague ideas of my photography as Art, and perhaps running my own gallery; one that isn’t just another Chase Space. As for a husband (or wife), while the idea of having someone in my life is somewhat appealing, my interest in weddings goes about as far as the couture. And when it comes to children… I’d just be terrified of doing to them what my parents did to me.

With the caffeine only doing so much, Kate suggested that we head outside. The cool night air soon perked me up, and we strolled aimlessly through the pre-dawn light, watching the city come awake around us. Eventually, we reached a small amphitheater on the edge of the river where we found a bench we could sit on, and watched the sun come up across the Delaware. That was when we finally broached the subject we’d been studiously avoiding ever since Kate left me sobbing in a classroom last fall. I already knew most of what had happened to her, but she told me about the hateful messages she’d received from her mother and aunt. I wept hot tears of shame, knowing it was my fault. “Please don’t cry,” she said. “You’re not responsible for their reactions, and you’re not the one who gave me those drugs, and took to that awful place. All you did was post that video, and as hurtful as that was, even if they hadn’t seen it, they would have found out the truth when they heard from the police.”

I allowed Kate to calm me, and then to ask about what had happened back in October to – as she put it – change _me_ so drastically. Haltingly, I told her about my experiences that Monday: terror after hearing the gunshot, seeing a blood-stained Max sobbing by the fountain, my fear of Nathan being railroaded turning to horror at what he’d become. I explained how learning the truth about what happened to Kate had left me unable to pretend that I was anything but a bully. I talked about how the fact that I’d so completely misjudged Nathan and Jefferson made me slow to trust people, and quick to second-guess my assessments of them. I even admitted to how isolated I’d felt afterwards and how I’d resented that the others who’d participated in the bullying didn’t seem to share in the blame. Finally, I told her about the empty binder from the Dark Room, and how utterly betrayed I’d felt after seeing it.

Kate’s shock at _that_ revelation was genuine; it seemed that the police hadn’t shared that information with her. Almost immediately, she tried to apologize, saying it made her attack on me even worse. I waved it off, reminding her that what I did to her happened before I knew any of this, so it wasn’t an excuse. “In that case,” she said, putting an arm around my back and resting her head on my shoulder, “I’m just sorry that it happened to you.” Nothing more to say, we sat there in companionable silence for a few minutes until the sun crested the buildings on the opposite bank of the river, and its reflection on the water became dazzling.

“Come on,” I told Kate, “we should probably head back to campus and get some sleep. I didn’t mean to keep you up all night, and I certainly didn’t mean to make you too tired for Church.”

“That’s fine,” she told me with a yawn as we got up, “I can go to an evening service. I wouldn’t have missed this for anything. When I do go on an _actual_ date, the lucky guy is going to be pretty awesome to live up to this!”

“I know what you mean,” I replied, bumping shoulders with her.

“In the meantime, seeing as Max has run off to Los Angeles, I’m in the market for a new best friend. Do you fancy the job?”

“I’d love it; I could use a best friend, too – well, any friend, to be honest.” We both smiled and, arm in arm, made our way back to campus.

I know it sounds trite, but last night may have been the best night of my life. I have _never_ connected with _anyone_ like that before. I feel like Kate knows me, and I know her, better than anyone I’ve ever met. I don’t care if it’s a cliché, but it felt like one of those conversations where you can’t help but end up friends afterwards, so Kate’s offer didn’t even feel like that much of a surprise – no matter our history.

#### Saturday, September 13th 2014

It was Kate’s birthday yesterday, something I only found out when she mentioned it in passing on Thursday. That left me no time to find her a gift (and it’s not like I have any clue what to get her anyway), but I did manage to snag a dinner reservation for last night and take her out for a swanky meal. Had to cancel my second date with Conor but, eh, I’m just not that into him.

#### Sunday, October 5th 2014

Well, it looks like I’ve fallen into my old habit of infrequent updates. To be honest, I’ve mostly been busy with classes and haven’t had time to write here. Maybe not so much too busy as… having better things to do. I may not have a clear idea what I want to do afterwards, but I’m determined to make the most of the next four years; I think it’s going to be awesome – fucking hard work, but awesome. I’m really enjoying my courses, and not having my past hanging over me means that I’ve actually managed to make a few friends.

Speaking of the past hanging over me, last night was the anniversary of a certain fateful Vortex Club party. I wasn’t sure how to best deal with that – ignore it, or confront it head on? Eventually, I settled on the latter, and earlier in the week I nervously asked Kate if she’d like to go out dancing, making it clear that I knew the significance of the date. She looked at me for a long moment, then slowly nodded. “Last year I tried to hide from it, and I’ve told you where that almost led. This will be like… laughing in the face of my fears.”

The next day, I had a text from Kate asking if it was okay if she brought someone else along. I sent back “of course” – it’s not like it was a date or anything – but I _was_ curious. Boyfriend? I don’t _think_ that’s something she’d keep from me. I know she’s made some other friends that I don’t really know, but it seemed somehow… mysterious. All was revealed when I arrived at Kate’s dorm room to pick her up yesterday evening. The door opened to reveal none other than Dana Ward. After we both got over our shock, we turned to see Kate giving us that sly grin she does so well. For a ‘Good Christian Girl’, she can be pretty damn devious.

It turns out that Dana’s at a performing arts school up in New York, so it was wasn’t a long trip by Greyhound for her to come down to Philly for the weekend. I was about to ask about her and Max, given that they’re now on opposite sides of the country, but I thought better of it. Probably a touchy subject, and I didn’t really want to presume that level of friendship with Dana; better to see if Kate knows what’s going on and is willing to spill the beans. Anyway, heading out with the three of us together, it felt like old times; I’d even managed to track down a club that was doing a retro night.

We all danced together at first, just having fun. Certainly we’d been there quite a while when Dana nudged me and nodded subtly in the direction of a guy. “He’s totally into you; you should go for it!” I took another look; he was tall, built, and good looking, yes, but I wasn’t sure if that was my type. In all honesty, even at nineteen I still haven’t quite figured out my sexuality, let alone a “type”. Sensing my reluctance, Dana added, “don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye on Kate.” That neatly sabotaged the excuse I was about to use, so I decided I might as well go for it. I made eye contact with the guy; he grinned, and moved straight into my dance space.

He was actually a pretty decent dancer, so when a few tracks later the DJ changed the tempo, I let him pull me in for a slow dance. As I rested my head on his shoulder, I smiled, remembering the last time I’d done this – with Kate’s head on _my_ shoulder. This felt very different, even more so when I realized that what I could feel was the guy’s hard-on pressing into me. I made the mistake of looking up at him, and before I knew what was going on, he was trying to get his tongue down my throat. I froze in shock for a few moments until his hand slid down to grab my ass and I came to my senses.

I tried to push him away, but he wasn’t letting go. I managed to get enough distance to bring one of my thighs up between his, hard. That created enough of a distraction for me to break free. He staggered back a step, then looked at me with murder in his eyes. “What the fuck, bitch?” I felt, rather than saw, Kate and Dana closing ranks behind me. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that one of them was holding up her phone. The guy was just starting to raise his fist, when a hand came down on his shoulder.

“Dude, she’s not worth it,” said someone I presumed to be one of the guy’s friends; another had flanked him on the other side. He just stood there for a moment, then shook the hand off and stormed away. One of the friends gave me an eye-roll, then they followed him. I got the distinct impression that it was far from the first time they’d had to do that, and that it was more to keep _him_ out of trouble rather than due to any concern for _my_ well-being.

It was only as Kate and Dana led me out of the club that I realized I was shaking. In a daze, I allowed them to guide me down the street, back indoors, and into a comfy chair. It was only as a large, icy cup of my favorite faux-Frappuccino was pressed into my hand that I looked up and took in my surroundings. It was, of course, the coffee shop Kate and I discovered on that first night out; we’ve been back a bunch of time of times since then.

I managed a smile. Simply having a couple of friends who would take care of me like that – no fuss, no drama – went a long way to making me feel better. Kate carefully checked in with me, and I joked that wasn’t quite how I’d hoped my first kiss would go. She gave me an odd look, but took the hint and changed the subject. After that, I let them do most of the talking while I sat back and sipped my drink, letting it drain away the heat from the club. By the time I reached the bottom, I was feeling more myself again, and the incident was safely locked away as one of those unpleasant memories that, unfortunately, most women have a collection of.

The irony of the situation wasn’t lost on me, given what happened a year ago, and I felt a spike of shame as Kate gave me a quick hug when we got back to campus. The evening was supposed to have been about her, and yet somehow it ended up being about me anyway.

##### Later

Kate came round to see me after Dana headed back to NY, to check how I was getting on. I promised her I was fine, and that I just wanted to forget about the whole thing. “Before you do,” she said, pulling out her phone, and bringing up a picture of the guy from last night. “In case you decide you want to do something about it.” She swiped the screen to reveal a picture of the pair of us mid-kiss, with me clearly not looking happy about it. “This one’s already got over a hundred likes.”

One part of my brain was admiring how she’d managed to get such a good shot given the conditions; a second noted that her tone of voice clearly indicated she was teasing me. The rest of it, however, was screaming “what the fuck, Kate?” – and unfortunately, that’s the part that that had control of my mouth.

Kate shrank back, stammering apologies and assurances that she’d been joking, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. My flash of anger immediately fled, and I stepped forward, taking her hands. “I’m sorry, Kate. I know you were teasing, you just caught me off guard and I lashed out. I know I deserved that, but…”

“But what?” she prompted me softly.

“But if we’re going to be friends, I need to know that what happened last year is all behind us now. I know it’s a big ask, but I can’t spend the rest of my life feeling guilty about what I did, and worried that you might bring it up again.”

“You’re right, Tori; I know what you’ve put yourself through. When I told you I forgave you, that should have been the end of it. What I just did was… a very poor attempt at humor, and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“S’okay,” I told her, “and thanks for dropping by – it means a lot to know you care.”

“Of course! Anyway, I should head home and get some rest. I’ll see you in class tomorrow.”

I’m glad we had that talk. I think maybe I’ve hidden behind my guilt a little too much, and I needed to remind myself as much as I did Kate that I have needs too. If we let our history create a power imbalance in our friendship, that would just end up poisoning it – and I really don’t want that to happen.

##### Even Later

Damn. I forgot to ask Kate for the gossip on Dana and Max. Also, when did she start calling me ‘Tori’, and why am I letting her get away with it? I haven’t used that name since kindergarten…

#### Saturday, October 18th 2014

I finally got around to asking Kate about Dana and Max; it turns out that they broke up at the end of the summer rather than try and keep things going long distance. I guess I can understand that. NY to LA is one helluva distance; I’m not sure I’d want to try and handle that – and I could afford to fly back and forth as often as I wanted. Still, it sucks. They seemed really happy together.

#### Friday, November 7th 2014

Kate stood me up tonight! Okay, that’s an exaggeration; she called me last night to ask if it was okay to cancel our plans for this evening. Of course I said yes – it was just our usual Friday night drinks to celebrate the end of another week. After our night out last month, Kate’s loosened up a little and is no longer completely teetotal. She makes an excellent drinking buddy as she still has at least three soft drinks for every alcoholic one, so she’s always more than sober enough to get me home safely if I find the cocktails a little bit too delicious (or they’re simply stronger than expected.)

But I digress. Kate has a date! I’m not sure why this surprises me so much; she may be Christian, but she’s not a nun – that whole “vow of chastity” thing notwithstanding. I _have_ known her to make observations about the cuteness of guys occasionally. Besides, I can hardly be jealous; it’s not like I haven’t had a few dates since the start of term.

#### Sunday, December 7th 2014

Okay, maybe I _can_ be jealous. Kate and Jacob are out celebrating their one month anniversary, and I’m home alone again. Still no luck on finding anyone I like enough to go on more than a couple of dates with, which kinda sucks – but does mean I’m easily staying on top of my work. I do remember what having a social life did to my academics, and doing well at school has become really important to me. Meanwhile, Kate in love is almost unbearably adorable. I admit that I’m hoping she’s going to start toning it down soon, but for now I’m just happy for her – even if I’m seeing a lot less of my friend than I was a month ago.

It wasn’t until last week that I actually got to meet Jacob, and he seemed a nice enough guy. They met at church, which isn’t a big shocker, but I’m not convinced that they have an awful lot else in common. He’s also taken the abstinence pledge, so at least I don’t have to worry about him putting pressure on Kate to have a more physical relationship – although his abstemiousness doesn’t appear to stretch to alcohol, as he matched me drink for drink over dinner. I dunno, maybe I’m just being that overbearing woman who thinks that nobody could possibly be good enough for her friend. It’s not like I have a leg to stand on when it comes to dispensing relationship advice.

#### Wednesday, December 24th 2014

I am _so_ glad I only came home for a few days; my parents are already driving me nuts. Not a word of praise for the fact that I’m acing all my courses, apparently that’s just what’s expected of me. At this point, I get the feeling I could have been the other recipient of this year’s Nobel Peace Prize and they’d just have pointed out that Malala is two years younger than me. Instead, I got grilled on my social life, because making friends with people in rich and influential families is the most important thing I should be doing with my life. Ugh. I mean, I guess a couple of the people I hang out with _maybe_ fall into that category, but we’re not particularly close because, well, they remind me a bit too much of Vortex Club Victoria. I’m not her any more.

#### Thursday, January 1st 2015

New Year’s resolutions:

  1. Don’t slack off at school.
  2. Try and spend more time with Kate (boyfriend permitting)
  3. Find a boyfriend of my own!



#### Sunday, January 13th 2015

It’s good to have Kate back in town, even if her first order of business was dinner with Jacob last night. We met up in our favorite coffee shop after church this morning (well, after church for Kate; just after getting up for me) to catch up on our holidays and consume obscene amounts of caffeine. It seems I’ve done a good job of turning Kate to the dark side; she rarely drinks tea before noon nowadays. She told me that her parents have being going to some sort of couples’ counseling – apparently the breakdown of their preacher’s marriage had prompted some members of their church to stage an intervention – and that her Christmas had been way less stressful the last couple of years. I’m happy for her; at least one of us has a family that seems to be going in the right direction.

#### Saturday, February 14th 2015

Well, I’ve had about as much success with resolution #3 as I did last year, which is kinda depressing. I’ll admit that my smile at Kate showing off a huge bouquet of flowers and telling me about the date Jacob had planned may have been a little bit forced. I’ll be spending _my_ evening having some quality time with Messrs Ben and Jerry.

#### Sunday, March 15th 2015

I promised myself that I wouldn’t live in dorms past the obligatory first year, which means that now spring break’s over, it’s time to start thinking about apartment hunting. I talked to Kate last night and floated the idea of us getting a place together; she wasn’t opposed to it, but she did have concerns about cost, and how close to campus we’d be. That, I can work with. I’m not sure I like the idea of living completely alone, and I’m not close enough to any of my other friends to want to share with them. Certainly not given that I’m planning on subsidizing the rent.

#### Tuesday, March 24th 2015

I found the perfect place! The master bedroom is huge, and has a small en-suite, plus an obscene amount of closet space – enough that I can have my entire wardrobe shipped over from Seattle! The second bedroom is about half the size, but still plenty big enough for Kate, and that gives me a justification for why I’ll be paying a larger share of the rent than her (she doesn’t need to know that it’ll be more like 80:20 split.) The main bathroom has an actual _bath_ , thank fuck, because as much as I love showers, I do like to have a good long soak every now and then. The rest of the apartment is open plan, with a comfy lounge area and a kitchen/diner. And here’s the kicker: it’s only a few blocks away from campus!

#### Sunday, March 29th 2015

It’s official: Kate and I are going to be roomies next year! She loved the place, of course, because who wouldn’t? I got the impression that she didn’t entirely believe me about what her share of the rent would be, but she didn’t make a fuss about it. Honestly, I’d happily let her live there for free if I thought for even a second she’d accept that. Anyway, we have the place from early May, so we’ll be able to move straight in from dorms after term ends. Kate’s planning to go back home for the summer to spend time with her sisters, but I’m going to be staying in Philadelphia. I’ll have to go home for my birthday, or I won’t hear the last of it, and I might take a vacation or two, but other than that…

#### Friday, April 24th 2015

Yeah, I haven’t been writing again, but there’s not much to report, really. Classes finish next week, and then we have exams, and then… that’s it. Kate and I will move all our stuff into the new apartment, so she can travel light when she flies home. I have a vague plan for a girls’ weekend in New York before she leaves – I’m sure I can rope Dana in as well – and we can see the term off with a bang.

After that, well, since I’ve got nothing better to do (and as an excellent excuse to avoid my parents), I’ve signed up for the summer sessions. There are some interesting classes I want to take, and a little extra credit never hurt anyone’s resumé.

#### Sunday, May 17th 2015

What a weekend! The day after exams were over, Kate and I started moving to our new place. I _had_ been planning on hiring a van but, as Kate pointed out, we’d have spent half our time looking for decent parking spots. Instead, we’d rented a ridiculous hand wagon. At least, I _felt_ ridiculous as we dragged it the few blocks between campus and the apartment and back, but it was a good plan as it even fitted in the lifts, so we could wheel the thing literally from door to door. It took most of Wednesday, but once we were done it was _adios_ student dorms, and _bonjour_ comfort!

That gave us a couple of days to settle in before we needed to head off to 30th Street Station to catch the Amtrak up to New York. Yes, Chase on a Train; I know it seems unlikely, but they do at least have first class, it’s just as quick as flying, and it avoids all that security theater at the airport. It had taken a little negotiation to persuade Kate to let me pay for the weekend – the winning argument being that she couldn’t afford it herself, and I _really_ wanted her to come. She’d still given me the stink-eye when she saw the train upgrade, and I was expecting another when we got to the hotel. She’d insisted we share a room to save money, and I’d stuck to that – I just don’t think that the Waldorf Astoria was quite what she had in mind…

We met Dana for food and drinks at a little place she knew in the Village, and the two of them plied me with alcohol in attempt to get me to divulge my plans for the next day – but I was having none of it. Instead we caught up on what we’d been doing, and our plans for the summer. When we got back to the hotel, I realized I’d forgotten about my mental note that having sleepwear is polite when sharing a room. Oops. I waited until Kate popped into the bathroom to change, then stripped off and dived under the covers of my bed, hoping that my bladder would hold out until she got up in the morning. It didn’t; I just hope Kate was asleep…

On Saturday, we reconvened on Fifth Avenue; I explained that our evening plans (top seats at a Broadway show) necessitated our daytime plans (shopping for swanky new clothes). Dana was immediately on board with the idea of a designer dress at my expense, and once _she’d_ agreed, Kate couldn’t really wriggle out of it. As it turned out, she has an excellent eye for _haute couture_ ; although she wasn’t confident enough to apply it to herself, our little expedition ended with _Kate_ picking out a dress for _me_.

I arranged for our new outfits to be sent to the hotel, then we headed to La Grenouille for a late, and leisurely, lunch. Kate was starting to get antsy about how much money I was spending, so I tried to reassure her. I wasn’t deliberately throwing money around, or showing off; I was just living my life as I always have, because I was lucky enough to be born into a rich family. I love that I got to have my friends with me for the weekend, and it sure as hell wouldn’t be fair to expect them to match my expensive tastes. Besides, as we’d discussed, even if we’d done it on a shoestring, this little trip would have been beyond Kate’s budget.

After we’d eaten, we headed back to the hotel, where the dresses had already been taken up to our room. We took our time getting dolled up for the evening; chatting, and helping each other with hair and make-up. Once we had our new outfits on, we looked _fucking awesome_ , and made sure to capture plenty of photographic evidence to confirm that indisputable fact. Then, it was time to stroll over to Times Square, with the other two impatiently pestering me to tell them what show we were going to. I led them slowly down Broadway, building the suspense. When I say ‘led’, I mean that literally - Kate was clinging to my arm as if her life depended on it, and I was seriously re-thinking the wisdom of buying her a pair of heels.

All that was forgotten when we turned left towards the Gershwin, and she saw the sign for _Wicked_. There may have been – no, scratch that – there was _definitely_ some squealing. I’m not sure why she was so surprised; it wasn’t like it was some big secret that she desperately wanted to see the play – I’d heard her listen to the original cast recording enough times. I just hoped that familiarity wouldn’t spoil it for her; I know it did for me the one time I listened to a soundtrack before seeing the show (well, that and the fact that I rewatched _Holy Grail_ just before going to the theatre.)

It’s over a decade since my parents first took me to see _Wicked_ , but even if Idina and Kristin are long gone, the magic isn’t. _Defying Gravity_ is still the show-stoppingest number on Broadway. Not having seen it before, that was the only part of the show Dana was familiar with; after the final curtain, she turned to us and asked if she was the only one shipping Glinda and Elphaba, and I was amused that Kate beat me to it with an emphatic negative. After raiding the merchandise stall, and making plans to meet Dana for lunch the next day, Kate and I headed back to the hotel. She spent the entire walk talking to me about how much she loved the show and thanking me for taking her. Result!

It was on the train back here that reality began to sink in. Kate flies home for the summer tomorrow; it’s probably going to be three months until I see her again. She’s out with Jacob tonight, _and_ he’s taking her to the airport in the morning, so I’m going to make us breakfast; that will give us a chance to say our goodbyes. I’m really going to miss her.

#### Saturday, May 30th 2015

I’m glad I convinced Kate we should share an apartment; I’ve been here by myself for less than two weeks, and I’m definitely not a fan of quite this much alone time. On the plus side, summer term means lots of new faces; I had a very promising date last night.

#### Friday, June 12th 2015

Apparently ‘promising’ was only destined to last until I declined to put out on the third date. I wasn’t ready yet, and he decided he didn’t want to hang around and wait until I was. Patience is a virtue, jerkwad. He’s off to date another girl in the hopes that she _will_ abide by some bullshit sexist dating convention. Another three dates with me, and I probably would have been ready; instead, I feel like I dodged a bullet.

#### Wednesday, July 1st 2015

One session down, one to go. I really enjoyed the first set of classes, and I’m looking forward to the next batch. NERD ALERT! If only Taylor, Courtney, and the rest could see me now… God, I haven’t thought about them in months; seems like I’m getting pretty good at the whole “putting my past behind me” thing.

#### Thursday, July 23rd 2015

I’ve been doing a lot of sketching the last couple of weeks. There’s no way I’m ever going to be as good as Kate, but I’ve found it to be oddly relaxing. Summer’s definitely the time for it – I can sit out in the sun with my sketchpad and a Frappuccino, and while away a spare hour or two. In any case, it’s good to have another creative outlet; I’ve been a bit out of ideas when it comes to photography lately. Hopefully getting back to my regular classes in a month or so will help with that.

#### Friday, August 14th 2015

Well, what a complete fucking fiasco of a birthday this is! When I got into Sea-Tac last night, there was no-one to there to meet me – not exactly unusual, but still a little disappointing. When I got to the house, it was completely dark. Since my parents aren’t exactly the surprise party types, it was obvious that there was nobody home. I assumed that they must just have gone out for dinner or something. Typical. I headed up to my old room and decided that I might as well get an early night; seeing as I’m flying the red-eye back home on Sunday, there’s not much point me trying to adapt to the time change. Home, as in the apartment in Philly – this place hasn’t felt like “home” in years.

The flip-side of being back on Pacific time is that I feel like I had a lie-in this morning, and I was still up and about around seven. No sign of anyone else at that hour, so I raided the fridge for some breakfast, then curled up in front of the TV to binge something on Netflix. After half a dozen episodes with no sign of life, I finally went up to my parents bedroom. When there was no answer to my knock, I went in to discover an empty room and a bed that clearly hadn’t been slept in. Great, I made the effort of coming back here to spend my birthday with them, and my parents weren’t even in town!

I checked my phone for messages, and trawled through my email – including deleted items and the junk folder – just in case I somehow missed something from them, but no. When I called their phones and got voicemail both times, I started to get a little worried. It was entirely plausible that they’d changed their plans without bothering to tell me, so it’s not like I could report them missing. In the end, not having anything else to do, I went back to my bingeing.

It was around five that I finally got a call from Mother, telling me that they were at some conference where everyone had been asked to turn their phones off. Oh, and had they forgotten to tell me about the change of plans? She told me that they’ll be flying back tomorrow morning, and should be here around lunchtime, then asked if I could have some food ready. Before I could find a response to that, she said goodbye and hung up. No “Happy Birthday”, no apology, nothing.

I was sorely tempted to change my flight and head home tonight, but that would allow Mother to cast _me_ as the bad guy and rub my face in it for the next few decades. I refuse to give her the satisfaction.

#### Monday, August 17th 2015

Kate was here when I got back from Seattle; I hadn’t been expecting her until later in the week, so that was an awesome surprise. The moment she saw me, Kate rushed over to wish me Happy Birthday and give me an enormous hug. I have to say that I felt a lot better about the world after that; even before she produced the home-baked birthday cake. Who needs family when I have a friend like this?

#### Monday, September 7th 2015

How much of a nerd am I that I’m slightly sad about there being no classes today? Second year, and I’m still loving my course; maybe the solution my career dilemma is to stay in academia… Anyway, Kate and Jacob are away for the long weekend – their first trip together. It was his idea, which made me slightly nervous, but Kate assured me they would have separate rooms. I still can’t help but worry he’s testing the boundaries, though. Ugh, that or I’m simply jealous of how much of Kate’s time he gets.

Oh, well, at least I got something useful done today: white shoes boxed up and put in the back of the closet. _Malum in se_ , people!

#### Tuesday, September 8th 2015

Turns out that there was a “mix up” and the two lovebirds ended up in a twin room rather than separate rooms. Kate admitted that it was a bit awkward, but she shrugged it off. Personally, given that it was Jacob who booked it, I’m skeptical that there was any mix up at all. I worry that next time he’ll suggest booking a twin room from the start – to save money, of course – but they’ll somehow end up sharing a queen…

#### Saturday, September 12th 2015

It’s Kate’s birthday, and while she’s out with Jacob this evening, I got to have lunch with her – although the birthday cake was store-bought rather than home-made; I don’t have Kate’s baking skills. I was a little nervous about giving her the gift I’d found. After seeing her mending her battered old Bible with Scotch tape a couple of times recently, I’d set out to find her another. My plans of getting her a nice practical one got derailed when I spotted a gorgeous old leather-bound King James edition in the window of an antiquarian bookshop.

When Kate unwrapped it, her jaw dropped. She gingerly opened it to a couple of different places before looking at me seriously. “I can’t accept this, Victoria, it’s too much. And I’d be terrified of damaging it.”

“Of course you can,” I told her. “I’m an atheist; what am _I_ going to do with a Bible? Besides, I’m sure your God meant for His book to be read.”

“It _is_ very beautiful…” she murmured, half convinced.

“And it belongs with someone who will appreciate it not just for its beauty, but for the message it contains.” Kate shot me an appraising look, then nodded and pulled me into a hug. Top that, Jacob!

#### Sunday, October 4th 2015

Today is the second anniversary of that fateful Vortex Club party. Like last year, Dana came down for the weekend and crashed on our couch (it’s a sofabed, so _way_ better than Kate’s floor). We went dancing last night, just us Blackwell girls, and it was awesome. Apparently Jacob whinged about being left out – he seems to be getting really possessive; I kinda suspect that if we weren’t living together, I’d barely see Kate outside of class.

Looking back two years, I wonder how things would have turned out if I’d never made that awful video. I can’t deny that’s where the connection between Kate and me began – would we be friends now without the fallout from that, or would I still be the bitch I was in high school? If there was some way I could go back in time and change my actions that evening, would I? Who would I be now? Honestly, I don’t know.

#### Monday, October 12th 2015

If I was (still) the kind of person who said “I told you so”, then this would be the time. As I suspected, when Kate and Jacob went away for fall break, they ‘mysteriously’ found themselves in a hotel room with only one bed. Since Jacob “didn’t want to make a fuss about it”, Kate had to go and complain to reception herself; there weren’t any other rooms available, but thankfully it was one of those places where they zip two twins together to make the king bed. One visit from housekeeping later, and propriety was restored.

This time, I did try talking to her about my concerns, but I’m not really sure I got through. I’m at a loss as to what else I can do; I don’t want to push it any further and risk straining our friendship.

#### Sunday, November 8th 2015

It was Kate and Jacob’s first anniversary yesterday. They went out to celebrate, of course, but she didn’t seem too happy when she got home. It took some serious pestering before she would talk to me about it, and I didn’t much like what I heard. Apparently he made a big deal about how “it’s been a year now” since they started dating, and how that should show her how seriously he took their relationship. After dinner, he suggested they go back to his place where “there’s no roommate to bother us” (something I’ve always been careful not to do, by the way) and hadn’t taken it very well where Kate declined.

“I don’t understand,” Kate said, “did I do something wrong?”

“No, you didn’t do anything wrong,” I told her at once, then thought for a moment, wanting to be very careful what I said next. “I’m just worried that maybe the two of you want different things from each other. I think you should have a good, long think about which is more important to you: this relationship, or your abstinence pledge. I have a feeling that sooner or later Jacob is going to ask you to choose between the two.”

Kate’s denial was immediate, pointing out that he’d taken the pledge too. Once again, I chose not to push it any further – I guess I’m too damn selfish to risk losing her over my worries. There was a hint of doubt in her reply, though, so maybe I am getting through to her.

#### Sunday, November 22nd 2015

If my writing is shaky today, it’s because I’m still quivering with suppressed rage. My date last night stood me up, so I was home a couple of hours earlier than expected. When I opened the apartment door, I was greeted by the sight of Kate and Jacob making out on the couch. My embarrassment lasted about half a second until I saw that things had gone much further than the seated kissing which was the most I’d ever seen them do before. Jacob was lying fully on top of Kate, his mouth pressed against hers, one of his hands creeping under the hem of her blouse. What I’d taken to be Kate embracing him looked more like she was trying to push him away. It was what I saw in her eyes, though, that had me flying across the room to pull him off her.

“What the fuck?” Jacob screamed, as he landed awkwardly against the coffee table.

Ignoring him I turned to Kate. “Are you okay?” She nodded her head jerkily; then, a moment later, shook it.

“We were just making out,” said Jacob, looking like he was forcing himself to stay calm. “There was no need to overreact, Victoria.”

“And Kate was perfectly okay with that?” My voice was dripping with sarcasm.

“Of course she was,” he replied, clearly having missed my tone.

“No, I wasn’t,” said Kate, finally finding her voice. “I told you I wasn’t comfortable with what you were doing, and you didn’t care. I asked you to stop, and you carried on. I made it very clear when we started dating that I’d taken an abstinence pledge, and what it meant to me, and you told me that you’d done the same.”

“Yeah, but we’ve been together for a year now. That’s serious enough for most people, they don’t actually mean for the pledge to hold until their wedding night.”

“Well, I’m not ‘most people’. I made a promise before God, and I am _not_ going to break it.”

“Oh, come on, I’ve seen the video of you at that party,” he sneered.

A cold rage filled me. I yanked Jacob to his feet and pushed him towards the door. “You have _no_ fucking idea what you’re talking about. I think you should leave. Now. _Permanently_.”

“Make me,” he blustered.

My knee connected with his testicles; after that, he offered little resistance as I dragged him out of the apartment. “If you _ever_ come near Kate again, so help me I’ll…”

“You’ll what?” he asked with a final show of defiance. “You really think you can take me in a fight?”

“Maybe, maybe not.” I shrugged, and studied the backs of my fingers. “Wouldn’t want to risk breaking a nail, anyway.” I switched to my best ‘Ice Queen’ voice. “No, I have money, which means that I can hire people to do that for me. Large people, who don’t care about getting their hands a little bloody.” Without a backwards glance, I went back into the apartment, closed the door, and locked it. Kate was still lying on the couch; I went over and knelt next to her. “I am so sorry, Kate. This is all my fault.”

She turned to look at me. “No, it isn’t, Tori.”

“But the video…”

“Was just an excuse. He’s been moaning about the pledge ever since our anniversary.” She sighed. “I should have listened to your warnings and broken things off, but…”

I could see Kate starting to become agitated, so I reached out to stoke her hair and reassure her that none of it was her fault. Once she’d calmed down a little, I tried to persuade her to report it to the university, but she’d heard too many horror stories about poor handling of rape cases on campuses across the country to want to go through that for “something so minor” (her words). My assertion that it was still a sexual assault that deserved to be investigated fell on deaf ears; like what happened at Blackwell, Kate just wanted to put it behind her and move on with her life. I did at least convince her to bring it up with the church group where they met, so _someone_ will be keeping an eye on the bastard.

After that, Kate just wanted to go to bed. I helped her to her room, took off her shoes, and tucked her in. I was about to leave, when she called after me, asking me to stay. I turned to look at her, unsure of what to do until she flipped back the covers. Nervously, I took off my jacket and shoes, then climbed into bed beside her. Kate immediately snuggled into me and I instinctively wrapped an arm around her. I could feel her body relax and her breathing slow. Not long after that, I joined her in sleep.

When I woke up this morning, we were still in the same position, so I just lay there, not wanting to disturb Kate. I only had to wait a few minutes before her eyes slowly opened and she bid me a sleepy “Good morning.” Then she thanked me for staying with her, saying it was the only way she could feel safe.

Me, making Kate feel safe. It’s hard to believe how much can change in just a couple of years.

#### Thursday, November 26th 2015

Happy fucking Thanksgiving.

Kate has… not been doing well this week. I’ve been trying my best to be there for her, but I’m a little out of my depth here – I don’t think trash-talking her ex is really going to help much, and given the spectacular lack of success in my own love life, I’m not really qualified to offer advice. What I have been able to give her is a shoulder to cry on, and I have the damp clothes to prove it.

There is one area what I could offer Kate advice, or at least empathy. She’s feeling really betrayed, and that’s something I know all about. Of course, for me, it’s all tied up with Nathan, so I’m not really sure how well that would go down with Kate. I just wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better for her, but I can’t. I know that what she really needs is time, and all I can do is be here when she needs a friend.

##### Later

We roasted a chicken for our Thanksgiving dinner. Spending time in the kitchen together preparing our favorite vegetable dishes and making a pumpkin pie seemed to take Kate’s mind off things. For an hour or two, she was happy and laughing. Then, over dinner, she was talking about what she was thankful for: her sisters, her faith, being able to do classes she loved. “Most of all,” she finished, her head down, “I’m thankful for my best friend Tori.” She looked up at me with those big, hazel eyes, reached out and but her hand over mine. “I don’t think I could have made it through the past few days without your help.”

I wasn’t sure how to respond to that; there was a host of emotions swirling around inside me. I was really worried about what Kate meant by “not making it through the past few days”, but at the same time I felt an intense… pride isn’t quite the right word… that I’d been able to help her, even if I wasn’t really sure how. I was so overwhelmed that I actually started _crying_ , and a concerned Kate got up and came over to me. Quickly, I wiped my eyes. “I’m okay. I’m just… so thankful for my friend Kate.” I hesitated, than sang softly, “ _because I knew you, I have been changed… for good._ ”

At that, Kate’s eyes teared up too; I quickly stood and pulled her into a hug. We stayed like that for long minutes, not caring that the food was getting cold.

##### Even Later

Friends meddle, right? When their friend needs it? I _think_ so; I just hope I’ve done the right thing. Kate was Skyping her family this evening, after _they’d_ had dinner (yay, time differences.) I got introduced in passing to her parents, and her ‘baby’ sister Lynn. She’d been talking to the older of her sisters for a few minutes when she called me over and introduced me to Ruth, before apologizing and fleeing to the bathroom. The sixteen-year-old girl regarded me for a few seconds, then bluntly asked me what was up with Kate.

I was somewhat taken aback. I _may_ have been eavesdropping on the conversation, and Kate seemed to have been her normal, cheerful self. Clearly, Ruth had picked up on something, though, and the cause seemed obvious. I thought for a moment; Kate hadn’t said anything about her breakup – in fact, I couldn’t recall either Kate or her parents mentioning Jacob at all. That seemed odd – had she actually been hiding her relationship from them completely? If she hadn’t told her family, then it really wasn’t my place to interfere – but I could see Ruth’s concern growing at my lack of response.

I made a snap decision. I could sense that Ruth wasn’t going to let it drop and, in all honesty, I’m worried about Kate being without anyone who knows what she’s going through for the three weeks she’ll be home over Christmas. “I need you to promise that you won’t tell anyone else – especially your parents – about this.” Ruth nodded, and I took a deep breath. “Kate broke up with her boyfriend last weekend.”

Ruth’s eyes widened. “Kate had a boyfriend?” she said, confirming my suspicions. “For how long?”

“Just over a year.” A sharp intake of breath from Ruth. “He seemed like a nice guy at first, but after their anniversary, he… changed. He really hurt your sister; she’s been taking it hard.”

“ _She_ dumped _him_ , though?” I nodded. “Good for her. Is he… going to stay away?”

“I hope so; I threatened to hire some guys to beat the crap out of him if he ever comes near her again.”

Ruth smiled at that. “You’re a good friend to Kate. Thank-you for that, and for trusting me; I’ll keep an eye on her over the Christmas break.” Smart girl, she had me figured out. A moment later, I heard the bathroom door open, and quickly changed the subject.

#### Friday, December 18th 2015

Exams are over, so it’s time to head home. There’s no summer session for me to use as an excuse, and after my flying visit last year my parents are insisting on me spending the whole break there. Joy to the world, indeed. It remains to be seen how much of the time _they’re_ going to at home…

#### Thursday, December 24th 2015

Yup, sure enough, the parentals have had a non-stop series of parties and events to go to, so I’ve hardly seen them other than at the one dinner party they dragged me along to – and that was mostly about showing me off to their friends, bigging up how all my accomplishments reflected on them. Typical.

#### Sunday, December 27th 2015

I just had a really upset phone call from Kate. She’d had a mini-meltdown, and when Ruth went up to her room to comfort her, it became obvious that she knew about the breakup with Jacob. Putting two and two together, Kate realized that it must have been me who told Ruth, and she was… not happy about it. She accused me of betraying her trust and, well, I couldn’t really deny it – only promise that I’d done it with the best intentions, but… road to hell, and all that.

Anyway, she hung up on me and now she’s ignoring my calls and messages. I’m still convinced that I did the right thing, I just hope it hasn’t cost me the best friend I’ve ever had.

The only real friend I’ve ever had, to be honest.

Oh, fuck. What have I done?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended reading order: [Chapter One](/works/14307216/chapters/33009522) of _Missing Pieces_.


	5. Victoria Chase: The Bewilderness Years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, after an unexpected burst of inspiration last night, I’ve actually got this chapter finished almost a week before my self-imposed deadline. Whether I can keep that up remains to be seen…

#### Friday, January 1st 2016

New Year’s resolutions:

  1. Find some way to fix things with Kate.
  2. Keep kicking academic butt.
  3. Last year’s #3 was a bust; look for a girlfriend instead?



#### Saturday, January 2nd 2016

Kate got back today. I was in the kitchen, making some dinner, when I heard her key in the apartment door. I quickly brushed off my hands, ready to grovel, but when the door opened and I saw her, I simply froze. For a long moment, neither of us moved; then, Kate dropped her bags, walked over, and threw her arms around me.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled into my shoulder

“ _You’re_ sorry?” I asked, bewildered. Kate simply clung tighter, and I realized that she was crying. Tentatively, I put my arms around her, and for a long time we just held onto each other.

We were finally interrupted by the sound of the pasta boiling over. Reluctantly, I released Kate, then hurried to take care of it. She went to retrieve her bags and close the door, then came back to set the table. When that was done, she just leaned on the counter next to me while I finished up the food. Neither of us said anything until we were sat down, ready to eat.

“Thanks for doing this,” she said, indicating the meal, “and I owe you an apology.” Kate told me how, after talking to Max, she’d realized that she’d overreacted – and that she wasn’t really angry with me, she was angry with herself. “I’ve been lying to my family for over a year; maybe not directly, but at least by omission. It was completely unfair of me to shift the blame for that when all you were doing was trying to look after me.”

Relief flooded over me; it was only later that I felt a little bit of anger at what she’d put me through. Right then, though, I was simply glad that I hadn’t ruined things between us. In fact, after we’d eaten, Kate suggested we cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie. Okay, she didn’t actually _say_ ‘cuddle’, but she sure seemed to be in one of her more clingy moods – and I certainly wasn’t complaining about _that_.

#### Monday, February 15th 2016

Valentine’s Day when you’re single kinda sucks. Unless you have an awesome best friend who’s also single, then it sucks a whole lot less. We ordered pizza, watched a bunch of cheesy rom-coms, and heckled them while drinking copious amounts of wine. It was _awesome_.

#### Saturday, March 19th 2016

It was Kate who suggested that we go out dancing last night. It’s been four months since she ended things with Jacob, and apparently she’d been getting a little restless. When I pointed out that she was about a hundred times more likely to meet a guy who was only looking for a drunken hook-up that one who would actually be okay with her pledge, she simply laughed, and told me that she just wanted to dance.

As it turned out, I was the first one of us to get a dance partner. When Kate spotted the hot blonde who’d been making eyes at me, she grinned, stepped aside, and pushed me over to her before I had any chance to object. Not that I really wanted to, and I quickly became sufficiently distracted that I lost track of Kate beyond a dim awareness that she too was dancing with someone else. Unlike that guy in our freshman year, I was an eager participant when my new partner kissed me during a slow song – it helped that she worked her way up to it, rather than diving right in.

When the song ended, she quirked an eyebrow at me and nodded towards the door. I gulped, and tried to explain over the noise that I wasn’t comfortable with moving that fast – but if I was I totally would. I guess I got the message across, because she shrugged, gave me one last lingering kiss that left me breathless, and then disappeared into the crowd, presumably in search of fresh prey.

I looked around for Kate, and definitely didn’t panic when I couldn’t see her. No, not at all. Instead, I calmly conducted a search of the club, finally finding her in another, quieter room. She was sat at the bar, talking animatedly to some good-looking guy – an impressive feat given that ‘quieter’ was only a relative term. Kate saw me coming over and smiled. “Hi, Tori, I’d like you to meet my new friend Aaron.” She was talking loudly over the music. “Aaron, this is my roommate Victoria.”

“Pleased to meet you,” he said, with a genuine smile.

“Likewise. Do you mind if I borrow Kate for a minute?”

“Of course not.” He flashed a smile at Kate, then turned away to give us some privacy.

“You okay?” I asked.

“I’m having a great time!” Kate replied with a huge grin. I danced at her drink, “It’s just a Coke, I watched the bartender pour it, and I haven’t taken my eye off it.” She seemed really happy, and only slightly tipsy, so I realized that my best-friendly duty at that point was to butt out.

“Good. I’m going to go dance some more; you have fun, and text me when you’re ready to head home.” I gave her a quick hug, then headed back to the dance floor. I had no shortage of willing partners, but I never stayed with the same one for long, feeling a little bit unsettled. Partly it was the girl from earlier, but mostly it was Kate; whenever we’d been out dancing before, she’d always stuck with me, or with one of our other friends. Tonight she’d not only pushed me into the arms of another woman, she’d then found herself a guy to chat up.

Of course, I kept half an eye on the two of them. Aaron seemed to behave himself; first at the bar, then on the dance floor. When a slow song came on, and Kate went in for her usual head-on-the-shoulder thing, the way he put his arms around her was awkward, uncertain, and decidedly non-gropey. I couldn’t help but smile, despite the sudden flash of jealousy. I also decided that maybe it was time to give Kate a little more time space; when the song ended, I headed back to the main room of the club.

It was a couple of hours later when I finally got a message from Kate. I met her outside the exit and we headed off towards out apartment. “So, how was your evening?” I asked her.

Kate grabbed my hands and spun us around, a huge smile on her face. “ _I could have danced all night, I could have danced all night…_ ” she sang, her Audrey Hepburn impersonation impeccable.

“Woah there, Miss Doolittle,” I said, laughing. “I take it things went well with… Aaron.” I was rather pleased that I’d managed to remember his name.

Kate nodded eagerly. “I can’t wait to see him again. I gave him my number… do you think he’ll call tomorrow?” I was saved from having to answer that by her phone lighting up. Kate looked at it, squealed, and held it up so I could see the message. _Aaron: I miss you already <3_

“You two are going to be insufferable, aren’t you?” I said, grinning in spite of myself. That was when it struck me, why I’d always been leery of Kate’s old boyfriend – even before I had any real reason to be suspicious of Jacob: never, not once, was Kate _this_ happy about seeing _him_.

#### Sunday, March 20th 2016

Kate and Aaron had their first proper date last night. When I muttered something about ‘moving fast’, Kate pointed out that the two of them hadn’t really been able to talk properly on Friday night. “I doubt either of us heard even half of what the other said, what with how loud the music was. It would be good to actually get to know Aaron before I get too caught up in this.” I managed to restrain my self from muttering ‘too late’, but only just. When I’d asked Kate how she’d ended up dancing with him, she spouted some old cliché about ‘eyes meeting across a crowed room’ that sounded dangerously like love at first sight.

From what I’d seen the previous night Aaron seemed to be a nice guy – I just hoped he wouldn’t turn out to be a Nice Guy. I didn’t want Kate to have to go through that again so soon. When she asked for tips, I pointed out that she’d probably been on more dates than I had; she replied that I’d certainly been on a _lot_ more _first_ dates. That stung a little, although I couldn’t argue with it, but I still didn’t have much advice to offer other than the trite ‘be yourself’ – not that I think Kate could pretend to be someone else anyway. I also advised her to make her pledge crystal clear; better to put him off now than run into trouble later.

Aaron had let Kate pick where they were going, and she’d chosen an Italian place the two of us had been to a few times. Something comfortable and familiar, rather than an attempt to impress. That didn’t stop her from taking longer than I ever remember to pick an outfit – she must have modeled about half a dozen of them for me before she finally decided. After that, she actually asked me to help her with make-up. I was happy to, of course, but… while I’d done it before, that was as part of us getting ready for a night out together, and always me offering rather than her asking.

When I asked about it, Kate simply shrugged. “I want to make a good first impression.”

“I’m pretty sure you already did that last night,” I told her.

“Yes, but… have you ever met someone and just felt this instant connection?”

I thought about that for a while. “No, I haven’t,” I admitted.

Kate was immediately contrite. “I’m sorry Tori, I didn’t meant to…”

“It’s okay Kate. I’m happy that you _have_. Anyway, you look fantastic; if you weren’t so straight, I’d try and persuade you to have dinner with me instead.” I added that last with a crooked grin, to tell Kate that I wasn’t serious.

She laughed. “You can be my stand-by if Aaron stands me up.”

“Ouch! Victoria Chase is nobody’s second choice!” I exclaimed in mock anger. Kate simply laughed harder as I took her coat from the rack and helped her into it. “Go. Have an awesome evening with your future husband,” I told her as I propelled Kate out the door.

“He’s not my future…” she began indignantly as I gently closed the door in her face.

When it got to eleven o’clock, and Kate still wasn’t home, I started to get a little bit worried about her. I sent a querying text her way and, to my relief, got an instant response telling me that she and Aaron were in the coffee shop. She didn’t need to say exactly where; it would be our favorite one, the place we went to on our first date. Friend-date, that is. Come to think of it, the restaurant they went to was the same one we ate at that night. Feeling a little bit jealous – those were _our_ places – I sent another quick message: _So help me, if you watch the sunrise over the Delaware with him, I’m going to sue for copyright infringement._ When Kate’s response to that was _:D <3_ I found that I couldn’t stay even the least bit mad at her. I just hoped that her evening was going as well as the one she was so blatantly copying.

I woke up to find Kate gently shaking my shoulder. “You didn’t have to wait up for me, you know,” she told me. I blinked sleepily at her. I was confused, until the crick in my neck told me that I’d fallen asleep on the couch.

“I… didn’t mean to.” I yawned. “What time it?”

“About two-ish,” said Kate.

“You haven’t been getting up to any mischief, have you?”

“No! Aaron didn’t even try to kiss me goodnight.” She actually sounded a little bit disappointed about that.

“This is the twenty-first century, Kate. You don’t have to wait for the guy to make the first move!”

Kate blushed a little. “I’ll remember that for next time. Now, though, we both need to get some sleep.” She held out her hands to help me up.

“You did have a good time, though, right?” I asked.

The smile that lit up her face like a supernova was all the answer I needed.

#### Sunday, April 10th 2016

I got to properly meet Aaron last night; Kate invited him over and made dinner for the three of us. I was cautious at first, remembering Jacob, but that didn’t last long. Aaron was smart, easy-going, funny, and already seemed completely devoted to Kate. She looked about as smitten as he was, and I happily sat back to watch the pair of them interact. Clearly they had plenty in common – but they didn’t shy away from disagreeing with each other; in fact, they seemed to enjoy the lively debates that ensued even more than when they were on the same page.

It was a couple of hours before I got to talk to him alone. Kate had excused herself with a significant look which – together with the fact that my own period had arrived earlier in the day – told me she might be a little while. Aaron sprouted a nervous expression when I turned on him. “Is this when you threaten to kill me if I hurt Kate?”

I grinned. “Of course not. One: I don’t make threats, I make promises. Two: I hire people to do that sort of thing for me. Three: You’ll only _wish_ you were dead.” I let him stew for a few seconds before laughing. “The look on your face right now is priceless!”

“Well, after Kate told me what you did to Jacob… How did you get so protective of her anyway?”

“How much has Kate told you about how we met?”

“Just that it was your senior year in high school.”

I considered how much to tell him. “You know how every high school movie has a pack of mean girls led by some queen bee?”

“I guess.”

“Well, that was me – and Kate became my favorite victim. To say I hurt her _really_ badly would be a gross understatement; I won’t say more than that, because it’s her story to tell. Anyway, she made it though everything I threw at her – until _my_ life fell apart. I lost my friends, my status… and my belief that how I’d been behaving was in any way okay.”

“And then Kate took you under her wing?”

“No; in fact, the first time I spoke to her afterwards, she ripped me a well-deserved new one. After a few months, though, she did become the first person to stop treating me like a pariah, and by the end of the school year, we’d mostly buried the past. Kate let me in as kind of a fourth wheel to her little group of friends, although I sometimes wonder how much of that was to do with Max and Dana coupling up, and leaving _her_ a little bit out the outside. Either way, it wasn’t until we both ended up at Penn that we truly became friends. That was when I made a promise to myself that I’d never let anyone else hurt Kate the way _I_ hurt her.”

Aaron regarded me for a long moment. “No matter what’s in your past, I think Kate is very lucky to have you as a friend.”

I ducked my head, cheeks red with embarrassment. “Thank-you; I have a feeling she’s going to be lucky to have you too. I really don’t want to have to call those contractors on you…” We were both still laughing when Kate came back.

Later, there was a knock on my door; I’d given the two of them some privacy to say goodnight – hoping that they’d be more than just _saying_ it. I called for Kate to come in, and she flopped down on the bed next to me, a big, soppy smile on her face. I was pleased to see that her lipstick appeared to be the tiniest bit smudged.

“So,” I asked, “on a scale of one to ten, how happy are you right now?”

“Eleven… no, wait, twelve!” We both laughed. “Can I ask you something, Tori?”

“Of course, anything.”

“Are _you_ happy?”

That gave me pause. “Yeah, I guess. I mean, I have the awesomest best friend in the world, I love my course and my home, and I have all the pretty things I could want.” I knew that wasn’t what she was asking, though. “Sure, it might be nice to have someone special, but I don’t miss what I’ve never really had, and I’m not sure I want to make the compromises that would entail. So, yes, I’m happy enough.”

“Good, I’m glad; I do worry sometimes.”

“That’s why you’re such a great friend,” I told her. “C’m’ere.” I lifted up my arm; Kate shuffled over and rested her head on my shoulder. “Don’t forget about me when you’re living your happily-ever-after with Aaron.”

“Of course not; there’s always room in my life for a best friend.” She paused for a moment. “Hoes before bros, amirite?”

“Kate!” I was thoroughly scandalized – even if I _was_ choking back laughter.

She grinned at me, unrepentant. “Made you laugh didn’t it?”

And that’s why I love her.

#### Monday, April 25th 2016

There are still some things Kate and I don’t quite see eye-to-eye on, and politics is one of them. We even had a bit of an argument about it yesterday; well, it was more of a vigorous debate that ended up with us agreeing to disagree. The trigger was the fact that we were both going to political events, but for different candidates. Kate and Aaron were heading over to Drexel for a Bernie Sanders rally, and I was going down to City Hall to support Hillary Clinton.

I just feel like it’s more important to finally get a woman in the White House than someone so admirably progressive that he’s going to have trouble getting support from the congressional Democrats, let alone the Republicans (who are probably still going to have majorities anyway). Kate, of course, disagrees; she feels that a more liberal agenda is the most important thing, and if that requires the Democrats to take back Congress and the Senate as well, then that’s what needs to be done.

I have to admit, I respect and admire her uncompromising stance; particularly when she stands opposed to the Religious Right – which is what people who don’t know Kate very well would immediately associate her with. “They have so much to say about things upon which the Bible says so little, and so little to say about things upon which the Bible says so much,” she told me. “If they were actually interested in promoting Christian values, their priorities would be policies like universal healthcare and a proper social safety net – things that actually help people.”

I was saved from having to try and find a response to _that_ by Aaron arriving to collect Kate. I said a quick hello, joked about how it wouldn’t be fair to continue the debate when it was two against one, then retreated to my room to finish getting ready.

#### Sunday, May 1st 2016

So, I had a date yesterday evening with a cute girl I met at the Clinton thing last weekend. Actually, I’m not sure if ‘cute’ is the right word for someone who’s the walking embodiment of the ‘butch lesbian’ stereotype. Still, there’s definitely _something_ about her that made me take a second – and third – glance. I would say she’s not my usual type, but a quick skim through my dating history will probably reveal that I simply don’t have one.

The date itself was okay, I guess. I mean, I had a good time, Sally was great company, but… like always, I feel that there’s something missing. Is it that I’m not immediately wanting to jump into bed with her? Or is it that, in all honesty, I’d have been just as happy having a quiet evening at home with Kate. Is it too much to ask that I get _something_ from my love life that I’m not getting out of friendship?

#### Saturday, May 14th 2016

Almost two weeks, that must be some sort of record! #sarcasm

Had my final date with Sally last night. I still felt like something was missing, she accused me of simply not trying, we fought, and Sally stormed off. The sad thing is, I’m not even that bothered about it. It’s almost as if I’m writing off my relationships before they even start, because that way I won’t care that a handful of dates is as far as things ever go. I think maybe it’s time to take a step back and think about what I actually want.

I’m kinda glad that Kate was actually out yesterday evening. Her looking all sad that I was home early from my date would have been the last thing I needed. She’s so loved up at the moment, and seems desperate to get me that way too…

#### Thursday, June 23rd 2016

Oh, Britain!

America would never do something so stupid.

Right?

#### Sunday, July 10th 2016

I slept with Kate last night.

Not like that, you perv. Me perv? Is anyone else ever going to read this? Anyway, the reason she’s here this summer is so her parents can have a few weeks off; the reason she’s sharing my bed is because her two sisters are sleeping in hers. Originally, she was planning to use the sofa-bed, but it’s really not that comfortable – besides, trying to sleep in the main room of the apartment for weeks on end didn’t seem very practical to me. My bed’s a California king, so it’s not like we were going to be short on space, plus she can share my bathroom rather than have the three sisters fight over one. Of course, the downside is that I’m going to have to wear pajamas during the hottest part of the year.

I’m here for the summer sessions again. Kate’s scholarship doesn’t cover that (and, of course, she wouldn’t let me sponsor her), but that’s not stopped her from getting a head start on studying for next year’s classes, as well as working on some personal projects. Aaron, it turns out, _is_ here for the summer term – something which I’m sure _in no way_ factored into Kate’s decision to suggest this plan to her parents. It also means that she somehow got me to agree to babysit a pair of teenagers once or twice a week so they can go out on dates. At least she’s not hiding _this_ relationship from her family – or, at least, from her sisters.

#### Saturday, July 16th 2016

Not sure why I was worried about the whole ‘babysitting’ thing. Teenagers are easily kept happy with movies and take-out pizza. I passed on the third part of the trifecta – alcohol – on the grounds that my roommate would probably kill me, but the girls didn’t even mention it anyway. Ruth and Lynn are basically younger versions of Kate. I’m not saying that they’re clones, but they both have that same essential goodness and niceness to them.

Lynn, as the youngest, seems to be the favored daughter, and buys into her mother’s bullshit a little more than the other two – but not to the point of being obnoxious about it. While she didn’t look too happy about the fact that I don’t go to church regularly, and she winces every time I swear, she hasn’t actually said anything about either. Plus, she pretty much worships the ground Kate walks on.

Ruth, on the other hand, seems more relaxed than her older sister. We had a long talk after Lynn had gone to bed; she thanked me for dealing with Jacob, and for generally looking after Kate. For some reason that made me feel like I owed her the truth about the beginnings of my… association with Kate; the fact that I bullied her, but not any of the details – those aren’t mine to share. Ruth surprised me by coming over and giving me a big hug.

“Why…?” I asked her.

“Because whatever you did in the past, you changed yourself… for Kate. You really care about her, don’t you?”

“I did it for myself, as well – but yes, I do.”

“Then we’re good. If my big sister has forgiven you, then I’m sure as hell not going to hate you on her behalf.”

“Ruth!” I exclaimed in mock dismay. “I hope you don’t let Lynn hear you using language like that.” She gave me a look that clearly said ‘bitch, please’ – and we both burst into laughter. A few moments later, I heard the front door shutting, and looked around to see Kate beaming at us.

“I’m sho happy the two of you are getting on!” She said, taking a few slightly unsteady steps over to the couch.

“I think I need to take your sister to bed,” I told Ruth – who then proceeded to snigger at me. I playfully batted at her, then got up and took Kate’s arm. We exchanged goodnights with Ruth as I led her over to my room. I sat her down on the bed and passed Kate her pajamas, then took my own into the en-suite and got changed. I was debating with myself how long to wait, when I heard a muffled call from the bedroom.

I hurried back in, and was greeted by the sight of Kate in nothing but her underwear, failing to cope with the clasp of her bra. “Help,” she said, plaintively. Trying not to stare at her, I helped Kate out of her bra and into her pajamas, then tucked her into the bed. “Thanksh, Tori,” she told me with a sleepy smile. I grabbed my Kindle and curled up on the other side to read a chapter or two, trying to ignore Kate’s adorable little snores.

#### Sunday, July 24th 2016

I let the Marshes drag me to church this morning. It turned out that Kate had a solo number today (she’s in the church choir, natch) which is why her sisters insisted on me being there. I wonder how many times that’s happened before and I haven’t been there to support her – or to enjoy her beautiful voice. I feel a little bit bad about that, but as much as I didn’t ask, Kate didn’t tell, so…

#### Monday, August 15th 2016

I celebrated my twenty-first birthday with the three Marsh sisters – after last year’s fiasco, there was no way I was going to bother going back to my parents’ place. Lynn and Ruth had banded together to bake me a cake, and Kate spent a couple of hours putting together a lavish evening meal. I was allowed to hang out with her in the kitchen while she cooked, but only on the strict understanding that I wasn’t actually allowed to _do_ anything.

About ten minutes before dinner was ready, there was a knock on the door. Aaron greeted me with a cheery “Happy Birthday!” and a peck on the cheek _before_ going over to kiss Kate. After that, he got mobbed by her sisters, who have clearly decided that he’s excellent future brother-in-law material. They’re headed back home in a couple of days, and I think that Aaron and I are going to miss them almost as much as Kate will.

Dinner was fantastic; both the food, and the company. The loud, happy banter over the table was a far cry from the last birthday I spent with my parents – near silence, punctuated only by carefully crafted verbal barbs. I told Kate about that when we were lying in bed, not quite ready to go to sleep. “Can I be part of your family instead of mine?” I added.

“You wouldn’t ask that if you’d met my Mother,” she muttered darkly. “If she knew you were the person who bullied me at Blackwell, she’d… probably despise you almost as much as she does me.” I reached out my hand across the bed; Kate took it in hers and squeezed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be a downer.”

I smiled at her. “You’re not. Thanks to you, I just had the best birthday I can remember.” The smile that earned me made my heart melt.

#### Tuesday, September 13th 2016

“Honestly, I can’t believe the President’s a day late for my birthday!” Kate told me with a smile as we headed into town. “It was my twenty-first, as well.”

“It’s scandalous,” I agreed. “I bet he didn’t even get you a card, or _anything_.” We were on our way to a campaign event that Obama was doing in support of Hillary; Kate is far too pragmatic to have joined the ‘Bernie or Bust’ camp. ‘Clinton might not be my first choice,’ she’d told me after the conventions, ‘but she’s a billion times better than Trump.’

That’s a statement I can heartily endorse. Not that it’s saying much; I think I’d prefer a third term of Dubya to The Donald. Ugh.

Aaron and I teamed up to take Kate out for dinner last night. It was actually his idea; I was expecting that just the two of them would go out – but really I shouldn’t have. From the start, he’s always been supportive and respectful of our friendship. I’m going to take that as a really good sign, seeing as how cutting women off from their female friends is one of the things that douchebag guys like to do. Instead, he’s gone out of his way to try and make friends with me. I say try, but actually he’s succeeded. He’s probably my second-best friend after Kate now – which makes me even more invested in their relationship, because obviously I’d have to cut ties with him if they ever broke up.

Clever boy…

##### Friday, October 7th 2016

It’s fall break, so yesterday we had a lazy day at the apartment. We spent a good chunk of it watching silly YouTube videos on the TV. I dug up some of the classics, like _End of Ze World_ and _Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny_. Kate made us watch a bunch of funny cat videos, so now I kinda want a cute furry pet. Aaron showed us some clips of this British stand-up comedian who did a bunch of musical skits about things like The Edge’s effects pedal failing at a U2 concert, French ambulance sirens, and a Kraftwerk cover of the Hokey Pokey (no, really).

I know it sounds kinda lame, but it was actually an awesome day of just hanging out with my friends. Turns out that’s all it takes to make me happy.

#### Later

I just realized that it would have been the third anniversary of a certain party at Blackwell a few days ago. I discovered that Kate had forgotten all about it too – which I’m pretty sure is a good sign. We called up Dana, and happily she’s free this weekend, so I booked her on an Amtrak down tomorrow, and we can have our traditional night out – no boys allowed (sorry, Aaron).

#### Tuesday, November 8th 2016

Yesterday was fantastic. We all went down to Independence Mall for Hillary’s big campaign wrap-up event. Bruce Springsteen, the Obamas, hope and optimism… I couldn’t wait to vote for our first female President. Now I’ve done that, and we just have to wait for the results. I know the polls say it’s close, but I believe…

##### Later

Re: June 23rd, I stand corrected.

Fuck.

#### Sunday, December 7th 2016

So, I’ve not really written about it – possibly due to the lack of good news – but I did dip my toes in the dating pool again this term. There were a few cute freshman girls who caught my eye (yes, I’m a terrible shark), and even the odd senior who deserved a second look. Apparently I’ve still got it when it comes to persuading girls to go out with me… but it goes downhill from there. This term’s result card, for depressing posterity:

  1. First dates: 12
  2. Second dates: 5
  3. Third dates: 2
  4. Fourth dates: 0



Ouch.

#### Sunday, January 1st 2017

New Year’s resolutions:

  1. Stop writing about politics; it’s too fucking depressing – and we haven’t even got to Inauguration Day yet.
  2. Organize a sweepstake on when Aaron’s going to pop the question.
  3. Give up on trying to date; I’m clearly a lost cause.



#### Tuesday, February 14th 2017

So, remember last year when I had a pretty good Valentine’s Day with my single best friend? Not so much this year. Kate begged me to let her have the apartment for a romantic dinner with Aaron so they didn’t have to brave the insane crowds at some restaurant. I couldn’t argue with that as a plan, but it does mean that I’m locked in my room for the duration, headphones in, to give them some privacy. I did think about having a good long soak in the bath, but of course my en-suite only has a shower, so _that’s_ out.

In the end, after a bit of searching, I decided to watch _Some Like it Hot_ on the grounds that it featured a) The Valentine’s Day Massacre (how I feel) and b) Marilyn Monroe (who I’d _like_ to feel). Bonus points for Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis in drag. Even more bonus points for that ending, tho’ – the completely blasé “nobody’s perfect” response from a guy finding out that his fiancée is, in fact, also a guy. It might be played for laughs, but still a pretty progressive note for a film from the fifties.

The depressing thing is, it might well be considered a ‘progressive’ note if they put something similar in a movie today…

#### Monday, March 20th 2017

It was Kate and Aaron’s anniversary last night. They went out to dinner at the same Italian place they had their first date, but Kate invited me to meet them at the coffee shop afterwards so I could celebrate with them too. It means a lot to me that they aren’t simply avoiding turning into one of these couples who have no time for anyone except each other, but are actively seeking out my company even for things like this. Unlike their first date (let alone my first ‘date’ with Kate) we didn’t stay there too late, but we spent a couple of happy hours drinking over-complicated beverages and chatting about random shit.

I hope they get to celebrate many more anniversaries like that.

#### Wednesday, April 19th 2017

It was an unexpectedly hot day, so I’d stopped by Starbucks on the way home to pick up some cold drinks – an iced coffee for Kate, and a flat-out frozen one for me. Naturally, when I saw they had a limited-edition special on the menu, I had to try it – even if the theme wasn’t really my thing.

When I got to our apartment a couple of minutes later, Kate gratefully accepted her drink, then stared at mine. “What the fork is that?” she asked.

“A Unicorn Frappuccino,” I told her, solemnly.

She thought for a moment, before leaning forward to rest a hand on my arm. Concern was etched on her face as she looked me right in the eye and said, “Oh, Tori, don’t you realize that you will have but a half-life, a cursed life, from the moment the drink touches your lips; for you will have slain something pure and defenseless to slake your thirst.”

She managed to keep her face straight for almost five seconds before we both cracked up.

#### Monday, June 19th 2017

Wow.

We had Aaron over for dinner last night; not an uncommon occurrence over the past year, but Kate had put some extra effort into the meal – with a little help from yours truly. It was only after we all sat down to eat that I discovered it was their fifteen month anniversary. I would tease, but I figure they’re allowed to celebrate every three months until they get to, say, two years. Besides, I’m hardly in a position to mock – I’m not convinced I’ve ever managed to date the same person for fifteen _days_.

I might also have teased them for not celebrating with a fancy meal out, but I’d learned a while back that simply wasn’t Kate and Aaron’s style. They’re a pair of homebodies, happy to spend a quiet evening at his place or, more often, here. When they go _out_ it’s almost always because they have some particular activity planned, not just for the sake of it. I guess I can respect that, plus it means I still get to see plenty of Kate – unlike when she was dating Jacob – and I quickly found that I like spending time with Aaron too. Sure, it’s polite to be friendly with your best friend’s boyfriend, but having him turn out to be a good friend in his own right is a pretty nifty bonus.

Still, after clearing the table and washing the dishes, I was about to excuse myself so that they could have some alone time, but something about Aaron caught my eye. It took me a moment to spot the small box he’d pulled out of his pocket, still held below the table where Kate couldn’t see it. My eyes widened as he went round to her and dropped to one knee – but Kate’s were like saucers. I couldn’t quite catch the words Aaron softly spoke to her, but the enormous smile and enthusiastic nodding told me her answer. I’m not ashamed to admit that I was wiping away a tear as I watched him slide the ring onto her finger, then stand up and pull her into a kiss.

When they finally separated, Kate looked over and started towards me. I met her half way, picked her up, and spun her around while we both laughed. “Congrats, Kate! I am so unbelievably happy for you.” When I put her down, I went over to give Aaron a hug. “You as well, Aaron. The two of you totally deserve each other, and I mean that in the best possible way.”

“Thanks, Tori.” Kate couldn’t keep the smile off her face.

“This calls for a toast,” I told them, walking over to the fridge to retrieve the bottle of Champagne I always keep there. Kate had seen what I was doing, and already had the glasses ready by the time I’d worked the cork out with a satisfying _pop!_ Once I’d poured us each a drink, I held mine up. “To love, and the happy couple who’ve found it. I look forward to watching you grow old and grey together.”

“To love,” echoed Kate and Aaron as we all clinked our glasses together.

“Watching?” asked Kate after a moment.

“Well, I suppose I’ll grudgingly let you move in together after the wedding, but it had better not be too far away or I’ll just have to follow you!”

“Very generous of you,” said Aaron, with mock seriousness.

I gave him a courtly curtesy. “Why, thank-you, kind Sir.” We all burst into laughter.

I went to grab my laptop, and Skyped Dana and Max so that Kate could share her news. Afterwards, they called Kate and Aaron’s families, and by the time _that_ was done, we were well into the second bottle of Champagne. I poured myself a final glass before retreating to my room to give the two of them some privacy.

I’m happy for Kate, truly I am; Aaron’s a really great guy, and I meant everything I said. It’s just… there’s a part of me that _isn’t_ happy. I’m not sure why, and I’m certainly not writing down any wild ideas I might have about the reason.

##### Later

So, um, Aaron stayed over last night. When I finally got up after lounging in bed with my journal, I found the couch folded out and him asleep on it, clothes draped over the back. Honestly, I don’t know why we bothered getting a queen bed for Kate’s room if she’s still not going to share it – chastely, of course – even now he’s her fiancé. Oh well, at least it’s another sign that he really is a decent guy who’s happy to respect her pledge.

I padded over to the kitchen to fire up the coffee maker. It wasn’t exactly quiet, but there’s a limit to how long I’m willing to wait to get some caffeine into my system. Sure enough, there was some grumbling from the couch, and by the time I was pouring myself a large mug of the sweet nectar of the gods, a sleepy head appeared over the back of it.

“Good morning,” I said brightly. “Coffee?”

Aaron blinked owlishly. “Uh, yes, please.” I made up another mug, adding cream and sugar because apparently I know how he takes his coffee. “Thanks,” he told me as I took it over, “you’re a life-saver.” He glanced at the clock and swore. “I need to get going soon.” His eyes darted to the bedroom door. “Um… would you mind seeing if Kate’s awake so I can say goodbye?”

I raised an eyebrow at him. “You’re engaged now. I think you’re safe to knock and enter.”

Aaron actually blushed. “No, I couldn’t! What if she’d getting dressed or something…”

I shook my head, and slipped into Kate’s room. My eyes quickly adjusted to the dim light, and I could see that she was still asleep. I went over and gently stroked her arm; a moment later, she looked up at me. “Hey, Tori, what’s up?”

“Your boyf…iancé needs to go soon, but he’s too shy to come in and wake you up himself.”

Kate smiled. “I’m not sure if I should be grateful, or exasperated,” she said, climbing out of bed. She pulled on a robe and followed me back out into the main room. Aaron was standing by the couch, pants on, buttoning up his shirt. Kate went straight over to kiss him, and I busied myself in the kitchen, making her some coffee. A minute or so later, Aaron called his goodbye to me, and Kate came over to gratefully accept her drink.

She held up her other hand to admire the ring again – a silver band with three small sapphires set in it. It was beautiful and understated, just like the woman wearing it. Somehow, I didn’t think that a big, flashy rock would have suited her.

“How would you feel about being my Maid of Honor?” Kate asked.

I blinked in surprise. “I would be… honored. You don’t want one of your sisters, though?”

Kate shook her head. “I want them as bridesmaids, yes, but they’re too young and too far away for such a demanding role. I need that Victoria Chase sense of _style_ to help plan my wedding – and there’s also a hen party for you to organize.”

“You do realize that both of those things come with the Victoria Chase lack of sense of budget, right?”

Kate laughed. “I’m sure we can find a happy compromise. What do you say?”

“It’s a deal.”

#### Saturday, 8th July 2017

I’m writing this sat in bed next to Kate. Yes, her sisters are here again! It’s only for a couple of weeks this year, but I’m really happy to see them. Unfortunately, Kate’s going to be heading back with them to answer a parental summons. She might have been comfortable hiding a boyfriend from them, but now she’s engaged, she kinda had to spill the beans. I’m going to miss her, but I guess I’m going to have to get used to it. Kate and Aaron haven’t set a date yet, but somehow I doubt they’re going to wait until long after graduation. Once they’re married, she’ll be gone for good.

#### Monday, August 14th, 2017

I got a Skype call from Kate this morning. She’d been hoping to be back here by now, and was actually pretty upset that her mother insisted she stay there until the start of term. I could see her trying to hide it as she sung Happy Birthday to me, but I know her to well for that. Still, it means a lot to me that she cares so much. More than I can say, actually. It gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside; the same one I get from her hugs. I’ll have to wait to claim one of _those_ until she gets back

##### Later

Okay, surprise! Aaron showed up to take me out to dinner; apparently Kate had suggested it, the sneaky little so-and-so. He didn’t complain while I spent half an hour flailing over what to wear – in fact, he must have expected it given that we still arrived at the restaurant early for our reservation. I’m pretty sure it’s actually the first time we’ve spent much time together alone, so we did this weird getting-to-know-you thing – we’d both done that with Kate, so we’d ended up not knowing basic things about each other like where we grew up, and if we have siblings…

Aaron was the perfect gentleman, walking me home. I thanked him profusely, and decided I could get away with a goodnight kiss on his cheek. Is it weird that the best date I ever had with a guy was a strictly platonic thing with my best friend’s fiancé? Scratch that, it’s not weird, it’s _depressing_ – especially if you add that the best date I ever had with a _girl_ was that first night out here with Kate…

#### Sunday, September 10th, 2017

I decided to throw Kate a surprise party for her birthday this year; last night, so that nobody had to go to school hung-over, and so that a couple of out-of-towners could join us and a few of Kate’s friends from class. Dana came down from New York – the first time I’d seen her in almost a year – and Ruth from Boston, where she’s just started at Tufts. Aaron took Kate out for tea first, ostensibly so that I could cook a special meal in peace, and it worked like a charm. The look on her face when she came in to find us all waiting for her was _priceless_.

There wasn’t any home cooked meal, though, just a selection of snacks and (later) a large stack of take-out pizzas. Aaron had brought round his PlayStation earlier, and we had it hooked up to play _SingStar_. That went on all evening, with a bunch of us competing for second place – there certainly wasn’t any need to take it easy on the Birthday Girl; even after a few drinks she was still hitting near-perfect scores. It was a _lot_ of fun, and I’m sorely tempted to get a console for the apartment so we can play here, but the fact that Kate’s never mentioned it to me makes me think that maybe she’d like to keep it as a thing just for her and Aaron. I can respect that.

I woke up with a naked girl in my bed this morning. Dana was bunking with me; apparently she shares my dislike for sleep-wear, and we were both drunk enough not to care. I discovered this fact when she got up, asked if she could have first dibs on the shower, rooted around in her case to find her wash bag, and then walked around the bed to the en-suite – all without a stitch of clothing on. She’s even more unself-conscious than I am! Not that I can blame her with that dancer’s body she has; I mean, wow! I may have stared a little, trying to visualize all the shots I’d like to take if I could persuade her to do some nude modeling for me. I wonder if she ever did for Max? Probably, and I have to say that makes me a little jealous.

#### Wednesday, October 18th 2017

“Aaaargh!” The shout had me rushing to Kate’s room, barely waiting between knocking and entering.

“You okay?” I asked. Kate was sat cross-legged on her bed, with her laptop shut in front of her. She shot me a guilty look before nodding sheepishly.

“I’ve just… had it with Max being a stubborn idiot.” Ah. The on-going relationship drama of little Miss Go-Fuck-Your-Selfie. Frankly, I was tired of hearing about it. “I don’t know what else I can do to make her see sense.”

“What about Monica?” I asked.

Kate shook her head. “She’s Max’s ex, that doesn’t really help her credibility; not that it’s stopped her trying.” She sighed. “I just wish I could go over there and talk some sense into her.” There was something about the way she said ‘talk’ that made it sound dangerously close to being a euphemism.

“Well, why don’t you?”

“There’s no way I can afford…”

“I’ll pay. It’ll be worth it not to have to hear Maxine’s whining any more.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t accept that… but if you wanted to go yourself…”

“So I can spend money _and_ time on this?”

“More money, because _you’ll_ have no qualms about flying business class. But just think, you would get to ‘talk’ some sense into Max _personally_.” Kate didn’t actually mime the air quotes, but they were heavily implied.

“Okay, fine.” It’s not like I was much good at saying ‘no’ to Kate, although the grin she gave me strongly suggested that I’d just been played.

“Thanks, Tori.”

“Just remember, I’m doing this for you, not for her.” In all honesty, that wasn’t entirely true. For all our mutual antipathy, I still consider Max a friend, and I hate seeing her go through… all of that. Even so, what she needed was a good bitch-slap, and I was more than happy deliver it. Maybe a peace-offering as well, though. I remembered another Maxinian tragedy Kate had told me about a couple of weeks ago, and an article I read the other day. Yes, that would be just the thing…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended reading order: [Chapter Two](/works/14307216/chapters/35927025) of _Missing Pieces_.
> 
> That will finally get us beyond the university years, and indeed the present day, and also up to a certain big event (after this chapter, you can probably have a good guess at what it will be). I’m hoping that after that I might be able to mange slightly more frequent updates as the chapters will probably be shorter, are slightly better plotted out, and already partially written. That’s probably just wild optimism on my part, though.


	6. Victoria Chase and the Wedding of Mass Distraction

#### Sunday, October 22nd 2017

Even at this time of year, it’s still hot in Los Angeles. The cab I took from LAX over to Max’s college campus had flaky air-con, so I was an over-heated, sweaty mess when it dropped me off. I was regretting letting Kate talk me into it; flying across the country to try and convince someone who isn’t _really_ a friend to end things with a girlfriend who lied first about the existence of her boyfriend, and then about breaking up with him. Relationship drama is _so_ not my thing.

I pulled out the piece of paper Kate had written the dorm details on and tried to figure out which building I was supposed to be going to. I thought I’d found the right one and was nerving myself up to go in, when a familiar-looking person came out. At least, I hoped she was, and I wasn’t doing that white-person thing of tending to mix up people of color. She must have seen me looking, because she came over. “Victoria, right?” she asked.

“Yeah; hi, Monica.”

“What brings you all the way out here?”

“Kate deputized me to try and talk some sense into Max.”

She snorted. “Well, good luck with that. I’ve been trying for weeks.”

“So has Kate. I’m not really sure what she’s expecting me to do. Camp out in Max’s room and refuse to leave until she grows a pair and breaks it off with Penny?”

Monica sniggered. “That might actually work. C’mon, I’ll show you where her place is. They kinda skimped on the signage, so nothing’s easy to find in there.” She swiped a card to unlock the front door, then led me through a twisty maze of corridors and stairwells, before finally pointing at a door with a Polaroid selfie attached to it. She gave me a double thumbs-up, then retreated back the way we came.

I sighed, and knocked on the door; it opened after a few seconds. Max gaped at me. “Victoria?”

“Maxine.” I breezed past her into the room. Things went downhill from there. Of course there wasn’t anything I could say to Max that at least two of her friends hadn’t already told her, and even my plan to annoy her into compliance didn’t seem to be getting anywhere either. The whole trip was beginning to feel like a waste of time and money, when Max got a phone call.

It started with a cheery “hey, sweetie,” but rapidly got more serious. When she finally hung up, Max looked at me with a defeated expression. “Penny’s pregnant.” That showed up the lie that she’d stopped sleeping with her boyfriend months before, and Max didn’t seem to believe her new claim that it had been a one-time thing. Penny’s suggestion that she and Max could raise the child together had her both highly skeptical, and somewhat disinterested – she might want kids someday, but certainly not yet.

“She’s never going to leave him, is she?”

“No, she isn’t,” I told her, as kindly as I could manage. Max nodded, then burst into tears. Awkwardly, I put an arm around her; she leaned in and clung to me like a lifeline. Her tears soaked into my blouse, and from the way she was sniffling, I suspected they weren’t the only thing she was getting on it. I forced myself to ignore that, and focus on the fact that my friend was in pain. Instead, I chose to simply hold her until she was ready to move; that took a while.

Eventually, she sat back and wiped her cheeks. Any temptation to tell her ‘I told you so’ evaporated, even if I privately agreed with her assertion that I must think she was an idiot. We may not be close friends, but I was surprised to find that I still cared. Now it was _Penny_ I wanted to hunt down and give a piece of my mind – and I told Max as much. That finally made her smile.

“I’ve got something else that might put a smile on your face,” I told her, retrieving the gift I’d impulsively bought her from my bag. “Kate told me your old camera had an accident.” She tore through the wrapping paper to reveal the shiny new Polaroid OneShot 2. If I remembered correctly, it should take the same film packs as her old camera, along with the slightly cheaper battery-free ones.

“Wow! Victoria, I… thank-you. This is perfect.”

“I know you’ll make good use of it,” I told her. I ended up taking her and Monica out for dinner; Max felt like she needed to make a long and groveling apology to her best friend, and she wasn’t above taking advantage of my penchant for fine dining to grease the wheels. Once that was out of the way, we had a fun evening getting Max thoroughly plastered. It was only after I’d helped Monica get her home that I realized I’d completely forgotten to check into my hotel.

One quick phone call later, and I’d confirmed that they’d already given my room to someone else. Rather than leaving me to try and find another hotel – after midnight on a weekend – Monica dragged me back to her room. “It’ll be fine,” she told me, “at least the beds are bigger than in the shared rooms; there’s a reason that even when I was sleeping with Max, I very rarely _slept_ with her.” I had to borrow a T-shirt, though, because I was traveling light and expecting to have a room to myself.

I don’t think I’d shared such a small bed since teenage sleepovers back before Blackwell. It kinda inevitably led to us being bundled together rather closely. I wasn’t complaining, though – whatever else I may think about Max, it turns out she has _excellent_ taste in women; I’d seen a photo of Penny too, and for all that she’s a lying, manipulative shit, she’s also fucking gorgeous.

The next morning, we went out to pick up breakfast burritos from a place just around the corner. “Trust me,” Monica said, “Max is going to need one of these for her hangover.” Sure enough, the moment she opened her door – looking very much the worse for wear – she grabbed one, and kissed Monica full on the lips.

“You’re a life-saver,” she said, then squinted at me. “Why are you still here?”

“There was a problem with my hotel, so Monica let me crash with her.” I put on a husky tone as I continued. “I must say your ex is _very_ good in bed.” Max’s eyes widened and her jaw dropped before I continued, “she’s not a fidget, she doesn’t hog the covers and, unlike Kate, she doesn’t snore…” Max punched me on the arm, and we all dissolved into laughter.

After we’d eaten, Monica took on a more serious tone. She asked if Max had decided what she was going to do about Penny. Hesitantly, she nodded; they were meeting for lunch, and she was going to break up with her then. Monica and I volunteered as backup, so a few hours later we were sat in a café, watching the two of them on the other side of the room. Penny looked like she was pleading with Max but, after a moment when it looked like she might falter, our friend shook her head firmly. Penny got up, said one last thing, and slowly walked away, tears on her cheeks. She stopped at the exit and looked back; when she saw that Max wasn’t watching her, she got an entirely different expression. She looked more like a petulant child whose favorite toy had been taken away than someone who’d just been dumped by her lover. With a final huff, she left.

Monica and I went to sit with Max. “Well, it’s over,” she told us. She let out a long, slow breath. “Thanks for trying to talk sense into me. I wish I’d listened sooner, maybe then I wouldn’t be feeling quite so shitty right now.” She sighed. “I’m going to head back to my room, because I really need to be alone right now.”

Monica volunteered to keep me company until I had to head back to LAX to catch the red-eye home. We went down to the lake and just hung out for a few hours before grabbing some dinner at a Moroccan place nearby. Which takes me to now, sitting in an airport lounge, waiting for my flight to board. Was it worth it? I’m not sure. I think it was Penny’s bombshell rather than anything I said that finally changed Max’s mind. If it managed to clear the air between us, though, then maybe that’s reward enough. Well, that, plus I got to share a bed with a cute girl.

#### Thursday, November 23rd 2017

I think I may have eaten a little bit too much. Kate and I got a rather carried away with the number of different dishes we made for our Thanksgiving dinner; we didn’t let Aaron near the kitchen on the grounds that even Kate admits that he’s a terrible cook. It was great to spend the holiday with them, especially since they’re going to be at Kate’s parents’ for Christmas, so I’m going to be here all alone.

#### Tuesday, December 5th 2017

Kate and Aaron have _finally_ named the day. Okay, I’m teasing – I get that finding a date when all the essential members of the bridal party can make it, _and_ the church hasn’t already been booked by someone else, _and_ they can get a venue they like for the reception isn’t easy. Still, I think I’ve been waiting very patiently for them to get to the part of the wedding planning that involves _me_. Now I can start whittling down my ideas; obviously the color schemes I was thinking about for a June/July wedding can go as they’d be _totally_ inappropriate for late August. I should go scout out the church so I know what flower arrangements are going to be needed. Oh, and I have to get the venue details from Kate ASAP so that I know what sort of space I’m working with…

#### Monday, January 1st 2018

New Year’s resolutions:

  1. Make sure that Kate’s wedding is absolutely perfect.
  2. Ace those final exams.
  3. Keep enjoying the single life.



#### Saturday, January 20th 2018

“Um, Tori? You do realize this is _my_ wedding we’re planning, not _yours?_ ” We’d just spent the last hour going through all the plans and ideas I’d spent the last couple of weeks working on.

“Of course I do,” I told her indignantly. “There are all sorts of things I’d be doing differently if it was for me.”

“Don’t you think that you might want to be getting some input from the bride and groom _before_ going to all this effort.”

I blinked, confused. “These are just _ideas_ Kate. Some possibilities for you to choose from. It’s fine if you don’t like any of them. Just give me some pointers and I can come up with some more.”

“It’s not that, Tori. It’s just… I asked you to help out, I wasn’t expecting you to go ahead and plan the entire wedding.”

“Oh.” I had a horrible feeling I’d gotten a little carried away. “I’m sorry, Kate, I didn’t mean to… of course it’s _your_ wedding, you should get to decide what you want…”

“Hey, it’s okay, I’m not complaining; this stuff is amazing. What I meant was… you could have given us some rough sketches to pick from rather the spending the time doing this level of detail on _all_ of them.”

I relaxed. “Honestly, Kate, who do you think you’re talking to? ‘Rough sketches.’ The very idea!”

Kate smiled. “Of course, what was I thinking?”

“Seriously, you should have seen the planning that I put into those Vortex Club parties, and this is, like, a million times more important.” I saw Kate tearing up and cursed myself for the thoughtless comment. “I’m sorry…”

She shook her head. “These are happy tears. I am _so_ blessed to have you as my friend.” Then, she giggled, “I was just thinking: can you imagine old Victoria’s reaction if you’d told her that in a few years time she’d be planning my wedding?”

I winced. “I think I would have had an apoplexy; I truly despised you back then. Never have I been more wrong about a person – or more happy to be wrong.”

#### Sunday, March 4th 2018

This weekend, we went dress hunting. I’d dragged Dana and Ruth down, both as extra pairs of eyes, and so we could look at dresses for myself and Kate’s sisters as well. I’ve heard enough horror stories about brides who decided to make themselves look better by choosing hideous dresses for their bridesmaids, and I’m determined to avoid that fate. Whilst I’m sure that Kate would be horrified at the idea of doing that to us, I don’t just want to look good at the wedding, I want to look _good_.

We hit half a dozen bridal stores on Saturday, and I lost count of how many dresses we tried on. By the end of the day, though, we had a good idea of what we did – and didn’t – like, and I had a couple of SD cards filled with photos of every single dress one of us had worn, so we could review them at our leisure. We had originally planned to go out that evening, but we were all dead on our feet, so instead we picked up some wine, ordered some takeout, and headed back to the apartment.

It was a really fun evening; we started out by going through the pictures, noting down our favorite dresses and weeding out the definite noes. By the time we opened the third bottle, we were all too tipsy for that, so Ruth produced a copy of _Cards Against Humanity_ from her backpack. My eyes widened; I hadn’t played it, bat I knew enough about it to be pretty sure that there was no way Kate was going to. It seems I underestimated the persuasive powers of a younger sister, though. Whilst I can’t imagine Kate playing the game sober without wanting to die from embarrassment, after three glasses of wine she rather got into it – even if it was with a sort of horrified fascination.

It was well after midnight before we decided to head to bed. “C’mon, Ruth,” Kate said, heading for her room.

Ruth winked at me, before turning to her and saying, “actually, I was planning on sleeping with Tori tonight.”

“Huh?” Kate stared at us uncomprehendingly.

“Yeah, ever since that kiss at your birthday party, I just couldn’t get Ruth out of my mind,” I told her, playing along. Kate got this look on her face like her brain was short-circuiting. After managing to hold it together for a good few seconds, Ruth and I looked at each other, and burst into gales of laughter.

“Gawd, sis, you are _way_ too easy to tease,” Ruth told her, putting an arm around her and leading her away. “Lets go get some sleep.”

Dana sidled over to me. “Uh, what kiss? Not that I can blame you – other than the fact that she’s _Kate’s sister!_ ”

“Hey, _she_ kissed _me_! And honestly, it’s not what it sounds like…”

##### Saturday, April 14th 2018

For some reason, Kate decided that it was necessary for me to come along with her and Aaron when they were house-hunting. “You did such a good job of picking out our apartment,” she told me, and as I’m at least _mildly_ susceptible to flattery, I agreed to go with them. The reason, I discovered, was that their wedding gift from Aaron’s parents was a lump sum to be used as a deposit – so they were looking to buy rather than rent, making it a more serious decision. Aaron has an associate’s position at a local law firm lined up for after graduation, so I guess he’s a good prospect for a mortgage, even if it’ll be a while before he’s earning the big bucks.

I was a little surprised that all the properties on their list were two-bed houses that were close to the limit of their budget, rather than a more affordable one-bed place. “Surely you’re going to be sharing a bedroom once you’re married?” I teased Kate.

“Well, yes, of course!” She blushed a little, then added shyly, “we’re hoping that we’ll be needing the second bedroom as a nursery after a year or two.” Oh! I hadn’t realized they were planning on having kids so soon. Possibly due to some religious thing around contraception? I didn’t really know how to ask without sounding rude, so I just nodded and smiled.

It turned out that having me along had been a good plan. Kate, bless her, is so trusting; a little _too_ ready to believe the realtor’s sales pitch. Aaron didn’t have the heart to call her on it, and so the two of them would go around each place chattering excitedly about all the possibilities. I’m rather more cynical, and was happy to cut through the realtor’s euphemisms and exaggerations, and point out issues that my friends might want to take into consideration. It was also easier for me to be objective, since we weren’t looking at places where _I_ might be living.

They eventually settled on a place at the inner edge of the suburbs that they loved, and I couldn’t find anything seriously wrong with. There was a strip mall in easy walking distance, with a Starbucks and a few handy shops, and a bit of online research suggested the nearby elementary school was a good one. Aaron is planning to move there as soon as the sale goes through, but Kate will be staying in our apartment until after the wedding. I have a feeling I’m really going to miss her when that happens.

#### Wednesday, June 13th 2018

It’s strange to think that I’m never going to have to go to another class, or sit another exam. Well, not unless I decide to do a graduate degree at some point in the future. Kate, Aaron, and I all did even better than we’d hoped on our finals, so we partied _hard_ afterwards. Well, as hard as you can party when Kate is involved. For now, though, we’ve got the summer to enjoy, and in a couple of months, a wedding.

Aaron’s already started at the law firm, but Kate and I are taking things a little easier. Sure, she’s been spending a few hours a day working on her first book, I’ve been trying to solidify my future plans, and there have been wedding preparations to oversee, but we’ve been making sure to spend lots of time hanging out together. I think we both know that things are going to be very different between us after August, and we’re determined to make the most of the time that we have.

#### Saturday, August 25th 2018

It was Kate’s wedding today. I should be happy for her – I _am_ happy for her. Just… not for me. That’s why I grabbed the first opportunity to flee the party and hide up here in my hotel room. I’m going to try and write about it as best I can, to distract myself, if nothing else.

The day didn’t get off to the best of starts; for some reason, Kate’s snoring had been particularly bad the previous night, so I hadn’t slept terribly well. She, on the other hand, bounced out of bed so full of excitement that she was practically levitating. “I’m getting married today!” She didn’t even wait for a reply before vanishing, presumably to wake up her sisters. I took the opportunity to get to the shower first.

Getting ready was actually fun. I’d treated the four of us to mani-pedis and getting our hair done the previous day, and happily none of us had managed to do much damage to the styling in our sleep, so it didn’t take long to get that sorted. Lynn had put together a playlist of cheesy love songs, and the three sisters insisted on singing along – which made doing their make-up trickier than it needed to be, when I kept having to stop so one of them could belt out a chorus. Lynn did my face – which I was a little apprehensive about – but Kate and Ruth had assured me she was better with cosmetics than either of them; turns out they were right, she did a great job of it.

We were finally ready with about five minutes to spare before Judith and Richard were due to arrive. I checked myself out in the mirror, pleased to see that I looked pretty damn fine. Ruth and Lynn, in dresses which matched mine, looked equally good. Kate, on the other hand, in her wedding dress, was without question the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. As in, she literally took my breath away. I was grateful that she had her family to distract her while I gasped for air, and tried to figure out what was going on with me.

I was able to shake it off and pull myself back together before Kate noticed anything was amiss, although I had gotten an odd look from Ruth. It wasn’t long before our limo arrived to carry us in style for the short drive to the church. I mostly sat in silence, except when Kate tried (not for the first time) to get me to reveal some details about her honeymoon. Once we arrived, Judith headed straight in to take her seat while the rest of us lined up outside. I looked back at Kate. “Ready?”

She nodded. “Let’s go!”

Ruth and Lynn pushed the doors open. A moment later, the organist began playing _The Arrival of the Queen of Sheba_ , and we entered the church. That was when the unshakeable truth of what I’ve been in denial about for so long finally hit me: I didn’t want to be the person preceding Kate up the aisle; I wanted to be the one waiting for her at the altar. Somehow I managed to avoid stumbling, and to keep the smile on my face intact, as I frantically figured out what the hell to do. The answer, of course, was simple: nothing.

This was Kate’s big day, and I was damned if I was going to do anything to spoil it for her. This was real life, not some rom-com where the protagonist could interrupt her true love’s wedding and get a happy ending out of it. If she’d been marrying someone like Jacob, _possibly_ I might have considered it – for her sake – but Aaron is just too perfect for Kate that I could even think about getting in the way of their happiness. I may have briefly entertained the fantasy of Kate turning to Aaron and telling him “I’m sorry, I can’t marry you; I’m in love with Tori,” but reality quickly put paid to that.

Thankfully, it’s perfectly acceptable to cry at weddings, so if I was tearing up while Kate and Aaron were saying their vows, people could just put that down to me being overwhelmingly happy for my best friend – which was in fact true; it just wasn’t the only reason. It felt really weird to have these two conflicting sets of emotions inside me; joy and sorrow. What I needed was a chance to process all of that, but it was going to be hours before I’d be able to get any time alone, and this was one problem that there was no way I could talk through with my best friend.

I did my best to push my feelings down, and watching Kate and Aaron’s faces as the minister pronounced them Husband and Wife was just the impetus I needed. The smile _that_ brought to my face was one hundred percent genuine. I love Kate; that means I want her to be happy, and I know full well that I can’t make her happy the way Aaron does. That’s a simple fact of life; it’s nobody’s fault, and it’s not something that anyone can change. I know or, at least, I _hope_ that our friendship also brings her happiness. I just need to find a way for that to be enough for me. It’s going to take some time, but after tomorrow morning I have a few weeks while they’re on their honeymoon.

After the service, we went straight back to the hotel for the reception, which meant no peace for the wicked; as Maid of Honor, I had no shortage of people wanting to talk to me. Once we were sat at the top table, I was stuck between Aaron’s father, who for some reason has taken an instant dislike to me when we met at the rehearsal dinner, and Ruth, who kept shooting glances at me like she knew something was up. I forced myself to keep smiling and make polite conversation until it was time for the toasts.

Richard Marsh gave a speech that was short and heartfelt; it’s good to know that she has one parent who loves her unconditionally – unlike her mother, who had had plenty of things (none of them pleasant) to say about that fact that the couple were breaking from tradition by giving a response together, rather than Aaron doing it by himself. After their double-act, my nerves began to jangle; another break with tradition was having the Maid of Honor give a speech after the Best Man, something Kate had neglected to mention when she signed me up for this gig. Thankfully, Aaron’s brother was a natural comic and had all of us in stitches; I found it difficult to be nervous when my sides hurt from laughing. Plus, he gave me a great intro.

“Hi, so as James Corden over there said, I’m Victoria, the person who Kate chose to have as her best friend – a sure sign of her somewhat dubious taste. We first met in our senior year of high school, and I immediately despised Kate. She was just so _nice_ , and high school Victoria was most definitely not nice.” I was getting some laughs, and vigorous nodding from Dana and Max. “No, seriously, I was a bully; but, like in any good story, the bully got her comeuppance. Imagine my surprise, then, when the first person to start talking to me after that, wasn’t one of my erstwhile friends, but Kate, the person who’d suffered the most from my bullying. I didn’t find her niceness so laughable then.”

“It was only after we both ended up at Penn that we actually became friends, and since then I’ve discovered that Kate is the most caring, loyal, and surprisingly fun person you could ever hope to meet. I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that it’s largely thanks to Kate that I am the person I am today.” I saluted her with my glass, and when she smiled back at me I could see the tears glistening in her eyes. “Over the past two and a half years, it’s been my privilege to watch this couple meet, and fall in love. I might have been a little skeptical at first, given that I had to physically throw Kate’s ex out of our apartment.” A laugh. “True story.” A bigger laugh. “But, it turns out that Aaron is just as awesome a person as Kate is, so I couldn’t be happier for two of my favorite people.”

“To Kate and Aaron, I look forward to watching you growing old and grey together, and I hope that life brings you all the happiness you so richly deserve.” After the cheers and applause died down, I couldn’t resist adding, “oh, and Kate?” She looked up at me. “Don’t forget to cancel your abstinence club membership tonight.” That got laughter and whooping as Kate went bright red, while Judith glared daggers at me. I smirked; annoying the woman who’d done so much to hurt my friend was a nice bonus.

After the reception was over, I stayed around to supervise setting up for the evening party. Honestly I was glad of the distraction, even if there wasn’t really much for me to do. So far – other than my rampant emotions – everything had gone perfectly. Well, until the party got going, and it quickly became clear that I appeared to have hired the DJ from Keira Knightley’s wedding in _Love Actually_. I was discussing his many failings with Dana and Max, when Kate came to join us, clutching a bottle of wine.

It turned out that she was stressed out over her wedding night – understandable, but not something I wanted to be reminded about. I tried to let the other two handle it, but Kate soon turned to me with the assumption that I’d have some tips for her, given that I’d ‘dated a bunch of guys’. That was the point when I finally lost it, lashing out at Kate in a way that I’m deeply ashamed about. Unfortunately, with me already on edge, the conversation played directly into my own insecurities about being a twenty-three year old virgin. The irony is, on any other day, Kate would have been the one person I might have been comfortable opening up to about that.

At least I had the good sense to stop myself from storming out of the ballroom, and apologized to her. Not unsurprisingly, she brushed it off, and seemed more concerned about me. I promised her I was okay, but took full advantage of the excuse to call it a night and come back up here.

So, yeah, that was today.

##### Later

I’d just finished writing that last journal entry, when there was a knock at the door. I still wasn’t in the mood for company, but I went to see who it was, just in case Kate had decided to check up on me before heading to bed. I peered through the spy-hole and saw a different Marsh sister. When I opened the door, Ruth was leaning with one hand against the doorframe, and a bottle of wine in the other. She looked fucking gorgeous – in no small part thanks to the bridesmaid’s dress I’d guided Kate into selecting. “If you’ve come to seduce me, I’m afraid you picked the worst possible day for it,” I warned her.

“Tempting,” she said, her eyes involuntarily sliding downwards before snapping back to my face. “ _Very_ tempting, but my girlfriend would probably kill me.”

Belatedly I remembered that I’d stripped off my own dress when I got back to my room, and was standing there in nothing but my panties. Clearly I hadn’t sobered up as much as I thought. “Come in,” I said, blushing and hurrying to grab a robe from the bathroom. By the time I got back, Ruth had already poured the wine into a couple of tumblers; I accepted one and took a gulp.

“Sorry for barging in like this. It was partly to check up on you, but mostly ’cause I needed another glass or few, and you seemed like my best bet for a drinking buddy.”

“You know what? I think I could actually use some company.” It might take my mind off the fact that Kate was going to bed with someone else right now. “What’s driving _you_ to drink, though?”

“The fact that I’m here alone,” Ruth said bitterly.

“Surely Kate invited…”

“Of course, in fact she begged me to bring Debbie, but… I’m not out to the rest of my family, and even if I was, I can’t trust that our mother wouldn’t have made a huge scene about me being here with my girlfriend. There was no way I was going to let her ruin my sister’s wedding. Debbie understood, but it still really fucking sucks. I really wanted to be able to dance with her tonight.”

I reached out to rest a hand on her arm. “I’m sorry, Ruth, that’s awful. Why do people have to be so intolerant?”

Ruth gave me a helpless shrug. “Enough about me; how’re you doing?”

“I’m fine.” It didn’t sound very convincing, even to me.

“No, you’re not, not today,” she said. Her next words hit me like a ton of bricks. “I know you have feelings for Kate.” For a moment, I sat there like a deer in the headlights, then everything came rushing back and I burst into tears. Dimly, I was aware of Ruth coming over and putting an arm around me. “You really do love her, don’t you?”

I nodded; there seemed little point denying it. “How long…?”

“That very first Skype call, when Kate left us alone, I… suspected. And then, when Lynn and I came down to spend the summer, I actually wondered if there was something going on between the two of you – right up until Kate introduced us to Aaron. After that, well, every time I saw you I got more and more convinced.”

“Wow, that’s impressive – I only finally admitted it to myself this morning.”

Ruth’e eyes widened. She refilled my glass and pressed it into my hands. “Here, I think you need this more than me.”

I poured half of it down my throat before asking, “does she know?”

“Who? Kate? No; at least, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t. I haven’t seen anything to suggest it; and besides, I think she would have told me. Since I came out to her, we don’t have any secrets between us.”

“Well, that’s something, I suppose.”

“Look, I’m sorry that you’re stuck in this position, but I _am_ glad that my sister has someone who cares so much looking out for her. I do hope that someday you find someone who can love you back.”

“Thanks, Ruth.” I forced a smile. “And hey, if it doesn’t work out with Debbie, you have my number.”

She laughed. “I’ll remember that. You going to be okay?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Good, I need to head to bed.” She kissed my forehead as she got up, then gestured at the wine. “I’ll leave this with you, but you might want to think about getting some sleep too.”

“I will,” I promised. “’Night Ruth.”

“Goodnight.” She slipped out of the room. I eyed the bottle and decided that maybe I’d had enough. I wasn’t ready to sleep yet, so I decided to write some more and see if it helped with that. I’ve been fighting off yawns the last few paragraphs, so it seems like it has.

#### Sunday, August 26th 2018

Today didn’t get off to a great start. I’d forgotten to set an alarm, so I was rushing to get out of my room in time for check-out. Thankfully, the hotel breakfast ran late on the weekend, so I could still go and serve myself a plateful of carbs. Looking for someone to eat with, I spotted Dana sitting in a corner and started towards her. When I got closer, though, I saw something in her posture that said ‘leave me the fuck alone.’ I stopped short, and took a seat at one of the few remaining empty tables. A few minutes later, Max came in; she took one look at Dana, and headed for the opposite corner of the room. Her bearing was less ‘leave me alone,’ and more ‘I want to kill something.’

I spent the next few minutes wondering what the hell had happened, and desperately hoping that the two of them would be able to pull it together for Kate and Aaron’s send-off. I was dragged out of my musings by the arrival of the happy couple, hand-in-hand and with enormous matching smiles. As they came over to the table I’d claimed, I looked more closely – was Kate walking funny? She sat down opposite me, and Aaron gave her a kiss before heading off to get some food for them both.

“So, how was it?” I asked in a teasing voice. “Perfect from the very first time?”

“Meh,” said Kate, “the first time wasn’t that great. The second was better, though – and by the fifth, I really felt like we were getting the hang of it…”

“Oh my god, too much information!” I said, facepalming.

“You asked,” Kate said primly, then her face shifted. “Look, if this is about what you told us last night…”

I shook my head. “It’s fine, I’m happy for you, truly.” Deciding that a quick subject-change was in order, I asked, “d’you know what’s going on with Dana and Max?” I nodded at their separate tables.

Kate looked at each of them. “No; when we left… let’s just say that if I was a gambling woman, I’d have put a large wager on them spending the night together.” She shook her head. “I have no idea what happened.”

“Well, don’t worry too much about it, your honeymoon starts in just under an hour.”

“Does that mean you’re finally telling us where we’re going?” Aaron asked as he returned with two heavily laden plates. I raised an eyebrow at the amount of food he’d brought. “What?” he asked with a smirk. “We both burned a lot of calories last night.”

“Okay, okay. You’re booked into a beautiful log cabin a few hours’ drive north of Anchorage. Nothing to do for three weeks but cling desperately to each other for shared bodily warmth.”

Kate’s eyes narrowed. “Fine, tell us when you’re ready.” I waited until they were done eating before I pulled out the tickets and itinerary, then sat back to watch their reactions. I wasn’t disappointed. A week cruising along the Nile, taking in the historical sites, then flying down to Kenya for a week on safari, and finally a week at a secluded beach resort in the Seychelles. First-class flights, five star accommodations, and chauffeur-driven transfers all the way, naturally. It had cost me a small fortune, but the looks on their faces made it worth every penny. Kate, bless her, had the decency not to comment on the price, but instead pulled me into a big hug. “Thank-you so much, this is incredible!”

“I look forward to the two-hour slideshow when you get back,” I told her. “Speaking of which, it’s time to go.” Kate and Aaron’s families joined us out front of the hotel as their limo arrived. Dana and Max contrived to be at opposite ends of the crowd lined up to wish them well. Before I knew it, the newlyweds were waving their final farewells and driving away. I looked around just in time to see Dana hurry to grab her suitcase, and bundle it into a waiting cab.

Max came slowly over to me. “Okay, what the hell is going on?” I asked her.

“I need a little time – and a lot of alcohol – before I’m ready to answer that,” she told me. “Look, can I ask you a huge favor? I’m not flying back to Seattle until next weekend. I was hoping to spend the week in New York, but… that’s _so_ not happening now. Is there any chance I can crash at your place for a few days?”

“Of course,” I told her, “what are friends for, right?”

Max seemed pleasantly surprised by my immediate response, but it’s not like the two of us have ever been close. She was eying the couch the moment we came into the apartment, muttering about needing more sleep. I took her through to Kate’s room – or, what used to be Kate’s room until yesterday – and we changed the sheets. That done, she pulled off her jeans and crawled under the covers without even waiting for me to leave. I retreated to my own bed, the thought _what used to be Kate’s room_ running through my head on repeat.

The woman I love has left.

##### Later

I was fixing myself a sandwich for a late lunch when Max finally emerged. Her eyes looked even puffier and redder than mine felt. She started to tease me about not being perfectly made up, but kinda trailed off when she got closer; I guess she could see that I had the tear tracks to match her own. I asked if she wanted a sandwich too, and Max just nodded. When I pulled a bottle of white out of the fridge, she eagerly accepted a glass. The sandwiches were gone and we were on our second glasses of wine before she finally broke the silence.

“I slept with Dana last night.” I didn’t say anything; that wasn’t much of a surprise. “Then, this morning, I forgot my purse; but when I went back to get it, I heard her on the phone with her boyfriend.” 

“Who? Ferdi? I though they broke up a while back.”

“That’s what she said, but the conversation I overheard told a whole different story.”

“Max, are you sure you didn’t… misinterpret something?”

“I don’t think so, and… after what happened with Penny, I’m not prepared to take that kind of risk.” I nodded sadly. “It’s just… I was _so happy_. We were talking about getting properly back together, planning a future, and then it all came crashing down around me. I think that’s what hurts the most; having those dreams ripped away from me.”

“What are you going to do now?”

Max shrugged. “Head back to Seattle. Try to get over Dana, again. What else is there?” I didn’t have an answer for that. “So, what’s with you?” she asked, blatantly changing the subject.

I was tempted to tell her the truth, really I was. I figure that it would have gone something like this:

> “Oh, you know, not much. Just dealing with the fact that the woman I’m in love with got married yesterday.”
> 
> “Wait… what?” Max looked stunned. “You… and Kate?”
> 
> I shook my head. “No, just me.”
> 
> “Does she know?”
> 
> “I hope not. Ruth doesn’t think so.”
> 
> “You told her _sister?_ ”
> 
> “I didn’t need to; she figured it out years ago, which is more than I did.”
> 
> “Wow. That must really suck for you; I’m sorry.” She hesitated. “Knowing that does make me feel a little better, though.”
> 
> I couldn’t help smiling a little. “That’ll be the schadenfreude, making you feel glad that you’re not me.” I poured the last of the wine. “I think we’re going to need another one of these, though.”

It might be good to have another person I could talk to about this, but right now it’s too new and raw. Also, the more people who know, the greater the chance that someone actually lets it slip to Kate, and I’m absolutely terrified about what the consequences of that might be – the thought that I might lose her friendship is simply unbearable. So, instead, I pretended that I was just sad about Kate moving out and leaving me here all alone. That, too, demanded more wine.

#### Sunday, September 2nd 2018

So, having Max to stay with me for a week was… actually pretty nice. I think spending an evening getting drunk and sobbing at each other was what we needed to finally get past the last remnants of our mutual dislike. We did, after all, have at least a few things in common; first and foremost, our love of photography. That’s why I decided to confide in her about my plan, my answer to the Chase Space. Not just a gallery, but some studio spaces, and an equipment store too. I wanted to run classes as well, help fire people’s interest and turn them into budding photographers.

Okay, so maybe that last part wasn’t in my original plan. Maybe Kate made a few suggestions that I took on board because it made her happy and excited. It doesn’t make them bad ideas; in fact, diversifying my business is a prudent move. I’m going to be cashing in a good chunk of my trust fund to start this venture; if it flops, I’ll be in serious danger of having to get a real job – or go begging to my parents, which is even _less_ appealing. Max seemed impressed by it as well, and was happy to help out. That involved providing a second opinion while my realtor showed us round a bunch of properties that might suit my needs.

Having her along actually turned out really well. When we were looking at a place on Wednesday evening, Max was the one who pointed out that a space I dismissed as being useless would actually get great natural light throughout most of the day, which would complement the two largely windowless rooms I’d pegged as studio space. The ground floor had two areas; one that would be a great gallery space, and a second which, while smaller than I’d have liked for the store, was tall enough that it should be possible to put in a mezzanine floor.

Last night, I finally worked up the nerve to ask Max what happened to her during that hellish week at Blackwell. I’ve pieced enough together over the past few years to figure out that there was more going on that just Chloe’s death, but I’ve never had the courage to ask what. A bottle of wine between he two of us had helped with that. She just looked at me for a long time. “I could tell you, but I’m not sure you’ll believe me. The story sounds… more than a little far-fetched.”

“Try me,” I suggested. “You’d be surprised what I’ll believe.” I wasn’t lying, either. I may have mostly repressed it, but I saw some seriously weird shit the summer my parents shipped me off to LA to stay with Dad’s cousin Cordelia.

“Okay,” she said. “So, the first time I saw Chloe get shot, I discovered that I could rewind time…” Once I accepted the premise of time travel, her story actually made a lot of sense, and even filled in a few blanks – like just how quickly the cops were onto Jefferson, the Dark Room, and finding Rachel. There was one part of her story I didn’t want to believe, though; in fact, I completely lost it when she described Kate jumping off the roof of the Prescott Dormitory. All the guilt that, thanks to Kate’s friendship, I’ve mostly got under control, came flooding back and I ended up sobbing into Max’s shirt.

“I guess we’re even now,” she joked, as she looked down at the wet patch I’d left.

“That’s right! I completely forgot to send you the dry-cleaning bill for the shirt I was wearing when I came to harangue you about Penny.”

“I never did thank-you for that,” she said softly. “I mean, I suspect that Kate sweet-talked you into it, but flying across the country just to tell me I was being an idiot… was such a Victoria Chase thing to do. Also a pretty damn good show of friendship.”

“Yes, well…” I muttered, embarrassed. “We can’t _all_ stay exactly the same person we were in high school.”

“Is that supposed to be a compliment, or an insult?”

“You know, I’m not actually sure…”

#### Thursday, October 25th 2018

The last few weeks have been interesting. After taking the weekend to think about it, I’d decided on the property I described in my last entry. When I went back to the realtor, she told me that the owners had since decided to put the entire building – including a couple of floors of apartments above the commercial space – up for sale. Annoyed at having my plans thwarted, I idly asked what the asking price was. The figure she named was almost exactly the value of my trust fund. I _could_ do it…

A few days later, I was signing the first of the paperwork. I hoped I was doing the right thing – property is always a good investment, right? Five of the six apartments have sitting tenants, so that was some guaranteed income, and the sixth… that one’s going to save me paying rent on a place of my own. Sure it’s going to be a wrench leaving my home of the past three years, but it just feels… wrong without Kate here. Everything here reminds me of her absence. It hurts so fucking much that she’s gone.

Even though it’s only a few minutes’ drive to Kate and Aaron’s place (and even less from the new place – not a factor in my decision _at all_ ), I’ve only seen her a couple of times since they got back from their honeymoon. The first was when they came over to pick up the last of Kate’s things. The second was a few days ago when they invited me over for dinner and the promised slideshow. It looked like they had an awesome time, and their thanks were so profuse I actually got embarrassed. I joked that I should have bought a third ticket for myself, and then enjoyed watching them squirm, trying to find a polite way to say they were really glad I hadn’t.

I want to see more of Kate, but I’m not quite sure how; I’m used to simply having to wait for her to get home from class or whatever. I don’t think I’d be comfortable with just going over to her place unannounced; I have a feeling I’d have a talent for showing up at inopportune moments – they are newlyweds, after all. Making an appointment to see my best friend just seems weird, but I guess that’s what I need to do. Well, tomorrow is moving day, so that’s as good a time as any for a fresh start.

#### Friday, October 26th 2018

Apparently Kate has no such compunction about showing up without an invitation. She came round yesterday evening, brandishing a bottle of wine and insisting that we were having a sleepover to mark my last night in our old apartment. That was absolutely fine by me, even if we ended up drinking out of coffee mugs because all my wine glasses were packed away. It was just like old times, and brought home just how much I missed Kate – how much we missed each other. We made a solemn (if slightly drunken) pact to make sure we spent some time together at least once a week, no matter what.

When it came time for bed, I realized that the linens for the bed in Kate’s old room, as well as the sofa bed, were all packed away somewhere. Kate simply shrugged that off; “it’ll hardly be the first time we’ve shared your bed,” she pointed out.

“Yes, but you’re a married woman now! Don’t you know the meaning of propriety?” Kate simply rolled her eyes and led the way. When I grumbled about anything I might use as nightwear being in the bottom of a bag somewhere, she smirked, pulled a second nightshirt out of her bag, and tossed it to me, before going into the bathroom to change.

When she came back, rather than keeping to the other side of the bed, she came right over to snuggle into me. “I’m used to cuddling up in bed these days,” she said by way of explanation.

“I hope you’re not expecting me to perform the husbandly duty in Aaron’s stead,” I teased her.

“No, I think I can survive without sex for _one_ night.” Not the response I was expecting; I had a brief flash of jealousy, before settling on being happy for her. After a while, she turned and spooned into me. For a moment, I felt a little bit uncomfortable about the situation given that Kate (hopefully) has no idea how I feel about her. Then I remembered Ruth telling me something about that being the best way to stop Kate snoring, and I decided that made a perfectly good excuse.

When we woke up this morning, both a little hung over, I realized that Kate had, in fact, not snored at all. Apparently I should have tried that ‘one weird trick’ years ago! It quickly became clear that Kate was planning on sticking around to help out with the move, despite my assertion that I didn’t need any assistance. After we were both dressed, she helped me strip the bed and pack up the last few things. Half an hour or so later, the movers I’d hired arrived, and emptied the apartment of furniture and boxes with almost frightening efficiency.

As the two of us left, Kate lingered, resting her hand on the door. “I miss this place.”

“I’m sure I will too, but it hasn’t been the same since you left. I think it’s time for me to make a fresh start.” I pulled the door shut, and locked it for the last time.

“I miss _you_ as well,” Kate added, wrapping an arm around me.

“Well, unlike the apartment, you can see _me_ whenever you want.”

The moving team did their work at the other end just as quickly, and I made sure that the wedge of cash I handed over was padded well beyond what we’d agreed on. I let Kate help me to unpack the essentials, then claimed that I needed a break. I took her out for a late lunch, and then showed her around the rest of the building, talking animatedly about my plans.

The real work starts on Monday – I’m looking forward to it.

#### Friday, November 23rd 2018

Kate and Aaron invited me over for Thanksgiving, saving me from spending it alone. Kate said she’d invited Dana, but she’d politely declined; that was disappointing, because I’m starting to get _really_ worried about her. I’ve barely had any contact with her since the wedding, and she flat-out refused to talk about what happened. Kate hasn’t had any luck getting her to open up either, so we don’t even know if she’s heard about Max having met someone. We’ve been in touch with Jess and Ferdi, and they’ve both assured us that they’re keeping an eye on her; that’s about the only thing stopping me from going up there to stage an intervention in person.

Anyway, like last year, Kate and I banished Aaron from the kitchen; it was our fourth time preparing Thanksgiving dinner together, and I think we’ve gotten pretty fucking good at it. Spending time with Kate is always the highlight of my week, and I’ve found that I enjoy spending time with the two of them together. Sure, there’s still an undertone of jealousy to my emotions when Aaron’s around, but as time goes by I’m finding it easier and easier to push that aside. I see how happy he makes her; how happy they make each other.

At the end of the day, all I truly want is for Kate to be happy, and to be a part of her life in some way. I have both of those things in abundance, so there’s no point torturing myself by wishing for something I _can’t_ have. I may not _quite_ be there yet, but I’ve come a lot further than I expected.

#### Wednesday, December 26th 2018

Christmas was unexpectedly good. It was unexpected because I was working – and not because I had to, but because I chose to. You get to do that when you’re the boss. And, yes, I only just realized that I didn’t write about the opening of my business – which happened a couple of weeks before Christmas; not the best time, but that was when everything was ready. The first exhibition in the gallery space celebrates the Penn class of ’18, featuring photographs by several of my classmates – along with some of my own, of course. We made a lot more sales than I was expecting, the kind of numbers I wouldn’t be ashamed to show my parents, in the unlikely event that I cared about their opinion of me any more.

The store did brisk business too, but I’ve no idea how busy it’s going to stay now we’re out of the Christmas shopping season; although last week was busy too – I’m guessing we benefited from increased foot traffic to the sales even if we weren’t having one ourselves. But, yeah, the synergy between the three sides of the business seems to be working out even better than I hoped. Someone in the gallery wants to know if they can take a picture like that? I can lead them next door and sell them the exact gear that was used to take the picture they’re admiring; and then rent them a studio space with the professional lighting setup they need. Not sure if you can justify that expensive camera? Have a look in the gallery and see the results you could get. Forgot something for your shoot in the studio? I might have it in stock to save you wasting time on a trip home.

So, anyway, I was working on Christmas because… honestly, I had nothing else to do, and it was better than sitting at home alone. Kate and Aaron were spending the holiday with his parents, and there was no way I wanted to spend it with _my_ parents. So, I canvassed the staff to see if anyone else was interested; I certainly wasn’t going to _make_ someone do it. Qadira was happy to volunteer – it meant not being forced to take off a Christian holiday that had no real meaning to her. It was pretty quiet, but not as quiet as I’d expected; we got people wandering into the gallery to take a break from walking off an overabundance of food. We got some trade in the store too, earlier in the day people desperately needing a replacement for something that was broken, so they could take their holiday pictures; later on, folks wanting accessories for their shiny new Christmas presents – or to spend money they’d got as a gift.

After we’d locked up, I asked Qadira if she wanted to come up for a drink so we could get to know each other – I’d bought some nice non-alcoholic stuff, just in case. After a brief hesitation, she agreed, and we headed up to my apartment. There was some initial awkwardness, but it didn’t last long, and soon we were getting on well. To start with we were mostly talking business – I remembered from her interview that while Qadira was interested in photography her real passion was the retail business; which nicely complement me, when I thought about it. She was eager to get some experience before starting to look for a management role, and my little enterprise had been the perfect fit for her.

That got me thinking; whilst I planned to keep a tight handle on things the first few months, I was going to want a deputy manager sooner or later – and I rather liked the idea of promoting from within. I didn’t come right out with that, but I did float the idea of her opening or closing some days, to give me some more free time, and she jumped at the opportunity. We ended up talking for rather longer than I’d planned for, so when we got hungry I realized that I wasn’t sure if I had any food in that was Halal (or, indeed, what is or isn’t Halal). Qadira solved that by suggesting we order delivery from a Turkish place she knew, promising that it would be delicious. Always up for trying something new, I happily agreed.

Over dinner – which was as good as promised – our conversation finally turned to more personal matters. “So, are you seeing someone at the moment?” Qadira asked me.

“No,” I told her. “I’ve sworn off men – and women – for the time being. I’ve never had much luck with dating, and with a business to run, I don’t really have time at the moment.”

“Ah, I was trying to decide if you had an ulterior motive for inviting me up here.” That gave me pause, and I took a good look at Qadira; how had I managed to miss that she was a very attractive young woman? Then again, I can’t remember the last time I noticed _anyone_ that way. Anyone except Kate.

I put on a slightly flirtatious tone. “Under other circumstances, perhaps I might have…”

Qadira laughed. “Well, if you change your mind, I must warn you that my parents will absolutely insist on you converting to Islam.”

“I think that as an avowed atheist, that might be a deal-breaker for me,” I told her solemnly. “But… your parents would be okay with you dating a woman?”

“Oh, most certainly not; but as it’s mainly men that I find attractive, I think that’s something I can come to terms with. Not that I’m in any hurry, I rather suspect that once I do tell them I’ve met someone, they will start asking when we’re getting married, so that he can support me and I can give up my job…” I was about to make some sort of sympathetic response, but she waved it away. “Now, tell me the _real_ reason you’re not dating.”

I looked at her in surprise; then, for some unknown reason, I told her the truth. “I fell in love with someone, but she’s straight; and now she’s married.”

“I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how hard that must be.”

I shrugged. “It is what it is. It gets a little easier every day and, like I said, dating never really worked out for me before that, anyway.”

We were both quiet for a while after that, while we finished the last of the baklava – at which point Qadira realized what the time was. “Look, I need to head home now, or I won’t hear the last of it from my parents, but I wanted to thank-you for inviting me up; I had a pretty great evening. It’s always good to make new friends.”

I smiled broadly. “Yes, it is; I’m glad you accepted my invitation.”

A new friend might be exactly what I needed.

#### Tuesday, January 1st 2019

New Year’s resolutions:

  1. Find some awesome new photographers and give them the exposure they deserve.
  2. Spend more time in – and out of – the studio myself.
  3. Try and spend more time not just with Kate, but other friends too.



#### Saturday, February 9th 2019

Kate came round to see me this morning; an unexpected but welcome surprise. There was something different about her, she was positively glowing with happiness. I made some tea while we caught up on our weeks, and I waited for her to tell me what she was so excited about – maybe some Valentines’ Day plans she had with Aaron?

“So,” she said at last, “I have some big news.”

“What is it, Kate?” I asked, after her pause made it clear that I was expected to participate in the conversation.

“You’re going to be a Godmother!” she practically squealed.

I stood there, dumbfounded for a moment. “You’re pregnant?” She nodded, and before I’d even thought about it, I swept her up in a bear hug. “Congratulations! I’m so happy for you!” It was a few minutes before we calmed down enough for me to question how she’d told me. She wanted me as a Godmother to her kid? Given her religious upbringing, I assumed that was a role that would be expected to be taken seriously. I’d make a better devil-mother, and I’m pretty sure that’s not a real thing.

Kate laughed, and explained that Ruth would be putting the God in Godmother (I may be paraphrasing), and Aaron’s brother Tomás would be The Godfather. My job, apparently, is to be the cool aunt who lives close enough to spend time with the kid, does fun stuff with them, and buys them unnecessary gifts. _That_ , I can do; plus, it gives me an excellent excuse to spend more time with Kate – and that’s something I’m never going to say ‘no’ to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended reading order: [Chapter Eleven](/works/12393543/chapters/35648316) of _Piece by Piece_.


	7. Victoria Chase: The Apostate Years

#### Thursday, March 23rd 2019

This evening, I was having dinner in my office with Qadira; since the New Year, we’ve gotten into the habit of doing it once a week or so. As it’s nominally a working meal, I always buy, but I leave it to her to pick where we’re ordering from. Partly that’s to ensure I don’t commit a faux-pas by choosing somewhere that doesn’t have anything Halal on the menu, but mostly it’s because she has great taste in food. Today, it was Iranian, and we were eating kababs with rice and flat-bread and drinking something made with mint and yoghurt.

“So, I was thinking that it’s time we promoted a couple more of the staff,” I began. Business has been booming, and we’ve taken on several more people since Christmas, but currently Qadira is the only other key-holder and supervisor, meaning that the only time I can be away during opening hours is while she’s on shift. “Much as I love this place, sooner or later I’m going to want to take a vacation, and it wouldn’t be fair to ask you to hold down the fort on your own.” She lives on the other side of town, whereas my commute is three floors on the elevator.

“I guess so,” she said, but from her expression I can tell she’s not thrilled by the idea of no longer being the only person I’ve promoted.

“Of course, as my new assistant manager, I’d love to have your input into who we should pick.”

“Wait… what?” I grin, and pull the contract out of my desk. There’s a substantial pay bump to go with the new responsibilities I’ll be pushing over to her. “This is… very generous.”

“You deserve it – and you’re going to earn it,” I told her, “by taking some of the boring admin work off my hands.”

Qadira laughed. “See, I don’t mind doing admin work – provided I’m getting paid for it.”

“Good, because this is just phase one of me stepping back from micromanaging everything. I’d rather focus on the creative side of things – finding new talent to put on shows in our gallery, and making a start on those classes we talked about a couple of weeks back. I also want to spend more time behind the camera as well. And… given how well this place is doing, I’m thinking about expanding to other cities – probably not for while, though. What I’m trying to say is, keep doing great work, and this won’t be the last promotion I offer you.”

“So, what? I’ll be running the place in a couple of years?”

“That’s the general idea, yes.”

She grinned. “Cool!”

“So, does that mean you’re taking the job?”

“I sure am, boss.”

“Glad to have you on board, deputy boss.”

This is good. I don’t need to be in complete control of everything, all the time. Having someone I trust to share the work with is important. And, yes, it might be nice to have that vacation… someday. Plus, in a few months’ time, I’m going to have a godchild to spend time with. I admit that I’m strangely excited about that, despite never having been a huge fan of kids before.

#### Sunday, May 12th 2019

I’ve just had what I’m pretty sure was one of the weirdest conversations of my life. I was over at Kate and Aaron’s for dinner, but she headed to bed soon after we ate – the pregnancy is really kicking her butt now that she’s into the third trimester. She’s still incredibly glowy and happy and gorgeous, though. Aaron asked if I wanted to hang around for a drink after he’d put Kate to bed, and I said “sure.” It’s not like I had anything else to do. It was a balmy evening, so we took our glasses of wine and sat out on the porch. We were quiet at first; I could tell that Aaron was working up to something, and I was happy to let him take his time getting there.

“So,” he said at last, “how long have you been in love with Kate?”

I froze, and by the time I thought to deny what he’d said, my hesitation meant it was already too late. I took another sip of the wine to steady my nerves. “Honestly? I’m not really sure when it started.”

He nodded slowly. “Okay, how about when you figured it out?”

“That’s easy,” I told him ruefully. “It was when I was leading Kate up the aisle.”

Aaron actually winced. “I’m sorry. That must have been difficult. I had no idea; thank-you for not…” he trailed off.

“For not waiting until the man said ‘speak now, or forever hold your peace’ and then piping up with ‘actually, I’m in love with the bride’?” I shrugged. “What would have been the point? All I would have achieved would be ruining your wedding, and destroying my friendship with Kate. Even if I’d figured out how I felt three years earlier, nothing was ever going to come of it.”

“But if I hadn’t come along…”

“…then Kate would have married some other guy, who would almost certainly have been way less awesome than you are, and wouldn’t have made such an effort to ensure that I’ve stayed a big part of Kate’s life. That’s as much as I could ever have hoped for.” I looked at him seriously. “You make the woman I love incredibly happy in ways that I would never be able to; you have _nothing_ to apologize to me for. But… now you know, so if you want me to back off, I will, I don’t want to get in the way of…”

“No; I don’t want to deprive Kate of her closest friend – and I might even miss you myself,” he finished with a grin.

“Thanks, that… it means a lot to me. And I swear, you have nothing to worry about.”

“I know. Just… promise me one thing.”

“Sure.”

“Promise me that if anything should ever happen to me, you’ll take care of Kate, and our family.”

“Of course.” I looked at him suspiciously. “You’re not about to tell me you have cancer, are you?”

“What? No!”

“Then, why…?”

Aaron shrugged. “Just something a fortune teller told me at a fair I went to a few years back. It kinda freaked me out at the time, and still bugs me occasionally when I remember it.”

I raised an eyebrow, but he didn’t elaborate. “Weird. I thought they only gave upbeat fortunes, because that’s what’s good for business.”

“No idea.” Aaron gestured at my empty glass. “You want a top-up?”

“No thanks, I need to drive home, so one small glass is my limit.” I pulled out my phone and checked the time. “And I should probably get going now.” I got up, rolling my shoulders; I hadn’t realized how tense I’d been.

Aaron got up as well. “You’re always welcome to use the spare room – well, for the next month or so, at least.”

“Thanks, but not tonight, Aaron.” I needed some space.

“Fair enough. I’m glad we had this talk, though. Thanks for being honest with me.”

“Me too,” I said, surprised to find that it was the truth, “and thanks for understanding. I think Kate’s as lucky to have you as you are to have her.” I gave him a brief kiss on the cheek. “Now go to bed and give that wife of your some serious cuddles from me.”

#### Tuesday, June 11th 2019

Kate dragged me along to one of her antenatal classes this afternoon, because Aaron couldn’t get away from the office. As luck would have it, today was the day the class schedule was right out of the book of movie and TV clichés, and had me holding Kate while she sat in front of me, doing her breathing exercises. Naturally, I was all in favor of _that_. She also persuaded me (not difficult, I admit) to accompany her to any of her future classes that Aaron was unable to make it to, and to be her backup birth partner in case something prevented Aaron from being there. It warms me very time she puts that kind of trust in me, but I hope for her sake it doesn’t come to that.

#### Monday, July 22nd 2019

It was about three this morning when Kate came stumbling into the lounge, waking me at once. With their spare room now converted to a nursery, I was reduced to sleeping on the couch. I looked up at my friend. “Contractions,” she said, tersely.

“Fuck.” I forced myself to my feet. “Your kid has terrible timing.” It was ten days before Kate’s due date, and Aaron was unexpectedly out of town for the funeral of one of his uncles. “You want to head straight to the hospital, or…?” Kate nodded vigorously. Of course she’d waited to wake me, despite the fact that this was _literally why I was there_. I decided it was _not_ the time to point that out, though.

Quickly, I stripped off my nightshirt and pulled on the clothes I’d set out. I helped Kate into her shoes, then led her out to my car. I’d rehearsed the route, so I knew exactly where I was going, the best place to park, and how to get to the maternity wing. Kate was settled into a bed in no time at all. Then, the waiting began. She was fiddling with her phone, sending messages, then trying to make a call. “No reply from Aaron?” I asked, concerned.

“No,” she said curtly. Then, her voice softened. “He was supposed to be here for this; I need him…”

“I’m sorry, Kate. I know I’m a poor substitute, but I’m here for you, whatever you need. I’m not going anywhere. Let me help you.” I’d ended up going to about half of her ante-natal classes when they clashed with Aaron’s work schedule.

“Thanks, Tori, I really appreciate it. And… I apologize in advance. You’re not the person who earned the crushed hand that just might be coming your way.” That drew a laugh from me.

A couple of hours later, I wasn’t laughing. In fact, if it weren’t for the fact that Kate was literally _in labor_ , I’d be giving serious credence to the theory that she was actually a Summer Glau-esque terminator. Still, the look on her face as she breathed heavily after the latest contraction told me that the pain from my hand was nothing compared to what she was going through. I used a cloth to wipe the sweat from her forehead, and she favored me with the smallest hint of a smile.

A few minutes later, Kate’s phone rang, and I saw Aaron’s picture pop up. “Would you…” was all Kate managed before another contraction hit her.

I hit accept on the phone. “I’m sorry, your wife can’t come to the phone right now because, as you may be able to hear, she’s busy giving birth to your child.”

“Oh, shit.”

“Yeah. You might want to get your ass back here _right now_.”

“I’m on my way. I don’t suppose you could ask Kate to slow things down a little?”

“No, because unlike you, I have a shred of self-preservation.”

“Gotcha. I’ll be there as soon as I can. Tell Kate I love her, and… take good care of her.” He hung up before I could reply.

The next few hours went by in a blur of adrenaline-fueled waiting. I was almost caught unawares by the sudden flurry of activity and the extortions to Kate to _push_. Before I knew it, a cry rent the air, and I could see the obstetrician holding a baby girl. I couldn’t take my eyes off her as the doctor cut her cord, then she was cleaned off, wrapped in a blanket, and placed in the waiting arms of her mother. The pain was gone from Kate’s face, replaced by a beautifully serene expression as she looked down at her daughter.

“Whats’s her name?” I asked after congratulating her.

“Rachel,” said Kate, looking up at me. “Rachel Oriana Santos.” I could see from the look in her eye why she’d chosen that first name; in one of our rare conversations about what had happened to her back in Arcadia Bay, Kate had mentioned a strange feeling of kinship with Nathan and Jefferson’s other victims, even though she’d never really known any of them. I supposed that this was her way of commemorating someone who hadn’t been as ‘fortunate’ as her.

“She’s even more beautiful than her namesake,” I told Kate, which was clearly the right thing to say, as her face lit up with a smile – which quickly became sly.

“Wait, you had a thing for Rachel Amber? I thought you hated her.”

I blinked at the sudden change of topic; this wasn’t something I’d ever talked about. “So did I… but I figured out a long time ago that I was actually crazy jealous. I wanted to _be_ her, and I wanted to be _with_ her, both at the same time. After she disappeared, it was easier just to focus on the hate.” I trailed off, realizing that Kate wasn’t really listening; not that I could blame her. I was happy simply to watch her with her child – and massage my aching hand.

It was a few minutes before Kate looked up at me again. “Would you like to hold your goddaughter?”

My breath hitched. “I would love to,” I told her nervously. I leaned over, and Kate carefully settled Rachel in my arms. I stood back up and looked down at her. Suddenly, I was hit by an overwhelming torrent of emotion, a flood of love that eclipsed even what I feel for Kate. It took me a little while to regain control before I could speak. “Hi, Rachel, I’m your godmother Victoria. I’m really happy to meet you, and I’m going to make you a promise: I will do anything in my power to look after you and your family, always.”

I looked back at Kate, and was hit by the megawatt beam of her smile. The love I saw in her eyes took my breath away. While I knew it was mainly directed at Rachel, for a few moments I allowed myself to believe… and that was when Aaron finally arrived.

In no time at all, Rachel was in her father’s arms, and Kate’s smile followed, leaving me feeling strangely bereft. I decided that it was probably time for me to leave and give the newly-grown family some privacy. I made a feeble joke about needing to go over to orthopedics to have my hand looked at. They barely acknowledged my departure – understandable, but it still stung a little.

I made my way through the maze of corridors until I found a waiting area. I collapsed into a chair and then, to my horror, I began to cry. In public. I _never_ do that. At first, I wasn’t even sure why; I just sat there, head in my hands to try and hide the tears running down my face. I’m not sure how long I stayed like that before someone took the seat next to me. “Are you okay?” she asked, gently.

I turned to see a heavily pregnant woman looking at me with obvious concern on her face. I wiped my cheeks and nodded stiffly. She didn’t look like she believed me. “I’m fine, honestly.” She looked even less convinced.

“Did something happen to your baby?” she asked carefully. “I had a miscarriage before this, so I know what it’s like…”

“No,” I said, cutting her off before she dredged up painful memories to try and help me. “I’m not… I’ve never even…”

“Then what has you sobbing your heart out in the maternity wing?”

I knew she was just trying to be nice, and I didn’t owe her an answer to that. I didn’t owe _anyone_ an answer to that. Except… maybe myself. And perhaps saying it out loud was the only way to do that. “I just watched the love of my life give birth. It was the most incredible experience. When she let me hold her daughter, I looked down at this tiny new person and fell in love all over again. The way my friend looked at me… at _us_ … just for one perfect moment, I thought…”

“Thought what?”

I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter. That was when her husband finally arrived. Suddenly _he_ was holding their baby and it was like I didn’t exist any more. I think that was when it finally hit me – I’m never going to have that with her.” I was admitting it more to myself than to the woman sitting next to me. “I mean, I’ve always known it up here,” I tapped my temple. “She’s straight; friendship is all she has to offer me. Don’t get me wrong, that friendship is the most precious thing in the world, but I think that deep down, there was always a part of me that hoped someday, somehow… even after she got married. Today, though… today I think that hope finally died.”

“I’m sorry,” the woman said, resting a comforting hand on mine before asking, “does she know?”

I shook my head. “No; at least, I haven’t told her. Her sister and husband have both figured it out, though, so I guess I haven’t been as careful about hiding it as I thought… I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have to listen to some random stranger bitching about her problems.”

The woman looked like she was about to say something, but a nurse came in calling a couple of names. “That’s me,” she said, but hesitated. “Will you be okay?”

“Yeah, and, um, thanks for listening. I think it helped.” She smiled, squeezed my hand, and left. A couple of minutes later, I got up and headed back to where I’d parked the car, then drove back to Kate and Aaron’s place, stopping at a florist on the way. I put the flowers in a vase on the table in the main room, then took a couple of minutes to write in the card I’d bought. I cleaned up the kitchen – I was too tired and lazy to do it last night – and pulled a casserole that I’d made at the weekend out of the freezer, so they’d have a quick and easy meal when they got home. I went into the master bedroom, tidied away Kate’s discarded clothes, stripped and remade the bed. Finally, I retrieved the bassinet from the nursery and attached it to Kate’s side of the bed.

After taking one last look around to make sure that everything was as clean and tidy as I could manage, I collected the rest of my stuff and came back here. I’m still feeling… I’m not sure what I’m feeling. There’s too much going on in my head right now. I need to sleep.

#### Thursday, August 1st 2019

It took me a few days to fully process my emotions and figure out what to do with them. My feelings for Kate, at least, I have a handle on; besides, they’re so ingrained now that I doubt I could change them even if I wanted to. The jealousy, though, that I _don’t_ want. I know it’s been there for a while because I’ve felt flashes of it before, but none as intense as what I felt that day. I don’t like it at all, and I know that it would eventually poison my friendship with Kate and Aaron – and Rachel.

Rachel was the new term in the equation. Whilst I’ve never been a big fan of children, or particularly wanted any of my own, I could still feel that visceral jolt of emotion that hit me when I first held her. I knew that, no matter what it took, I wanted to be a part of her life, and I didn’t want her picking up on any weirdness between myself and her parents. I knew what I had to do: it was time to follow my follow my mother’s default advice, and get some professional help.

With that decision made, I was ready to reply to Kate’s third, more than a little insistent message demanding to know when I was going to visit my goddaughter. An hour later, I was holding her, trying to resist that temptation to make too many embarrassing cooing noises. I didn’t, really succeed, but nor did I mind Kate’s gentle teasing.

“So, how are _you_ doing?” Kate asked after she’d caught me up on her first few days of motherhood. “It’s not like you to take so long to reply to my messages.”

“I… I’ve been going through some personal issues. I needed to take same time to work things out by myself.”

“Anything you want to talk about?”

I winced. “A fresh perspective _would_ help, but unfortunately, it isn’t really something I’d be comfortable talking to you about. It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s just…”

“Hey, it’s okay, I understand. Just because we’re best friends doesn’t mean we have to tell each other everything. We all need a bit of privacy, even from the people we’re closest to. Just… promise me that you will talk to _someone_ about what’s bothering you.”

I nodded. “I’ve already made an appointment to see a therapist. My mother would be so proud.”

Kate smiled. “I hope they help you to find whatever it is that you need. I’ve missed you, and I don’t want Rachel growing up not knowing her godmother!”

“She’ll see me regularly from here on out,” I promised. Seemingly in response, Rachel wriggled in my arms, and then started to cry. “Or not…”

“Give her here,” said Kate with a laugh, “she’s probably just hungry.” Carefully, I lowered Rachel into her mother’s arms, and then turned away, blushing, as Kate opened her top. “Oh, come on, Tori,” she said, “it’s nothing you haven’t seen before.” When I looked back, She had her daughter held up to her breast, and was talking to her softly, encouraging her to feed. There was a look of intense concentration on her face. Finally she smiled, “that’s it, sweetie.” When she looked up at me, I realized I’d been staring.

“Sorry…” I began, but Kate shook her head. “It’s just, the two of you look so beautiful; I guess I was framing the photograph in my head.”

“Well, we’ll definitely have to get you to take some shots. Maybe Aaron and I can bring Rachel into the studio in a week or two?”

“I’d like that.”

Kate was looking at me like she was trying to figure something out. “So, have you ever consider motherhood?”

The question caught me off guard. “It’s not really a life goal for me, but maybe, in five or ten years’ time… I’d have to manage to actually keep a guy, though, and that doesn’t really seem to be on the cards for me.”

“There are other ways to have children, you know.”

I nodded. “And perhaps someday I’ll consider them. Right now, though, there are other things in my life I want to focus on. Besides, I want to get in a good few years of god-mothering first, so I know what I’ll be letting myself in for.”

“I can respect that,” Kate told me, “and we’ll be sure to arrange plenty of one-on-one time with Rachel for you.”

“Wait… did I just volunteer as babysitter-in-chief?”

Kate simply smirked.

#### Saturday, September 21st 2019

Well, I finally got my promised/threatened alone time with Rachel. Kate and Aaron went out for their first date night in at least two or three months, leaving me alone with the baby. I was both excited, and terrified. In truth, there wasn’t much for me to do – Kate was already putting her to bed as I arrived at their house. The hope was that she would sleep until her parents got back, but if not, then I’d be on hand to soothe her, change a nappy, or give her a feed of the milk Kate had expressed earlier.

Eventually Kate and Aaron left, after making sure I had the phone number of the restaurant where they’d be, just in case there was some sort of baby emergency _and_ neither of their cellphones was working. I was secretly relieved that they were as nervous about leaving Rachel as I was about being left alone with her. I poured myself a glass of juice, and settled in on the couch to read, hoping for a quiet evening.

Of course I wasn’t going to be so lucky. About an hour after her parents left, Rachel woke up crying. When I picked her up, one sniff told me what the problem was. Lovely. At least I was well prepared: Kate had delighted in making sure I got plenty of practice at changing Rachel over the past few weeks. Once I had her cleaned up and a fresh diaper on, I was hoping that she would calm down, but she was still upset. I carried her through to the kitchen to warm up some milk (Kate had made sure I’d had training on that, too). Rachel fussed at the bottle when I held it up for her, but soon she was greedily drinking it down.

After eating, she seemed much happier, smiling at me as I gently rocked her in my arms. I was starting to feel pretty smug about my baby-wrangling skills; right up to the point where I held Rachel up to burp her, and realized about half a second too late that I’d forgotten to put a cloth over my shoulder. Even then, I was pleased that I’d had the foresight to stuff a change of clothes into my purse. By the time Kate and Aaron got home an hour or so later, Rachel was fast asleep again, and I was all cleaned up and back on the couch with my Kobo. If either of them noticed that I’d changed tops while they were out, they were polite enough to keep it to themselves.

#### Monday, 11th November 2019

Well, the last 24 hours have been eventful. It was Rachel’s baptism yesterday, which meant that I had to stand up in front of a church full of people and pretend that I believe in a bunch of stuff I don’t – after four seasons of swooning over Tom Ellis in _Lucifer_ , I’m not sure I even want to ‘renounce Satan’. At least all the time I’ve spent with Kate has mellowed my stance on religion. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve still got no time for the extremists who try to force their views on the rest of us, but the majority of people who are just quietly following their beliefs? I can respect them. Anyway, Ruth and Tomás are both Christians, so two out of three godparents ain’t bad.

The service wasn’t actually that long, and Rachel was a little angel, even taking being doused with holy water without complaint. After it was over, we posed for photos, and then congratulations from the happy grandparents, along with other family and friends. It seems that becoming a godmother may have slightly redeemed me in the eyes of Kate’s mother – even without having connected me to what happened at Blackwell, she’s always been suspicious of me; now, she seems to have decided that I can be a good influence on Kate. We agree on that, at least, albeit for very different reasons.

From the church, we went to a restaurant that Aaron’s parents had booked out for a buffet reception. I loaded up on food, and looked for friendly faces to talk to. In addition to Ruth and Lynn, Max and Dana were also there – but as Max had Sam with her, Dana seemed to be going to great pains to stay away from them. I said a brief hello to her first; she was staying with me for the weekend, and I’d warned her about Sam being there the night before; she’d seemed more okay with it then than when faced with reality. Dana was on a break after finishing a tour with the dance company she’s in, and I’d seen her a few times since Rachel was born – she had plenty of free time to visit Kate and her family. She’d also told me that she’d soon be starting training for another tour, and studiously avoided talking about Max – other than prompting me to go say hello to her.

It was my first time meeting Sam, even though they’d been dating Max for over a year now, and the two of them were living together. Max hadn’t really told me that much about them during our rare conversations, although she _had_ given me a stern admonishment about which pronouns to use. It turned out that we got along pretty well; Sam was a journalist, which I could respect, and meant that they had at least a casual interest in photography, so was willing to let me talk about my little business venture.

After the buffet, a more select group of us went back to Kate and Aaron’s house for further celebrations. I saw Dana get cornered by Sam, but thankfully the two of them didn’t come to blows, and it looked like they even ended up teasing Max together. That said, a few minutes later I caught Dana coming out of the bathroom, looking like she’d been crying. By that point, I wasn’t doing too well, either. Seeing Kate so happy with her extended family had caused my old jealousies and insecurities about her to flare up again.

We were both, then, in the mood for some wine when we got back to my apartment. Dana was in better spirits than I’d feared, though; she seemed to have developed a grudging liking for Sam, and also admitted she probably wouldn’t have ended up doing the dance tours if she and Max had gotten back together. In return, I finally told her how I feel about Kate. I trust Dana to keep it to herself, and now that I’ve been discussing it with my therapist, I’m a little more willing to open up about it. Dana seemed completely shocked by my revelation, so maybe I haven’t been as obvious about it as I’ve been worrying I have.

We finished off the wine while bitching and commiserating about loving people we can’t be with, and made it about half-way through a second bottle before finally calling it a night. We were both a little the worse for wear, and Dana needed a hand getting out of her chair; when I pulled her up, she kept coming and ended up in my arms. “Let’s get you to bed,” I told her and, without thinking, led her through into my room. Dana didn’t object, so I decided just to go with it; it’s not like it would be the first time we’d shared a bed. I stripped off and climbed in, then shamelessly watched while she did the same; I’m only human, and Dana _is_ very beautiful.

When she got under the covers, though, she scooted straight across to my side of the bed to snuggle up against me, tangling her legs with mine. I froze for a moment before relaxing into it. Her bare skin felt incredible pressed up against me, and the feeling of human contact was exactly what I needed. After a few minutes, I felt her hand begin to move across my back and sides, and I hummed happily at the feeling of Dana’s gentle caresses. Uncertainly, I began to do the same, allowing my hand to explore her body. Soon, her head moved, causing me to look her in the eye, and her lips found mine.

That was when I realized where things seemed to be heading, and that I had a choice to make. Should I push her back, stop my first time from being a somewhat drunken one-night stand with an old friend; or was it finally time to admit that my virginity might well be the very thing that was holding me back from forming the relationship I needed to lose it, and take advantage of the chance to do so with someone I already trust. Deciding to take that chance, I deepened the kiss.

Emboldened by my response, Dana slid her hand between us, and up to cup my breast. If my gasp was more surprise than pleasure, then she didn’t need to know that; instead I moved my own hand down to grab her ass. Soon, Dana pushed me onto my back, and I quickly realized she expected me to become more passive. Her lips sought out my nipples, and she slowly dragged her hand down my body to stroke the tops of my thighs. Understanding what she wanted, I parted my legs, and her hand slipped between them.

A few minutes later, Dana was looking down at me smugly as I enjoyed the nice relaxed feeling I always get after an orgasm. Despite that, there was only one thought going through my head: _was that it?_ I mean, it was pleasant enough, but in all honesty I’d been perfectly happy just with the cuddling. I wondered if maybe it was because I was missing half of the puzzle – and besides, it would be rude of me not to reciprocate. I flipped us over, and attempted to replicate what Dana had done to me.

I admit that was an interesting exercise, discovering what responses my kisses and touches could elicit from her, and as I watched her come, I imagine that my expression was as smug as hers had been earlier. Nevertheless, it still didn’t really do anything for me. Had I really gotten worried, stressed, and confused about… well, nothing? I didn’t have much time to consider that as Dana turned the tables yet again; she kissed me insistently, before her lips worked their way down my body.

She was clearly enjoying herself, so I didn’t have the heart to ask her to stop, and instead decided to give sex one last chance. When Dana’s mouth found my center, I’ll admit I enjoyed it – but I enjoy reading a good book too. After getting me off, she looked up, but apparently mistook my lack of enthusiasm for something else. “You look tired. We should probably both get some sleep. We’ll have plenty of time in the morning.” For what, she didn’t say, instead she gave me one last kiss, with the taste of myself on her lips. Then she lay down beside me, snuggled in, and almost immediately fell asleep.

It was a long time after that before _I_ slept.

##### Later

I was woken this morning by Dana wriggling. When she saw I was awake, she moved straight in to kiss and touch me. Gently, I pushed her away. Last night was an experiment that I had no interest in repeating. I guess she remembered my outburst from Kate’s wedding, because she quickly asked if it had been my first time – and then started worrying that she’d rushed me into things and I was having morning after regrets. I tried to reassure her, but I think I ended up insulting her sexual prowess instead.

Rather than dig myself any deeper, I decided to tell her the truth; that I’ve never really experienced sexual desire. I kept expecting it to happen with one of the people I dated, but no matter how much I enjoyed making out or snuggling, I’d never found myself wanting anything more than that. It’s a large part of why I stopped dating – I knew it was something my dates were going to want that sooner or later, and if I _didn’t_ , then what was the point? There was also a part of me that thought that, as my lack of interest couldn’t be due to there being something wrong with every single person I ever went out with, then that meant that there had to be something wrong with me.

Dana turned out to be completely blasé about it; instead of judging me, she told me that no, there wasn’t anything wrong with me, and suggested that I might be asexual – and that I was far from alone. She told me to look it up on the internet, which I’d never worked up the nerve to do before, as if searching for information about my sexual ambivalence would make it real. Now, I could no longer deny it, and Dana had given me a starting point for my research. I thanked her profusely for her help, and for being understanding about everything. It seems that I’d inadvertently made an excellent choice of partner for my first – and possibly last – sexual encounter.

She was clearly uncomfortable with the situation, but there wasn’t really much I could do about that. I also rather suspected that she was still pretty horny – given the way she’d come at me the moment I woke up – and even if I had no interest in sex, I was still craving some physical comfort. Hesitantly, I suggested something that I hoped would help both of us out; and once she got over her surprise, Dana agreed. I sat up against the headboard, and she relaxed into me. I wrapped my arms around her, and simply held Dana while she got herself off. Feeling her body pressed against mine felt good, especially as the involuntary muscle spasms of her orgasm rippled through her. When she was done, we lay back down, shared a few gentle kisses, then snuggled up together and drifted back to sleep.

By the time we woke up again, there was just time for us to have quick showers before we needed to head to the station for Dana to catch her train. I insisted on walking her there, ostensibly as it was only polite after her spending the night with me, but she wasn’t going to fall for that. Instead, she laughed, and told me that she’d be happy to pick up cheesesteaks on the way. Damn, she knows me too well…

#### Wednesday, January 1st 2020

New Year’s resolutions:

  1. Spend as much time as possible with Rachel. Also Kate and Aaron. More time with Dana and Max, too, if I can.
  2. Hand over most of day-to-day management of the admin and retail parts of the business to Qadira by the end of the year, and start doing classes.
  3. Aim to put on a show of my own work, which means taking more photographs too!



I probably should have added one about updating my journal more frequently, but there’s not always much to write about. Not that it’s a _bad_ thing, what with the alleged Chinese curse about living in ‘interesting times’.

Business is booming – our first year far exceeded my hopes, and the last month and a half have been insane. I’ve been able to get well ahead on the loan repayments, which means that I might be able to start planning for a new location as early as next year.

My therapist did a great job of helping me come to terms with my feelings for Kate. It’s not that I love her any less, just that I’ve accepted how she’s never going to feel about me the way I might like – and that Aaron has that place in her heart.

#### Monday, 17th February 2020

I spent Valentine’s weekend with my favorite babe.

Rachel is six months old, and her parents have decided that’s enough for them to leave her for more than just a few hours. They took the opportunity, then, to have a romantic weekend away, and to get a couple of nights of uninterrupted sleep – well, not interrupted by a baby, at any rate. I’d happily volunteered as babysitter for the weekend, and thus spent the previous couple of weeks baby-proofing my apartment. Yes, I know it’s a little early to worry about that, but better safe than sorry.

I already had a bunch of toys, because Kate had brought Rachel round to visit a few times before; part of the reason for that was so my apartment was a familiar place, so that Rachel would be that bit more comfortable being left here. I’d also picked up a cot and high chair, a changing mat and bottle warmer, and fitted an attachment point to my car that Rachel’s carrier could slot into – amongst other things.

Rachel took being dropped off on Friday night surprisingly well; I guess that’s because I’ve been around her a few times a week since she was born, and I’ve babysat her a bunch of times, so she’s gotten used to her parents leaving her with me. That’s not to say that she didn’t get upset when by the next morning her mom and dad still hadn’t come back, but she let me calm her down and give her a bottle, and soon she was her usual happy self again.

I took the elevator down a couple of floors and let myself into the staff area behind the studios. I’d left my camera bag in what used to be _my_ office, but was slowly becoming Qadira’s. She was doing paperwork when I went in, and her face lit up when she saw me with Rachel in her carrier. I’d told her all about my goddaughter – in what was probably nauseating detail – but they’d never actually met before. After cooing over the baby for a few minutes, Qadira carried the camera bag through to the studio space I’d reserved, and helped me get set up.

Rachel was happy to sit and let me take pictures for a little while, but she soon got bored, so I packed up and returned my camera to the office, before heading down to the basement garage. The drive to a nearby park didn’t take very long, and soon I had Rachel into her snowsuit, and in her stroller. It was a bit odd having people assume that I was Rachel’s mother – a few of them came over to admire her – but I found I rather liked the feeling.

Rachel was asleep by the time we got back to the car, and she stayed that way as I drove home and carried her up to the apartment. I took advantage of that to load the pictures I’d taken earlier into Photoshop for touch ups, and sent a couple of my favorites to Kate. She replied almost immediately, thrilled with the images, and asking how her daughter was doing.

I spent most of the next couple of days playing with Rachel when she was awake, and reading when she wasn’t. When the time came to hand her back to her parents, I found myself reluctant to say goodbye. What I can’t decide is whether I’m actually getting broody, or whether it’s just Rachel I wish was mine.

#### Tuesday, April 21st 2020

I taught my first class this evening, which was more than a little nerve-wracking. Thankfully, those years of practice at being a stone-cold bitch stood me in good stead, as I was able to push down my feelings and focus on what I was doing. In fact, once I got past my initial nervousness and relaxed, I found that I really enjoyed the experience. That was just a beginner class; I guess I’ll have to see how things go with the more advanced classes. My students’ enthusiasm has inspired me, though; I’ve not made much progress so far on my New Year’s resolution to take more photos, but now I find that I’m itching to get out there with my camera.

#### Saturday, June 13th 2020

I had a surprise visit from my parents today. Not that they were really here to see me, you understand, more to assess my business venture. I gave them a guided tour and, though they hid it well, I could tell that they were actually mildly impressed by what I’ve achieved. Then they had to go and spoil it by offering to license me the ‘Chase Space’ name – for a small cut of the profits, naturally. I wasn’t even tempted for a moment; I’m doing perfectly well without the brand recognition, thank-you very much. Besides, I need that money for my expansion plans; I rather like the idea of having more locations than them, and who knows, prestige may come in time…

#### Sunday, August 16th 2020

I’m twenty-five! How did that happen? Dana’s down from New York for the weekend, since her tour didn’t finish in time for her to make it to Rachel’s birthday party last month. We went out on Friday night to celebrate my birthday, along with Kate and Qadira. We had dinner at a Moroccan place we’ve had after-work take-out from a bunch of times, and then moved on to a Karaoke bar that served a huge variety of both alcoholic and virgin cocktails. Kate stole the show, as usual, but we all managed a couple of songs without horribly embarrassing ourselves.

After that, Kate headed home, and the rest of us walked back to my building; Qadira to pick up her car, and Dana and I to head to bed. What I wasn’t expecting was her knocking on my door just after I’d settled under the covers. “Hey,” she said, “would it be okay if I stayed in here? I’ve gotten so used to sharing a bed with Jess while we were on tour that I’ve been having trouble sleeping alone. I know you’re ace now, so I’m not going to try anything – although I wouldn’t say no to some snuggles if you’re interested.”

I smiled at her. “That sounds _awesome_.” The most physical contact I’ve had since last November is with Rachel – and while I love cuddling her, it’s not really the same thing. Dana grinned back, pulled off her nightshirt, and slipped into bed beside me. Moments later, she was snuggled into my back with an arm wrapped around me, and we drifted off to sleep. We spent most of yesterday at Kate and Aaron’s place, hanging out with them and (mostly) Rachel.

Dana shared my bed again last night, and as neither of us was in any hurry to get up this morning, we stayed there to snuggle and make out a little. Dana was careful not to push any boundaries, so I was able simply to relax and enjoy the sensations. I still felt absolutely no inclination to go any further, but that much I thoroughly enjoyed. It felt good to explore what I do and don’t want from a physical relationship, and it seems that after having had sex, Dana and I are completely comfortable around each other.

Going back a few weeks, Rachel’s birthday was fun. Kate and Aaron’s immediate families were there – it was good to see Ruth and Lynn again – plus Max and Sam had come down as well, and I hadn’t seen them since the baptism. The birthday girl, being all of one, was largely oblivious to the cause of the celebration, but she seemed perfectly happy to be the center of attention – rather like her namesake.

#### Sunday, October 24th 2020

I realized that it’s been a while since I’ve written in here, and my entries have been getting less frequent for a while now. I suppose there hasn’t been much to write about. Life is pretty good, both personally and professionally, even if I’ve settled into a routine and there’s not much excitement to be had. Of course, now that I’ve written that down, I’ve probably jinxed it, so expect an entry about some dramatic surprise or terrible accident any day now…

Okay, so it’s not _entirely_ true about nothing of interest happening; I’ll be opening my first solo photography show in a couple of days. Maybe it’s a little bit self-indulgent, and it’s certainly easier to get a showing when you ~~know~~ are the creative director of a gallery, but I’ve tried to be critical of my own work. I even enlisted Max to help go through the portfolio I’d put together and pick out which of the pictures were worthy of inclusion – even though we’ve become friends, we’ve still retained that judgmental edge when it comes to each other’s work.

#### Friday, January 1st 2021

New Year’s resolutions:

  1. Don’t let the regular lunch dates and evenings with Kate and Rachel slide. Try to make more time for other friends, too.
  2. Promote Qadira again, so I can step back into a purely teaching/creative/strategic role. Start thinking about a possible second location.
  3. Go to the gym a little more frequently. Too many cheesesteaks last year!



I spent Christmas with Kate, Rachel, and Aaron. They actually invited me last year, but I had to work; this year, Qadira wasn’t the only staff member to volunteer, so I felt able to take the day off. In any case, I suspect that Rachel was probably too young to really enjoy her first Christmas, but this time she was _very_ excited about it. As an added bonus, Ruth was there as well, having chosen to take a short flight down from Boston rather than taking the transcontinental one home.

In all honesty, I think it was the best Christmas I’ve ever had, bar none. These people feel far more like family than my parents do.

#### Tuesday, March 9th 2021

I am _so_ not a gym rat. I don’t mind doing some exercise occasionally, but I’m never going to be one of those people who _enjoys_ it. Switching from hitting the gym a couple of times a month to going once or twice a week wasn’t exactly fun for me. When I complained about it to Kate over lunch at her place, she gave me an odd look. “Why do it, then, Tori?”

“Because I’ve put on some weight over the last couple of years.”

“And…?” I simply blinked at her, not sure how to reply. “Sweetie, you still look great, so why worry about it? You live in town, so you get plenty of exercise just from walking around, and I know that, your occasional love of junk food notwithstanding, you usually have a pretty healthy diet.”

“But…” I tried to explain how my mother had always impressed on my that it was necessary to maintain a slim figure, but Kate cut me off.

“This is the twenty-first century, Tori, we don’t need to conform to those old ideals. You run your own business, so you don’t have a boss to impress, and you don’t seem interested in impressing _anyone_ romantically at the moment, so why not simply let it go?”

“Maybe, but I _have_ had trouble fitting into some of my older clothes…”

“And you don’t see that as a golden opportunity to refresh your wardrobe? Who are you, and what have you done with Victoria Chase?” That drew a laugh from me, but I guess Kate could tell that I still wasn’t convinced. She sighed and got up; a few moments later, she returned with a set of bathroom scales and a tape measure.

“Stand,” she instructed me, pointing at the scales. I obeyed, and she read off the weight then quickly measured my height, before entering both into an app on her phone. “Okay, your BMI is a hair over twenty-two, which puts it smack in the middle of the normal weight range; sure, it’s a pretty flawed measure, but I think that it’s a fairly good indication that you have nothing to worry about health-wise. Maybe this is just your body finding its natural weight.” Rachel made some unintelligible noise. “See, your goddaughter agrees with me!”

I couldn’t help but smile at that, and pulled her into a hug. “Thanks, Kate, you always know how to make me feel better. I guess that’s one resolution I can take a pass on.”

“Good. Now, finish your lunch,” she told me sternly.

“Yes, Mother,” I said with a laugh.

#### Tuesday, May 18th 2021

I’d considered talking to Qadira over dinner, but I decided in the end to keep things a little more professional. So, this afternoon, I popped into her office armed with a small box, which I placed in front of her. “What’s this, boss?” she asked with a smile.

“Open it and find out,” I suggested.

She pulled the lid off and looked up at me. “Business cards,” she said. “I already have business cards.”

“Ah, but these are new ones; take a look.”

With a small eye-roll, she took a card out of the box. “Qadira Shakoor, General Manager,” she read out. It took a moment for it to register. “Wait… _General_ Manager?”

“Congratulations,” I told her with a big grin, “you earned it.”

“Wow, so… what exactly does this mean?”

“It means that you’re the boss of this place. I’ll be keeping some creative control over the gallery space, and I’ll still teach some classes, but other than that, it’s all up to you.”

“So, no pressure, huh?”

“You’ll still report to the owner, of course, but she has complete confidence in your abilities.”

“Thank-you, Victoria,” she said with a smile, “I really appreciate this, and I won’t let you down. So… what are you going to be doing?”

“Relaxing a little, doing some more photography of my own, and planning our next location – I’m thinking New York.”

“Sounds like fun.”

“I hope so. Anyway, I should let you get back to work.” I turned to go then, seemingly as an afterthought, I passed Qadira a folded slip of paper. “Oh, I almost forgot, that’s your new salary.” I strode out of the room, hearing a gasp from behind me as the door closed. I’ve felt a bit guilty about how much work I’ve been piling on Qadira since I first promoted her to management; a hefty pay rise is my way of trying to make up for that.

#### Thursday, August 5th 2021

It was a gorgeous day today, so Kate and I took Rachel down to the park. We took a blanket and some food, and watched as she toddled around, chasing after birds. “Are you happy?” Kate asked me, out of the blue.

“Um, yeah, I guess,” I replied, somewhat thrown by her question.

“Once more, with feeling,” Kate suggested, clearly not impressed.

“No, I am. I have a job I love, some truly amazing friends, a goddaughter who I adore, and I’m not exactly strapped for cash. What’s not to be happy about?”

“Don’t you want someone special for yourself, though? A boyfriend or girlfriend, maybe someday children of your own?”

I sighed. “Sure, that might be nice, someday, but I spent years doing on dates with who knows how many people – and not one of them did I feel I wanted to have that with.” _Because none of them was you_ , I added silently. “Perhaps I could be happier if I had a partner, but I know for a fact that the search for one was making me miserable.”

Kate nodded slowly, “I guess I can understand that, but I wish there was something I could do for you.”

“Well, Ruth _was_ an excellent kisser, so if you wanted to set me up with her…”

Kate batted at me. “You stay away from my sister, Madam.”

“Hey! She started it…” I began, only to be bowled over by Rachel barreling into me demanding hugs – her current favorite word, and one I can heartily endorse. My eye caught Kate’s, and we shared a smile. It’s true what I told her, though: I simply couldn’t be happier.

Well, as Glinda once said, not _simply_.

#### Wednesday, October 13th 2021

Kate and I had our weekly lunch date a day late, not uncommon when one of us is busy for some reason. When I got done making a big fuss over Rachel, I finally got around to asking what she’d been doing the previous day. I was on guard the moment her blankly innocent expression slid into place. “Oh, I was just having my twelve-week scan.”

I blinked at her, slowly processing what she’d just said. When comprehension dawned, I began to smile. “You mean…?”

Kate nodded. “Yes, you’ll be pleased to hear that your future godchild is in perfect health.”

I think I may actually have squealed in delight as I pulled Kate into an enormous hug. Rachel has brought so much joy into my life over the last two-and-a-bit years; I can’t wait to meet her sibling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended reading order: [Chapter Twelve](/works/12393543/chapters/36369774) of _Piece by Piece_.


	8. Victoria Chase and the Small Humans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been without the use of my Mac for almost a week now – the power brick for my monitor expired just after I posted last week’s chapter of _Piece by Piece_ , and its replacement is taking entirely too long to get here. On the plus side, that has meant fewer distractions, and writing is one of the things I can do just as well on my iPad (indeed, that’s what I do on my daily commute to and from the office). The downside was that I’ve had to skip my final spelling and grammar pass, and getting the text exported, cleaned up, and into a web page has been a bit of a challenge. Still, after leaving you with a little bit of a cliffhanger last week, I didn’t want to put posting this off any longer than necessary. So, in my best Majel Barret voice, “and now… the continuation.”

#### Saturday, January 1st 2022

New Year’s resolutions:

  1. Be the best godmother I can be, both to Rachel and to her sibling – and make sure not to take attention away from the older girl once the baby arrives.
  2. Find somewhere for the New York location, and get it up and running by the end of the year. Consider getting Max involved.
  3. Come up with some better resolutions for next year?



#### Wednesday, March 2nd 2022

I called Max this evening, hoping to have an initial discussion about her helping out with finding a location for the New York branch. She didn’t seem as enthusiastic as I hoped, but then admitted that things aren’t going well in her love life. Apparently, Sam has met someone else, and is trying to figure out what – who – they want. I can understand why that might have Max a little distracted, but she did give me vague promises to start thinking about where would be a good area. I guess we’ll see. I hope things work out between those two.

Closer to home, Kate asked me to be her buddy for antenatal classes again, when Aaron can’t make it. Hopefully that won’t happen too often – and more importantly, hopefully he’ll be there for the birth this time!

#### Thursday, April 21st 2022

I don’t want to write about the last couple of days, as if somehow doing that will make it all real. Except, of course, it _is_ real, whether I write about it or not. And I really _need_ to vent about it. I guess I should start at the beginning, and try to avoid too many tear stains – like there’s any chance of that.

I got the call from Aaron early on Tuesday evening. I was already on the way to the door when he told me what I’d immediately guessed: Kate had gone into labor. I grabbed my go bag from beside the front door where it had been sat for the past fortnight, told him I’d be there in ten, and hurried down to my car. Thankfully, traffic was light so my ETA was only a little bit optimistic.

Kate was waiting for me at their front door, holding Rachel. She handed the toddler over to me with some quick instructions; I rested my hand on her swollen abdomen for a moment, gave her a kiss on the cheek, and wished her good luck. Thankfully, Rachel was already tired, so she was happy for me to give her a bath and get her ready for bed. I’m a soft touch, so I gave in to her demands for more than one bedtime story; she dozed off during the third.

I checked my phone once I got back to the front room. Oddly, there were no notifications on the screen; Kate and Aaron should have been at the hospital and set up in the maternity ward by then. If this delivery was going to progress anything like that last one, Kate had some long hours ahead of her. I fired off messages to her and Aaron, letting them know that Rachel was asleep and asking if there was any news. There was no response, so I guessed that maybe labor was going faster than I expected and they were both a little busy right then.

I was wrong.

A few minutes later, my phone rang. “Hi, Kate,” I began.

It wasn’t Kate.

When the caller introduced himself as a police officer, I got a sick feeling in my stomach. When he explained that there had been a car accident, it felt like a gaping wound had opened up in my chest. Before he would tell me anything else, I had to answer a series of questions. I explained that I was Kate’s best friend, Rachel’s godmother, and why they’d been on the way to the hospital; there really wasn’t much else I could tell him. Finally, I demanded to know what had happened to my friends, and he told me that their car had been hit by a drunk driver who jumped a red light.

Kate had been alive, but badly injured and taken to the hospital; he didn’t know her current condition. Concerned about the baby, I pressed for more, and he conceded that there hadn’t been any obvious trauma to her abdomen.

Aaron had been pronounced dead at the scene.

My heart broke, right there and then. Aaron was a great guy; husband, father, and friend. I’m going to miss him terribly. But mostly, I was trying to comprehend what this would mean for Kate, and the horror that awaited her when (not if, _when_ ) she woke up. I swore to myself that I would do whatever it took to help her through the days and weeks ahead. I love her – what else could I do?

Somehow, I had the presence of mind to ask if they’d managed to notify the families. He told me that they’d reached Aaron’s parents, but not Kate’s yet. After that, he hung up; other things to do I guess.

I allowed myself a few minutes to cry. I made the most of them.

After that, I went to check up on Rachel. Watching her sleep calmed me a little, until I remembered that she just lost her father, and my heart broke all over again.

Forcing myself into action, I called Ruth. Her excited tone of voice when she answered told me that she hadn’t heard the news yet; I soon changed that. We cried at each other a little, then I promised to keep her updated, and she said she’d pass everything along to the rest of her family and keep them off my back. She also said she’d try and get a flight down from Boston the next day. “One last thing,” she added, just before we hung up, “you look after our goddaughter, no matter what.” I assured her that I couldn’t do anything less.

Next, I tried Dana, but I knew she was on tour, so I wasn’t surprised to get her voicemail. After that, I dialed Max. I don’t think I’d said ten words to her before she was promising to be here as soon as she could. A quarter hour later, I had a call telling me she was in a cab on the way to Penn Station. Of the four of us, Max and I have always been the pair who were least close – and still she was willing to drop everything the minute I called. Even if she was doing it mostly for Kate, that’s still not nothing.

I called the hospital, but to my great lack of surprise, they wouldn’t tell me anything over the phone. I was itching for a drink, but determined to stay sober. Instead, I paced restlessly around the house, unable to focus on anything, and obsessively looking in on Rachel every few minutes. My eyes ached, but still the crying jags came. Time seemed to slow to a crawl as I waited to hear… something, anything.

Eventually, there came a knock at the font door. The moment I opened it, Max pulled me into a hug, and we simply clung to each other in the doorway for a few minutes. Eventually, I ushered her inside. “Any news?” she asked.

I shook my head. “I have to go into the hospital in person for that. I _need_ to be there.” I was itching to leave, to be at Kate’s side as soon as possible.

Seeing my agitation, Max’s eyes narrowed. “What aren’t you telling me?”

“That I’m in love with Kate.” I didn’t see much point hiding it any longer.

Max simply stared at me. “Does she know?” she asked at last.

“I really hope not; I don’t want her burdened with that knowledge.”

Max nodded slowly; I could almost see her looking back at my past actions in light of this new knowledge. “Go. Get some answers. I’ll look after Rachel.”

“You’re sure?”

“I’ve visited a few times since I moved to New York; Rachel knows me. And Kate’s going to need you.”

“Thanks, Max.” I grabbed my car keys, and hurried out the door.

When I got to the hospital, I made the mistake of not lying about being a family member, and the receptionist refused to tell me anything. In a stroke of luck, Amy – one of the midwives from Kate’s ante-natal classes – was coming off shift, and she recognized me. Pulling me aside, she told me that Kate was alive and stable, but had gone into surgery for massive trauma to her legs. Then she asked if I’d like to see my new goddaughter. Reeling from waves of relief, I dumbly nodded yes, and she led me up to the maternity ward.

Amy explained that they’d delivered the baby via an emergency caesarian, as there was no way that Kate would have been able to go through labor. Miraculously, she seemed to be completely unharmed by her mother’s ordeal. As I looked through the glass at the tiny human who was every bit as ugly, and every bit as beautiful as Rachel had been, I felt the same immediate outpouring of love that I’d had at her sister’s birth. After a couple of minutes, Amy took me over to the recovery ward for trauma surgery, and introduced me at the nurses’ station as being ‘as good as family’. I thanked her profusely, then took a seat in the waiting area.

I made quick calls to Ruth and Max to let them know the good news. I also fired off an email to Qadira, briefly explaining the situation, and telling her not to expect me to come in for at least the next few days. Dana finally called me back, so I had to go through what had happened one more time, but at least with a much clearer picture. She wasn’t sure when she’d be able to get away from her tour, but promised to be here at least for Aaron’s funeral. _That_ was something I hadn’t even begun to consider.

I was close to nodding off when one of the nurses came over to tell me that Kate was finally out of surgery. She explained that it would be a while before Kate came around from the anesthesia, but that I could wait in her room. I braced myself for what I might see, but it was still a shock. She was lying on the bed, wearing nothing but a short, sleeveless hospital gown. Her face and arms were marred by cuts and bruises, and both of her legs were completely encased in plaster from ankle to hip. Numbly, I thanked the nurse and sat in the chair beside Kate’s bed. Not knowing what else to do, I took her hand in mine, and waited for her to wake up.

I’m not sure how much later it was when I felt a slight squeeze of my hand. I turned to Kate, and a few moments later her eyes slowly opened. “Tori?” she asked after a few moments. “Where am I?”

“You’re in the hospital. Do you remember what happened?”

“I went into labour… we were driving here… there was some sort of accident.” She looked down. “My legs!” Then, as realization struck, “my baby! What happened to my baby?”

“Your baby is fine. The doctors did an emergency C-section, and she’s… she’s perfect.”

“You’ve seen her?” I nodded. “And… she’s okay? She wasn’t hurt in the accident?” Smiling, I shook my head. “I have another daughter,” Kate said, her voice full of wonder. “Aaron will be disappointed, though, he was really hoping for a son this time…” her voice trailed off; clearly she’d read my expression. “No…”

“I am _so_ sorry Kate.”

“No, no, no…” her face crumpled.

“Aaron is gone.” I leaned over, gently put my arms around her, and held her while we both sobbed. We stayed like that until a knock on the door interrupted us. It was one of the surgeons, checking to see if Kate was awake before she left. When asked how she was doing, Kate asked if they’d accidentally ripped out her heart while they were in there. Clearly accustomed to black humor, the doctor took it in her stride and promised a full debrief the next morning. Stopping her as she left, I asked if it was possible for Kate to see her daughter.

A few minutes later, a nurse brought in the baby, wrapped in a blanket and wearing a pink hat. The way Kate’s face lit up as she took the child in her arms was a much-needed balm for my soul. After a few moments, as if suddenly remembering, she asked where Rachel was. I explained that Max was looking after her – “the only way she could have gotten here faster was if she’d learned to apparate!” We are, as Kate said, blessed with our friends.

I asked what she was going to call her new daughter. Kate explained that she and Aaron had discussed a bunch of names, but never actually managed to settle on one. Now, she said, none of those felt right. She was quiet for a long while, then held the baby out to me, indicating that I should take her. “Tori,” she said, “I’d like you to meet your new goddaughter, Erin Vesper Santos.”

I cradled her in my arms. “Hi, Erin, it’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I’m going to make you the same promise I made your sister on the day _she_ was born: I’m going to do everything I can to look after you and your family. Always.” I looked up at Kate. “That means you. Whatever you need to help you through this, I’m here for you, for as long as you need me.” She reached out and rested a hand on my arm. She didn’t say anything, but her eyes held all the answer I needed.

Of course, Erin had to go spoil the moment by starting to cry. Kate suggested that she was probably just hungry, so I helped her get one arm out of the sleeves of her gown so she could fold it down and hold Erin up to her breast. I waited nervously – Kate had told me the trouble she’d had at first getting Rachel to breastfeed – but Erin latched on straight away. Kate slowly relaxed, a serene expression on her face. It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

I held up my phone and sent Kate a questioning look, she gave me a small nod in return. I took my time framing the shots; even if they were only for my private collection, I wanted them to be perfect. When I was done, Kate held out her free hand and I passed the phone over so she could take a look. I could see her scrolling through them, then I heard the tapping of the keyboard and he unmistakable ‘whoosh’ of an outgoing message. I was about to ask who she’d sent the picture to, when the phone rang. Kate answered it, greeting Ruth. I sat back and let the sisters talk as, finally, my exhaustion caught up with me.

##### Later

I was woken by Ruth gently shaking my shoulder. I blinked in confusion for moment as I took in my surroundings, and then memories of the previous night came back – and with them, the tears. Kate was still asleep, so Ruth pulled me out into the corridor, and gave me a hug. “How did you get here so fast?” I asked her.

“I managed to get a standby spot on one of the first flights out of Boston. I was actually at Logan when Kate called me earlier. How’s she doing?”

“Honestly, I’m not sure how much of it has sunk in yet. When I told her about Aaron, she took that about how you’d expect; we ended up crying all over each other until the doctor came to check up on her. After they’d gone, Erin was brought through, and she did a great job of taking Kate’s mind off things, and then I fell asleep while she was talking to you, so…”

Ruth nodded. “And how about you?”

“Compared to last night, I’m fine, but then… I’ve never been so scared in my life, not knowing if Kate was dead or alive. I don’t _ever_ want to have to go through something like that again. It also means that I haven’t really processed that Aaron’s gone; he was one of my closest friends, and I’m going to miss him terribly. How are you dealing, did you even get any sleep?”

“I’ve managed the odd hour, here and there. And you made sure to tell me straight away that Kate was still alive when they pulled her from the car, so I never allowed myself to consider the alternative. It was the only way I could cope; I don’t want to imagine life without my big sister.”

We went back into Kate’s room to wait for her to wake up; Ruth took the opportunity to catch another hour or so of sleep, so I was again the first person Kate saw. This time her confused expression was quickly replaced by one of pain and grief. “It wasn’t a bad dream, was it?” she asked.

“I’m sorry. I wish I could tell you it was, but I can’t.”

“No, I have to face it: my husband is gone. How long did we have together? Was it even five years? We were supposed to grow old together, celebrate our diamond wedding anniversary with our grandchildren – maybe even great-grandchildren… Now all of that is gone.”

“Not all of it. You still have Rachel and Erin, which means you could still have those grandchildren and great-grandchildren. You still have your friends, and your family. Speaking of family,” I added, surreptitiously poking Ruth with my elbow, “there’s someone else here to see you.”

A couple of moments later, Ruth was awake and climbing onto the bed to hug her sister. “Oh, Kate, I am so, so sorry.” The two of them clung to each other and sobbed for a few minutes.

“I’m really glad you’re here,” Kate said at last. “I’m not sure I’d be able to face this without my friends and family by my side.”

“Whatever you need, sis, we’re here for you.”

“Anything at all, just ask,” I agreed.

“I could really use some coffee, or maybe tea,” Kate admitted. That sounded like an awesome plan, so after asking what Ruth wanted, I headed out. I stopped by the nurses’ station, firstly to check that it was okay for Kate to actually have caffeine, and secondly to ask where nearby I could get a decent brew. The promise that I’d pick up a few more drinks while I was there got me the name of an independent coffee shop a couple of blocks away, and the information that Kate’s doctor would be doing her rounds shortly, along with _her_ preferred order.

A quarter hour later, I dropped off one tray of drinks with the nurses, and took the second into Kate’s room. She brightened a little when she took her first sip of the chai latte I’d gotten her. “Oh, this was definitely worth the extra wait. Thanks, Tori.” A couple of minutes after I got back, the doctor came in, and happily accepted the ‘spare’ coffee.

“I see someone has been making friends with the nursing staff,” she said approvingly. “So, Kate, you already know the good news: your daughter is absolutely fine. The amniotic sac did its job, and besides, the injuries to your torso were fairly superficial; a few cuts and bruises, nothing more – the only scar you’ll have above the waist is from the Caesarian. The bad news, I’m afraid, is your legs. They were very badly crushed in the accident – I understand it took the fire crew quite a while to cut you free. We did what we could to repair the damage, but I’m afraid I can’t promise a full recovery. Were you on calcium supplements?”

Kate shook her head. “The OB prescribed them for my first pregnancy, but I just couldn’t keep the tablets down.”

“Weren’t you offered infusions?”

“Yes, but our insurance wouldn’t cover them.”

The doctor shook her head. “I’ve come to hate that phrase. Unfortunately, your pregnancy leeched some of the calcium from your bones, making them weaker than they would otherwise be, which is why the damage to your legs was so bad. If you want to breastfeed your daughter, then I’m afraid that will have the same effect.”

“I want to give her the best possible start, even if that means slowing my recovery.”

“I’d probably do the same. We’ll get you on those infusions, that should help with the recovery, and you should make sure to get plenty of calcium through your diet as well.”

“So… what’s the prognosis on my legs?”

“Honestly, I’m not sure at this point; we’ll know more once we see how well you heal. Whatever happens, you need to prepare yourself for the fact that you will most likely never regain the full use of your legs. Whether that means just needing a cane to help you walk, or the full-time use of a wheelchair, I’m not prepared to say right now.”

I watched Kate’s expression as she slowly digested that news. “Other than some mobility issues, I’m going to be able to live a normal life, though?”

“Yes, I see no reason why not.”

“Then I suppose I should be grateful that things weren’t any worse. Thank-you for taking such good care of me.”

“You’re welcome. I’m sorry I didn’t have better news for you. We’ll need to keep you in for three or four days post-surgery for observation – that’s routine after a Caesarean – but I don’t see any reason why you and your daughter won’t be home by Sunday at the latest.” After she left, one of the nurses brought Erin back in; I decided to give the others some privacy for Kate to feed her daughter, and Ruth to get to know her niece. I took the opportunity to call Max to give her an update.

“You need to talk to Kate about Rachel,” she said, without preamble. “She’s never been left alone with me before, and she’s not terribly happy about it. I’ve told her that Mommy and Daddy went to the hospital because her little sister was coming, but she really wants to see them…”

“Damn. I’m sorry I left you holding the baby, but Ruth’s here now, so I can come back there straight away. Let me talk to Kate to find out what she wants me to do, and I’ll see you shortly.”

I hurried back to Kate’s room to explain the situation. She lay back and rubbed her eyes, as if she was about to cry again. “Please bring Rachel here. Putting this off is only going to upset her more.”

“Okay. Is there anything you want me to tell her. I’m happy to explain… everything, if that would make it easier for you.”

Kate looked at me for a long moment. “You have no idea how much it means to me that you’d be willing to do that, but no; I think I should be the one to tell her.”

I nodded. “I’ll be back soon, then.”

Rachel was happy to see me, and excited to go and meet her baby sister – although I had to reassure her that yes, she was still the prettiest. Somehow I managed to avoid mentioning either her sister’s name, or her father, without being obvious about it. I didn’t really have chance to talk to Max; she asked how Kate was, but all I could manage was a helpless shrug before we got into the car.

Back at the hospital, I took Rachel straight into Kate’s room, while Max waited outside. I helped her climb up onto the bed for cuddles. “Hello Mommy, hello baby!” she said happily. There was a blanket covering Kate’s legs, so Rachel couldn’t see the casts. Ruth and I shared a significant look as Rachel asked her sister’s name, and began to make our way out of the room. “Isn’t that what you call Daddy?” we heard her ask and, just before we closed the door, “where _is_ Daddy?”

We made our way over to a nearby waiting area, where Max and Ruth exchanged greetings. For the next couple of hours, we just quietly sat there, half dozing. Occasionally, one of us would take a look through the window in the door of Kate’s room, to see if she was ready for visitors again. When we finally went back in, the blanket was gone, and Rachel was drawing something on one of Kate’s casts. Erin was gone too; presumably one of the nurses had taken away to sleep. The moment we came in, Rachel looked up. “Auntie Ruth!” she cried, before climbing down from the bed and hurrying over for cuddles.

Max sat down by the bed. “Kate, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you must be going through right now.”

“Yes, you can,” Kate told her. “You lost someone too, remember? And I can’t thank-you enough for coming down so quickly and looking after Rachel. I’m not sure how well I would have coped if I’d woken up here alone.”

Max shook her head. “It’s just a small repayment on what I owe you from Blackwell. I don’t have any work on at the moment, so I can stay for at least a week, maybe two.”

Over the next few hours, we took turns talking to Kate and entertaining Rachel. It was late afternoon, shortly after Erin had been brought back in for another feed – and to be introduced to Max – that there was a knock on the door, and Kate’s parents, along with Lynn, came in. There were more tearful greetings, but after another half hour or so, it became clear that Ruth, Max and I were starting to suffer from both hunger, and lack of sleep.

Judith and Richard made it clear that they expected to look after Rachel, so I handed them my spare key to Kate’s house. Ruth had asked if she could crash at my apartment, along with Max, in the hopes of an undisturbed night’s rest. We picked up cheesesteaks on the way home, and by the time we’d eaten them, we were all ready for bed. Ruth insisted that Max take my small guest room; I soon discovered this was because she planned on sharing with me – a ‘substitute sister’, as she put it. Quickly, we changed into pajamas, then climbed into bed and cuddled up together. I suspect that her comforting presence is what helped me drift off to sleep.

##### Even Later

I woke up this morning feeling rather more refreshed – probably thanks to having gotten over twelve hours’ sleep. Ruth was still asleep, so I carefully extracted myself from her embrace and got up. There was no sign of Max when I emerged into the main room, so I decided to quickly pop downstairs to check in with Qadira. “How’s Kate?” she asked immediately when I popped my head around her office door.

“Considering that she’s lost her husband and may never walk again, she seems to be doing surprisingly well, although I’m not sure how much it’s all sunk in yet.”

“What about you?”

“Still in shock, I guess, trying to figure out what happens next. Look, much as I love it, I think it’s safe to say that I’m not likely to be available to pull shifts downstairs any time soon; I think now’s the time to take me off the roster permanently. Kate’s legs are in plaster from ankle to hip, so I imagine she’s going to need a lot of help around the house for the next few months, and I want to be there for her. The next couple of shows for the gallery are already lined up, so you should be able to take care of those without much help from me. It’s almost a month until the next batch of courses starts, so lets assume for now that I’ll be able to teach those.”

Qadira nodded. “Okay; anything else?”

“I don’t think so. I leave things in your capable hands. I’ll check in with you occasionally, but I may well end up staying at Kate’s place a lot; we’ll just have to see.”

I headed back upstairs, and put a pot of coffee on. The sound of _that_ had Max hurrying out of her room, and Ruth appeared a few minutes later. We picked up some breakfast on the way back to the hospital. Lynn and Richard were already there, Judith having stayed home to look after Rachel. Kate made it clear that having us all there at once was too much for her, so we made arrangements to visit in shifts. That way, Kate would always have a couple of people keeping her company, without getting crowded – and without the rest of us spending too long standing around, or sat in uncomfortable hospital chairs.

It also meant that I had time to start processing everything that’s happened, and for now, writing about it seems to be the best way for me to do that.

#### Sunday, April 24th, 2022

We were eating breakfast this morning when I got a call from Kate; her doctor had given the all clear to go home. Due to her casts, they were sending her in an ambulance, but she needed me to take Erin; she also asked me to pick up a replacement carrier for her, as the one they’d used for Rachel was still attached to what was left of their car.

An hour or so later, we arrived back at Kate’s room; she was already in a special wheelchair which had additional supports for her legs. “Thanks for doing this,” she told me, carefully placing Erin in her new carrier. “I’ll see you back home.” Ruth was going to ride with her, so it was Max who cooed over the baby for the short drive to Kate’s place. Her parents met us at the door to take Erin, but made no move to let us in. Richard took the baby through to the nursery to sleep, but Judith stayed at the door.

“Thank-you for all your help,” she told us, “but this is a time for family.”

I bridled at that. “I’m the girls’ godmother; that makes me family.”

“ _Real_ family,” she clarified.

“Oh, and how long will this ‘real’ family be staying to look after Kate?”

“Until the funeral, but Richard can’t stay away from his parish for long, and I only have a few days off work. Ruth has exams soon, so she’ll need to go back to Boston…”

“I’ve already arranged to be almost entirely off work for as long as Kate and the girls need me.” Put _that_ in your pipe and smoke it.

Judith huffed. “Well, we can’t all afford to do that.” Her expression did soften a little, though. “Still, I don’t want to crowd Kate with too many people here all at once.”

“I suppose that’s fair,” I admitted. I turned to look at Max, who nodded; behind her, I saw the ambulance coming up the street. “We’ll just say hello and then head off. Kate can give us a call when she wants a change of company.”

The ambulance pulled up, and a couple of guys got out. They eyed the steps up to the porch, then unloaded the wheelchair and carried it up there. I made a mental note to look into getting some sort of ramp put in, otherwise Kate is going to be largely stuck in the house until her casts come off. The guys then carefully carried Kate down from the ambulance and sat her in the chair, with Ruth bringing up the rear.

Kate didn’t seem upset that we weren’t staying, she admitted to needing some alone time. She did make us promise to come back for dinner, and when I suggested we could pick up take-out from her favorite restaurant, I got the ghost of a smile from her. We came back here, and I’ve spent a lot of today with my nose hurried in a book, in a futile effort to take my mind off things. I took a break for lunch, and to introduce Max and Qadira – ~~if~~ when the New York project gets off the ground, they’ll probably be working together sometimes.

When we got back to Kate’s with food this evening, she seemed more… withdrawn, as if grief was finally catching up with her. I wish there was something I could do to help her, but that’s something only time will heal. Ruth’s staying with her tonight, along with the rest of their family. I don’t begrudge them that, my turn will come over the weeks ahead. Now, though, I need some sleep.

#### Friday, April 29th, 2022

Yesterday was Aaron’s funeral. His parents had flown in and started organizing the service and wake before Kate had even started thinking about it, and had rebuffed any attempts from her to be involved. I got the distinct impression that if she hadn’t caught the preacher before the service started, she wouldn’t have been invited to speak at all. Certainly no accommodations had been made for her condition; there were steps up to the podium – which she wouldn’t have been able to stand at anyway – so she had to have her father awkwardly park her wheelchair in the aisle.

Kate talked about her unlikely first meeting with Aaron in that dance club, their courtship, and what a wonderful husband and father he’d been. If her voice was a little unsteady, no-one could blame her for that; I was frankly in awe that she was holding it together at all. I’d been crying pretty much since the start of the service, and so had Ruth, who was sat next to me answering Rachel’s whispered questions. Erin, in her carrier on my other side, had thankfully slept through everything.

At the wake, Dana and Max came over to talk to me, practically clinging to each other. Dana was here literally on a flying visit, only in town for a few hours before having to head back to the airport, but it had meant a lot to Kate that she’d made the effort. Max had some choice words about how Kate had been treated earlier, and I heartily agreed with her. So much so, that a couple of hours later, once people had started to leave, I went to talk to Mr. and Mrs. Santos about it.

That turned out to be a bad idea, even though all I wanted to do was politely point out how hurtful their behavior towards Kate had been and that, perhaps, an apology might be in order – I didn’t want to get in their faces about it; they had, after all, just lost their son. I quickly discovered that they blamed Kate for Aaron’s death. The logic seemed to be that they’d never have been driving so late if Kate hadn’t been pregnant, and that Aaron had never had any interest in having children before meeting her. At the same time, they seemed to resent her for being alive when he was dead.

I asked exactly what percentage of teenage boys they thought showed any interest in having children, and suggested that their anger would be better directed at the drunk driver who was _actually_ responsible for the accident, rather than a woman who’d just lost her husband. I might not have been quite so polite about it, though. At that point, Mr. Santos equally politely suggested that I leave and, as much as I wanted to stay and defend Kate, I didn’t want to create a scene that might upset her; instead, I stormed out in as dignified a fashion as I could manage.

It was Dana who found me sitting on the grass outside, and we talked briefly while she waited for her Uber to arrive. She was pretty upset by the Santos’ feelings towards Kate, but suggested that I should make allowances for their grief. “Sometimes people just need someone to blame, a visible target for their anger or loss. If the other driver had lived to stand trial, that would have filled the need, but…” I nodded, I would have liked to see the man pay his dues that way, but on the other hand, this way I didn’t have to deal with knowledge that he’d lived when my friend hadn’t.

“You’re right, but the way they treated Kate at the service was still pretty shitty. Thanks for making the effort to come, though.”

“Of course; I wish I could have stayed for longer, but one show was the most I could wriggle out of.”

“I understand. I hope the rest of the tour goes well, and I’m sure we’ll see more of you come the summer.”

Dana nodded, getting to her feet as a car pulled up by the curb. “Count on it.”

#### Friday, May 13th 2022

Max stuck around for a couple more days after the funeral, but after that she had bookings she needed to get back to New York for – and other work to find if she wanted to be able to pay her rent. I appreciate that I’m incredibly luck to be in a position to essentially drop everything to look after Kate; not that I wouldn’t want to do so regardless, but to me, she’s far more than just a friend.

Of course, it’s not just Kate I’m looking after, there’s Rachel and Erin too. Well, mostly Rachel; Kate’s limited mobility isn’t so much of a problem when it comes to looking after a newborn who’s at least six months away from being able to crawl. She _does_ claim not to have figured out a comfortable way of doing a nappy change without her casts getting in the way; I rather suspect that she hasn’t been trying too hard to solve that particular conundrum, as long as she has a willing helper.

So far, we’ve not had any major disagreements over my being here. I know that Kate doesn’t feel entirely comfortable with what she sees as me putting my life on hold to do this, and I’m still not planning to tell her the reason why there truly is no place I’d rather be. The simple truth is, that at least until the plaster comes off, she needs some help; and while Aaron’s life insurance gives her enough income to support the three of them, there’s no way it would stretch to professional carers.

Of course, this situation won’t last forever, and as much as I want Kate to need me, I’d much prefer that she make a complete recovery. Reality, I suspect, will lie somewhere in between. For now, I’ve become more… intimately familiar with her body than I ever expected – although not in ways I might have once idly speculated about, back before I figured out that I’m ace. Whilst Kate quickly – and to the great relief of both of us – got the hang of transferring from her wheelchair to the toilet, when it comes to bathing, there are some parts she simply can’t reach.

It’s not like I haven’t seen Kate in various states of undress before; I even photographed her in the nude for a project at Penn – although that version of the shot never saw the light of day. This was different; now that I’ve accepted what I do – and don’t – feel for her, I can unabashedly admire Kate’s beauty, comfortable that there are no creepy lustful undertones to my gaze.

As for how Kate’s doing in herself, I can see that grief lies heavy on her, but having Erin to care for seems to be keeping it from becoming all-consuming. She doesn’t really seem to want to talk about it, so all I can do is be here for her when she needs a shoulder to cry on, or somebody to hold her. I’m grieving too, of course, both for the loss of a dear friend, and for the effect his passing has had on the woman I love.

#### Wednesday, June 22nd 2022

It’s been a couple of months now since the accident, and life has settled into a routine here at Casa Santos. My day usually starts with Rachel climbing onto the couch to find out if I’m awake – and waking me up if I’m not. Despite that, I love that she’s so comfortable with me, even if it’s out of consideration for her mother or (more likely) to avoid waking the baby. I give her some breakfast, and then depending on Rachel’s mood, we’ll either watch some ridiculous children’s television, or play with some of her toys (which may or may not involve my required participation).

Once Kate’s awake, I help her get dressed and otherwise ready to face the day – and spend a little bit of quality time with Erin. After that… sometimes we stay at home, sometimes we got to the little park that’s in easy walking distance, so that Rachel can use the play equipment there. As there’s no easy way for Kate to get in a car, any errands that require going farther afield, such as shopping, I do by myself. In the evenings, I usually cook dinner, unless I’ve been teaching a class, in which case I bring home some sort of take-out.

Kate has also been throwing herself into her work, writing furiously, and doing endless sketches once the girls are in bed. Partly it seems to be an outlet for her emotions, but she’s also mentioned that she needs to get more serious about trying to make many from it. The two books she’s already published aren’t exactly bringing in a fortune in royalties, and the life insurance payments fall well short of what Aaron’s salary used to be. I’d be happy to help out, but whilst Kate might grudgingly allow me to put some money aside for Rachel and Erin’s college funds, there’s no way that I’d convince her to let me help out with day-to-day expenses.

Kate’s grief is still there, of course, but it’s more subdued. She’s quicker to laugh and smile, although there’s still a ways to go before she’ll be back to her old self. That’s only to be expected, and I’m doing what I can – what she’ll allow – to help. As for me, I’m enjoying the cozy domesticity while it lasts.

#### Monday, July 25th 2022

We had a party for Rachel’s birthday yesterday. The Marsh family flew in for the weekend, plus Max and Dana came down from New York – Dana’s tour finished earlier this year; she’s been back in the city for a couple of weeks. Tomás was there too, but not his parents; I guess they’re still busy blaming Kate for their younger son’s death.

Kate seemed energized by having all those people here, having been largely housebound for more than three months now. Max has been a regular visitor; after her breakup with Sam, she seemed eager to escape from New York when she had the chance, as well as making up for all those years when she’d been living on the West Coast and had barely seen us. Ruth came down for a few days after her term ended, but Kate hadn’t seen any of the other guests since Aaron’s funeral.

Rachel was delighted to have all these people doting on her, as well as by all the new toys she was receiving. As for me, I was content to sit in a corner, enjoying their happiness. Max was the first person to seek me out; for all her regular visits, we hadn’t actually spent much time together, as Kate would insist that I take the opportunity to have some time to myself.

“So, how are _you_ doing?” Max asked. “Is the role of dutiful housewife-cum-nurse wearing thin yet?”

I shot her a half-amused glare. “Not even a little bit. There’s no place I’d rather be than caring for these three wonderful ladies.”

Max smiled. “You really do love them, don’t you?” It was more a statement than a question, but I nodded anyway. “What happens once Kate recovers?”

I sighed. “I’ve been trying very hard not to think about it. It’s going to be difficult going back to visiting a few times a week, but I guess that I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.” Max looked like she wanted to press the subject, but I quickly diverted her. “So, what’s going on with you and Dana?”

“Er… nothing? We’re just friends. I mean, it’s nice to be spending so much time together again, but there’s nothing more going on.”

“So, you’re not interested in getting back together with her?”

“I didn’t say that, but… I really hurt her last time, and I don’t want to risk our friendship by trying again.”

When I talked to Dana later, I put the same question to her, and got an almost identical response. I mentioned that to Kate this evening, and she rolled her eyes. “Those two are like a bad romance novel cliché – or something out of Shakespeare.”

“Maybe we should do something about it, then.”

“I think we should give them a little time to figure it out on their own, but if they’re still ‘just friends’ come September, we may have to knock some sense into them.”

“Deal.”

#### Monday, August 15th 2022

I think I may just have had the best birthday ever. Yesterday started much like any other day has these past few months, but that all changed in the evening. Kate actually sent me home for the afternoon, telling me to have a long bath, then put on something fancy and come back for dinner. Somewhat intrigued, I agreed; besides, it had been quite a while since I’d had a decent soak.

When I got back to Kate’s place, there was neither sign nor sound of Rachel and Erin. Kate, who had somehow managed to change into a dress that made her look _stunning_ , told me that they were spending the night with a friend she’d made in her antenatal support group. It was the first time Kate had spent apart from her youngest daughter, and the fact that she was doing it to give me a relaxed evening on my birthday meant more to me than I could say. On top of that, the dining table was set with a crisp white cloth, silver cutlery, flowers, and candles. There was a lady in a chef’s hat working in the kitchen to produce what would turn out to be a delicious five-course meal.

“This isn’t simply to celebrate your birthday,” Kate told me, “it’s also an excuse to thank-you for everything you’ve done these past few months. I know you’ve put your life on hold to look after me, and that’s something I’ll never be able to repay you for. I guess that also includes your love life, even if it’s not something we’ve talked about for a while.” Largely because there’s been nothing to talk about the last couple of years. “I can’t offer you romance, but I can give you this _platonic_ candlelit dinner for two.”

I honestly didn’t know how to respond to that; I was tearing up, and suppressing a strong desire to kiss her. Kate, it seems, is adept at reading my expressions, though. She smiled, and gestured towards the table; I had a feeling that she would have liked to ‘seat’ me in a gentlemanly fashion, but that proved a little too awkward to do from a wheelchair, so she settled on pulling my chair out for me before taking her own place. Chef Natalie (the name was embroidered on her white jacket) brought over our appetizers, and for the next hour or two we happily talked and ate. It wasn’t just me; Kate was the most relaxed I’d seen her in months, too.

After dinner, Kate suggested that we retire to the lounge and watch a movie while Natalie cleared up. Knowing my secret love of anime, she produced a Studio Ghibli box set for me to choose from; after a few moments’ deliberation, I selected _Laputa_ – an old childhood favorite of mine. Once I’d helped her onto the couch, Kate leaned into me, and made an encouraging noise when I wrapped an arm around her. We stayed like that for the entire film, save for a quick break to thank Natalie as she left. Once the final credits had rolled, I turned to Kate and gave her a brief hug. “Thank-you, I think that might be the second best date I’ve ever had.”

Kate smiled, and ducked her head, clearly pleased. “Just out of curiosity, what was the best one?”

“Well, it was just after I first came to Philadelphia; I took this girl out for dinner, then we hung out in a coffee shop for hours, and ended up watching the sun come up over the river.”

Kate blushed. “Now I _know_ you’re teasing me.”

I wan’t, though. I was deadly serious.

##### Later

Oh, I almost forgot. When Kate’s friend brought Rachel and Erin home this morning, I had an immediate feeling that I’d met her before; it was possible that I’d briefly crossed paths with her, when she was visiting Kate – although she usually insisted that I take some time to myself when she knew she’d have visitors around, and therefore wouldn’t be by herself – but I didn’t think that was it. A slightly furrowed brow suggested that she was experiencing the same sense of déjà vu.

She introduced herself as Irina, while she detached Erin’s carrier and passed it to me. We headed into the house with Rachel eagerly running ahead of us. Kate thanked her profusely – as did I – and promised to return the favor if she ever wanted a night off. I offered Irina coffee and she stayed to chat for a few minutes. Her two kids, I learned, were the same age as Kate’s, so they’d met in their support group both times round.

It was only as I was walking Irina back to her car that she suddenly turned to me and said, “I remember where I’ve seen you before. It was just over three years ago, and I was at the hospital for a final scan, a couple of weeks before my son was due, and I sat with a young woman I found crying in one of the waiting rooms.” I froze. “That was Kate you were talking about, wasn’t it?”

“Yes.” There didn’t seem much point trying to hide it.

“That’s why you’re doing all this for her, isn’t it?”

“I don’t have any ulterior motive, if that’s what you’re suggesting,” I said, a little defensively. Irina shook her head. “Sorry. I just… Kate needed me; I could do this for her, so I couldn’t _not_ do it, if you see what I mean.”

“I do. Kate’s very lucky to have you, and I’m sorry she can’t be what you’d like her to be.”

I shrugged. “I want less from her than you might think; I could be very content with no more than we have now.” We said our goodbyes, and I wandered slowly back to the house, lost in a pleasant daydream of a future that seems unlikely to come true.

#### Tuesday, September 13th 2022

Kate made it very clear that she didn’t want a big fuss made about her birthday and, much as I would have loved to pull out all the stops and give her an extra-special day, I’ve grown up enough to realize that respecting other people’s wishes can make for a better gift. She couldn’t object to a visit from our two oldest friends, though, and since it was a glorious day, the four of us took a picnic down to the nearby park. Kate watched with a huge smile on her face as Dana, Max, and I took turns being chased around by an overly-enthusiastic Rachel.

Later, once the girls were in bed, and the others were on their way back to New York, Kate and I cuddled up on the couch to watch some silly romantic comedy which I’ve already forgotten the name of. It had been a great day, but when I settled down to sleep, I forced myself to remember a few things that I’ve been starting to forget. My living here is only temporary, Erin and Rachel are only my _god_ daughters, and Kate isn’t my girlfriend. Someday soon, Kate will have the use of her legs back, and she’ll – rightly – want to assert her independence. I’m not sure how much room in her life there’s going to be for me when that happens.

#### Thursday, October 27th 2022

Kate had her casts off a few days ago. I badly wanted to go to the hospital with her, but someone needed to stay home and look after the girls. I was acutely aware that the better the prognosis for Kate, the sooner I would have to go back to my old life. So, while I truly desired that she would magically come walking back through the front door with a spring in her step, there was a selfish part of me which hoped for less.

It was with some nervousness, then that I turned to the door when I heard Kate’s key in the lock. It opened, and she wheeled through in a more conventional wheelchair, her legs fully bent at the knee for the first time in six months. There was a man with her, presumably the ambulance driver, who propped a pair of crutches against the wall, before leaving with Kate’s thanks.

“Glad to have the plaster off?” I asked. That seemed like a safe opening.

“Very,” she said, with feeling, before laughing as an delighted Rachel clambered onto her lap. Further discussion could wait until the children were asleep; for now, Kate was eager to get down on the floor and play with her daughters, in a way that had been awkward and difficult for the past few months.

“So… what’s the prognosis?” I asked tentatively, a few hours later. We were sat facing each other on the couch, a novel experience after being used to Kate’s large casts having to rest on a stool.

Kate sighed. “Not great. I can barely stand, and when I do, it’s incredibly painful. The doctors said that the weakness was to be expected, given that I haven’t used my legs for months, but the pain was what they’d been worried about; the crash simply did too much damage. They think that with some physiotherapy, moderate painkillers, and the crutches, I’l be able to get around the house and so on just fine, but I’ll still need the chair for going out and about.”

“Is that it? Is there anything else they can do?”

“They did say that with a much more extensive exercise regime, and stronger painkillers, I might be able to manage to walk longer distances, or without the crutches, but even then, a quick trip to the store is the top end of what they think I’d be able to manage.” My face fell; this was the worst of both worlds for me: Kate wasn’t going to get the full recovery I so desperately wanted for her, but she _would_ be getting enough independence back that she’d no longer need me in the same way any more.

Reading – or mis-reading – my expression, Kate rested her hand on my arm to reassure me. “It’s okay, I’ve made my peace with it. Just being able to play more actively with Rachel this afternoon felt like incredible progress. If I can get to the point where I don’t need my chair around the house, that’ll be enough. The time I’d need to put in to get to the next level would be better spent with my children. I mean, if there was a good chance of regaining my full mobility, it would be worth it, but what they described doesn’t sound like it would make much of a practical difference to my life. Plus, I don’t want to take more drugs than I need to; they mess with my creativity.”

I nodded slowly; it was a very pragmatic, very _Kate_ response to the situation. “That makes sense. Just remember that I’m always here for you, whatever you need.”

“Thanks, but hopefully in a few weeks I won’t have to rely on you so much, and you can start getting back to my old life.”

“Please don’t rush it on my account; I’ve been enjoying this new life, getting to spend so much time with you and the girls.”

“Have you thought about having children of your own someday?” Kate asked.

I wasn’t sure how to respond to that, so I answered with a half-truth. “Nah, I’d rather just kidnap yours.”

Kate laughed. “That probably wouldn’t be difficult. Sometimes I wonder if Rachel doesn’t like her ‘Auntie Tori’ more than she does me…”

#### Tuesday, November 15th 2022

I slept in my own bed last night. It’s happened a few times since Kate’s casts came off; she insists that now she can make it to the bathroom without my help, I don’t need to be there overnight. I still _want_ to be there, though, but not at the cost of undermining Kate’s confidence, and the sense of independence she’s starting to get back. So, if she does more than merely suggest I go home, that’s what I’m going to do.

I had a quick catch-up with Qadira, so it was late morning when I went back over to Kate’s. Rachel came running to greet me, as usual, then dragged me off to play with her. This seemed to involve Barbie and G.I. Joe fighting off a bunch of dinosaurs who had rudely interrupted their wedding. It wasn’t clear whether this was some nefarious plot by Cobra, or if (Mad) Scientist Ken was out for revenge, although I suppose that backstory doesn’t really matter to a toddler. It was some time before I realized that I hadn’t heard a word from Kate. I looked around, and saw that she was still sat at the table where she’d been when I arrived.

“Mommy’s sad,” Rachel told me, seeing my look.

“Maybe I should go cheer her up, then,” I suggested, and she nodded, before turning back to her toys.

I went over to the table, and sat down next to Kate. She was staring blankly at some papers, a half-empty mug of tea beside them. “Hey, what’s up?” I asked her.

Kate didn’t reply, but simply passed me a letter. It was printed on heavy paper, with the name of some law firm at the top. They’d been hired by Aaron’s parents, I discovered, as I read with increasing horror and rage. _… and so, as a permanently handicapped single mother, it is out belief that Kate will be unable to provide the level of parental care that Rachel and Erin deserve. We hereby potion that, for their own good, we be granted full custody of our grandchildren._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended reading order: [Chapter Thirteen](/works/12393543/chapters/36775761) of _Piece by Piece_.


	9. The Last Diaries of Victoria Chase

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here we are at the final chapter. Sorry it took so long; a week off from writing due to extreme dental pain didn’t help with that, plus this ended up being possibly the longest one yet. The fact that the gap between posting the previous chapter of _Piece by Piece_ and this matches up almost exactly with Kate  & Aaron’s honeymoon is purely a co-incidences Oh, and don’t worry, the chapter title isn’t as ominous as it sounds.

#### Tuesday, November 15th 2022 – Later

It would be difficult to overstate how angry that letter made me. Trying to take a woman’s children away because she lost her husband, and has to use a wheelchair is just plain evil. Despite what happened, Kate has continued to be a wonderful mother, and her daughters are thriving. “This is bullshit,” I told her, “there’s no way a court is going to take away your daughters, not without evidence of neglect or abuse – neither of which there’s the slightest hint of.”

“But… their grandparents _do_ have money. They can offer Rachel and Erin things that I can’t possibly afford, a better life…”

“They’re free to give the girls those things _as grandparents_ , without having to take custody of them. And rich parents don’t necessarily make for a happier life; believe me, I know.” No amount of material possessions could have made up for the fact that my absentee parents delegated their responsibilities to an ever-changing series of nannies. No way did I want that for Rachel and Erin.

Kate reached out to rest her hand on mine in a show of comfort. “I’m sorry. Still, they can afford fancy lawyers, what if they manage to somehow convince the judge…?”

“I can afford fancy lawyers too,” I told her, trying to head off the panic.

“I can’t accept your money, Tori…” Kate began. I cut her off.

“Then let me make one thing perfectly clear: I won’t be doing it for you, I’ll be doing it for Rachel and Erin. When you made me their godmother, you gave me some responsibility for their wellbeing. It is my unwavering opinion that their best interests are served by staying with a mother who loves them, and I will do whatever is necessary to ensure that happens, even if it’s over your objections.”

Kate gaped at me for a moment, then smiled. “Well, if you put it like that, it seems I don’t have any choice.”

“No, you don’t.” I said firmly as I stood, intending to contact my lawyers at once. Kate pushed herself up from her chair and wrapped her arms around me.

“Thank-you for looking after my family,” she whispered in my ear.

“I’m only doing what I promised my goddaughters I would do, on the days they were born. And, what I promised Aaron I would do.”

Kate sat back down, heavily. “What?”

Mentally, I slapped myself; it wasn’t something I’d ever intended to tell Kate about. “A few years back, while you were pregnant with Rachel, he had me promise that if anything ever happened to him, I would look after you, and your family.” I decided not to mention what he’d said about the fortune teller; he never had gone into any more detail about it.

“Well, you’ve certainly kept that promise.” Kate was wiping a tear away.

“Thing is, I didn’t need to make that promise to _anyone_. You’re… my best friend, and I couldn’t love Rachel and Erin any more if they were my own flesh and blood. Everything I’ve done for you, and for them I would have done anyway.” Now _I_ was the one blinking back tears. I picked up the letter. “May I take this? I’m sure the lawyers will need a copy.” Kate simply nodded, and I hurried away, slightly perturbed. I’d come very close to admitting my true feelings for her.

I called my lawyer, and he gave me a referral to a firm that practiced family law. I called _them_ , and made an appointment for this afternoon. That done, I made a quick call to Ruth, to let her know what was going on; I was sure that Kate would benefit from the support of her sister. She was as outraged as I was, and promised any support we might want. She started a new job in Chicago over the summer, so it’s not quite such a short hop to visit us, but I know she’d still drop everything and come here if Kate needed her. Hell, she’d probably do that for me, too; she seems to have adopted me as a second big sister. I think that might be at least partly because she’s expecting to lose her parents soon – it was a girl, rather than the job, that triggered her move to the Midwest, and I’m pretty sure she’s winding up to coming out to the rest of her family. I don’t envy her that conversation, as I very much doubt her mother will allow it to end well.

After that, I called Max and Dana. It’s only been six weeks since the scheme Kate and I cooked up got them back together, and already they’ve become one of those couples who you instinctively always refer to as a pair. Max answered, and I explained what was going on. “I _knew_ I didn’t like those people,” she muttered. “Give us a call if there’s anything we can do to help, if… I dunno, Kate needs a character reference or something.”

“Will do. Look, I know you two were planning on celebrating your first Thanksgiving together alone, but…”

“Say no more,” said Max, cutting me off, “I’ll check with Dana, but I’m pretty sure you can count on seeing us next week.”

“Thanks. I’m sure Kate will appreciate it – and so will I.”

#### Friday, November 25th, 2022

I didn’t tell Kate about the late addition to our holiday guest list; the last thing I wanted was to get her hopes up, only to have them dashed by bad weather, a strike, or something else that would prevent our friends from getting here; that had happened to Ruth a couple of years back when her flight got cancelled. Kate was already resigned to not having her sister here this year; she was being taken to meet her girlfriend’s parents for the first time. Max and Dana caught a late train down on Wednesday evening, and stayed the night at my place; we headed over to Kate’s after breakfast.

She was surprised and, thankfully, delighted to have the extra company; I was happy to have the extra help in the kitchen. It felt really good to have a big family dinner together, still all friends, eight and a half years after we left Blackwell. What I was most thankful for was the way it lifted Kate’s spirits. Ever since she got that letter, she’s been in something of a downward spiral, half-convinced that Rachel and Erin are going to be taken away from her. Nothing I say, and none of our lawyer’s reassurances, seem to persuade her otherwise, so I was glad of the distraction.

Kate has had no shortage of support from her friends and family; her parents had even offered to raid their retirement savings to help pay for a lawyer, which certainly improved my opinion of them. Tomàs had taken the time to come to Philadelphia in person for a brief visit, to apologize for what he called the ‘appalling behavior’ of his parents – as well as spending time with his current and future goddaughters. None of this helped, and I think the only cure for Kate’s worries will be a successful conclusion to the hearing next month. The alternative doesn’t bear thinking about.

#### Thursday, December 15th, 2022

It was the custody hearing yesterday and, thankfully, our little nightmare is over. As I expected, things went Kate’s way from the start. All Aaron’s parents had to go on was the assertion that a single, handicapped mother would be unable to take care of two young children, especially with a significantly reduced family income. Their wealth, the idea went, would provide a much better life for Rachel and Erin. Oh, and they also claimed that it would be what Aaron would have wanted. Sure, their fancy lawyer had managed to dig up a bunch of studies which provided some support of their claims, but it was all very general.

The custody master seemed unimpressed by this start – what was to stop any rich couple using similar justifications to claim custody of their grandchildren? He challenged them to provide evidence that the children were in anyway suffering or neglected due to their mother’s situation – which of course they couldn’t. Instead, we presented testimony from the midwife, nurse, and physiotherapist who’d done home visits over the past few months, which painted Rachel and Erin as the happy, healthy children they are. When asked, Kate freely admitted that she might struggle to look after her children without support, but that she’d had plenty of it, and certainly wasn’t too proud to ask for it when her children’s welfare was at stake.

Things _really_ started to go downhill for Aaron’s parents when they were asked how much time the children had spent with them, and had to admit that they’d even Erin only once, at their son’s funeral, and Rachel briefly, perhaps a couple of times a year, during family visits. They were both too busy with their careers to take more time away. Their answer to the follow-up question asking how, then, they could find the time to look after two young children was vaguely that they would ‘find a way’. The final nail in the coffin was when our lawyer produced Aaron’s will, and highlighted the section that listed possible guardians for his children, in the event that Kate had pre-deceased him. His parents were well down that list; my name, I was shocked to find, was at the top.

There was no great surprise, then – although still a great relief – when the custody master announced his verdict: there was no reason for the case to go to court; Kate would retain full custody of her children, any visitation by the grandparents would be at her sole discretion. Aaron’s mother started to get up, as if to object, but a firm hand on each shoulder from her husband and lawyer seemed to convince her otherwise. She shot Kate a venomous look, and the three of them hurried out of the room. I gave Kate a quick hug, she thanked the custody master, and then we left as well.

The relief coming off Kate was palpable. She made a series of phone calls to let everyone know the good news as I drove us home, and the moment she rolled through the front door Max (who had come down for the day to babysit) swooped in to give her a hug. After that, Kate spent most of the rest of the day playing with her daughters, clearly reveling in the fact that there was no longer any danger of it being the last time. Max and I were happy to just watch them together, and then prepare a celebratory dinner.

Later, after Rachel had gone to bed, Kate gave Erin a last feed and then put her down too. After changing into her pajamas and expressing a bottle of milk, she turned to me and said, “I could really use a drink.” I blinked; it must have been eighteen months or so since she last touched any alcohol. “It’ll be fine,” she went on, apparently mistaking my hesitance for disapproval. “I can have a couple of glasses of wine, and it’ll be out of my system by the morning. If Erin wakes up hungry before then, that’s what this is for.” She indicated the bottle she was putting in the fridge, then pulled out a bottle of white.

“Of course,” I told her, “just remember it’s been a while, and you’ve always been a bit of a lightweight at the best of times.”

Kate gave me a mischievous smirk. “I suppose that means you’d best be the responsible one and restrict yourself to a single glass.” She made her way over to the couch, resting her crutches against the arm and lowering herself down. I grabbed a couple of wine glasses, then went to sit next to her, and we watched a few episodes of a new show we’d been wanting to see on Netflix while we drank. By the end of her second glass, Kate was both tipsy and sleepy, so I helped her up and into her bedroom, before tucking her in.

“Goodnight,” I told her, then turned to leave, only to have her catch my hand.

“Wait. Pleash don’t go.” She flipped back the covers on the other side of the bed. “I could really ushe shome company tonight.” I could hardly have denied the pleading look in her eyes, even if I wanted to so, after a moment’s hesitation, I stripped down to my cami and panties and crawled in beside her. “Thanksh, Tori,” she mumbled, then snuggled into me. I put an arm around her; she made a happy noise, and soon drifted off to sleep. It’s the first time we’ve shared a bed since the night before her wedding, before… I admitted to myself how I feel about her. It felt so good to be holding her like that, and a part of me wanted to stay awake all night to make the most of it, but I think I fell asleep not long after Kate.

I was woken this morning by Kate wriggling in my arms; during the night, I’d moved to hold even more tightly onto her. “Sorry,” I told her dozily as I relaxed my grip.

“That’s okay,” Kate said with a smile, and a kiss on my cheek. “Thanks for staying with me last night, I really needed it.” 

“Any time,” I told her. Seriously, _any_ time. I didn’t say that last part out loud, though.

#### Sunday, January 1st 2023

New Year’s resolutions:

  1. Keep looking after Kate, Rachel, and Erin the very best I can; or, at least, as much as Kate will let me.
  2. Get the New York project off the back-burner.
  3. Spend more time behind the camera myself.



We had a pretty good Christmas; since Ruth and her girlfriend had spent Thanksgiving with Zara’s family, and they could hardly visit Ruth’s parents, they came to stay with us for a few days. They were sleeping at my place, but we spent the rest of the time at Kate’s. Rachel was thrilled to have both of her beloved Godmothers there for the holiday, and Erin seemed happy to have the extra attention, too. Kate was more subdued; no amount of other family could make up for the fact that Aaron wasn’t there.

I got to spend some one-on-one time with Zara when we babysat the girls while Kate and Ruth went to church. She joked about how, since Ruth saw me as a second big sister, she needed to impress me as well as Kate; I responded by saying that, if Ruth saw me as a sister, I should probably stop flirting with her. We laughed, but I was touched – both by Ruth’s feelings, and by the fact that Zara clearly _does_ want to make a good impression on her girlfriend’s family; I take that as a good sign. I also like that, even though she’s been out and proud since her early teens, she respects Ruth’s reluctance to come out to the rest of her family, at least until Lynn’s no longer living with their parents and she can see her independently.

My Christmas present to Kate was, perhaps, a little extravagant – it was certainly expensive, but it was also one hundred precent practical. The wheelchair that the hospital sent Kate home in after her casts came off was large and heavy; not a great fit for her, and making it difficult for Kate to propel herself more than short distances. That said, she was the first to admit that she didn’t exactly have the upper-body strength for longer journeys anyway. What Kate wanted, but couldn’t afford herself, was a custom-fitted chair that would make things easier for her. She was toying with the idea of something powered, but didn’t really like the idea of being reliant something with batteries which could run down, especially when she _can_ wheel herself around in a lot of situations.

I convinced Kate to let me take her to a showroom where she could take a look at the various options, and the look on her face when she first tried out a compact, lightweight chair told me that I’d be able to persuade her to accept the gift. The salesman – himself a wheelchair user – got her to try out several different models, and explained the huge range of options. In addition to precisely tailoring the size in all three dimensions, there was a variety of footrests, backrests, and so on. She was even excited by the idea of fold-down handles – to dissuade ‘helpful’ strangers who might try to push her whether she wanted it or nor; or worse, people who tried to move her out of the way in a store like she was somebody else’s shopping cart.

When I asked about power options which would still allow for Kate to propel her chair manually, I was surprised to find that there were several. They ranged from a removable attachment that looked like the front part of a motorbike, to a replacement set of wheels with motors build into the hub that functioned kind of like power steering. It was the latter that Kate agreed to take for a spin, out in the parking lot. She was hesitant at first, pushing the wheels tentatively, but soon got the hang of it and was rolling along significantly faster that she’d been able to mange before. “That was so easy!” she told me, excitedly. “Even coming back up the ramp into the showroom was almost effortless.”

“We’ll take it, then.” Kate tried to object on the grounds of cost, but I could tell that her heart wasn’t really in it; the same pragmatic approach that had let her accept me paying the lion’s share of the rent on our old apartment kicked in. We went back to the salesman, sorted out the final details (including Kate picking a color scheme), and I paid the substantial deposit. It would take several weeks for the custom chair to be ready, and this was just before the custody suit began, so we’d almost forgotten about it when I got the call a week before Christmas to take Kate in for final fittings and to bring the chair home.

After that, it sat folded upon the corner by Kate’s Christmas tree, swathed in about half a roll of gift wrap, until it was time to open our presents. Kate left it until last, then eagerly tore off the paper. I helped her unfold and sit down in it, and she explained the power-assist wheels, then took it outside for a spin while the rest of us watched. Rachel, predictably, wanted to have a go, but settled for taking a ride on her mother’s lap.

“Nice,” Ruth commented with a smile. “All it need is some go-faster stripes, maybe a flame decal…” She laughed at Kate’s expression. “What are you going to call her?” She’d given her car a name, and clearly felt that her sister should do the same with _her_ new set of wheels.

Kate thought for a moment, before reciting, “ _God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference._ ” She paused for a moment before continuing, “I can’t change the fact that I’m never going to be able to walk normally again, and Serenity here,” she patted the chair, “is going to help me with accepting that.”

“Serenity… I like it,” I said, then got a sudden thought. “And I’m sure it has nothing at all to do with that old TV show you love featuring Nathan Fillion in very tight pants…”

Kate shot me a look that was half exasperated, half amused, before taking on a more thoughtful expression. “That actually works too,” she said, before singing softly, “ _I don’t care, I’m still free, you can’t take the sky from me._ ”

#### Friday, January 13th 2023

It’s a good thing I have plenty of these journals to spare. My mother keeps giving me new ones, every birthday like clockwork, but it takes me way more than a year to actually fill one. Anyway, I’m starting afresh because I don’t have my old journals right now. To explain why… well, I’m going to try and recount the conversation I just had with Kate. It started a little while after we’d put the girls to bed; we were sat down on the couch with well-earned glasses of wine when she said those four little words that can strike fear into the heart of almost anyone:

“We need to talk.”

“Okay,” I replied, forcing myself to stay calm, “let’s talk. What is it that’s bothering you?”

“This,” she said, gesturing vaguely around. “Our life. It’s… not sustainable. I can’t ask you to keep supporting me like this; you’ve rarely been to the studio or slept in a real bed for nine months now.”

“You never had to ask me, I volunteered; insisted, even. I’m exactly where I want to be. I get that you’re more mobile now, but I think we both know that you’re still a way aways from being able to look after yourself, Rachel, and Erin without assistance.”

“I do understand that, but…” She took a deep breath. “I had a letter from my publishers today. My last book did better than they were expecting, and they’re offering me a new three-book deal. The advance would be more than sufficient to allow me to move to a bigger place where Erin can have her own room, and the projected income is easily enough for me to hire some help. You could go back to work, live in your own home again.”

From the earnest expression on her face, it was clear that she had no idea what her words were doing to me. The idea that it was acceptable for some… strangers to take care of _my_ family. That thought stopped me cold. My _family_? Was that how I pictured them? “What if I don’t want that?” I asked Kate in a small voice, barely above a whisper.

“I don’t understand. The studio, the gallery… they’re your dream. Aren’t you the one who told me to never surrender dreams?”

“I’m not surrendering it. You’re right, I could be more involved now that you’re doing better, but I trust Qadira to do that for me. More importantly, though, I’ve found a new dream; one I never imagined I’d have.”

“What’s that?” Kate asked, her curiosity piqued.

“A family.” Her eyes widened. “I know it’s incredibly presumptuous of me, but I’ve loved Rachel and Erin from the moment I met them. Any sacrifice is worthwhile if it means that I get to be with them, to watch them grow up, to be a part of their firsts…”

“I… I didn’t realize you felt so strongly about them.” 

“I’m not sure that I did, until I saw them about to be taken away from me.”

Kate reached out to rest a hand on my leg. “I would never do that to you – or to the girls. You’re always going to be an important part of their life.” She looked at me for a long moment before asking, “what exactly are you suggesting?”

I stopped to think. Kate’s new-found success changed things. I would have happily swept in with all my money and supported Kate on my own, but I’d learned the hard way that she could never be truly comfortable like that. “A partnership. We pool our resources and find a new home together. We’re going to need at least four bedrooms, obviously, a playroom for the girls, a writing room for you… Sorry; I’m rambling. I can go back to work, at least part time, we can hire whatever help we think you need, but we figure it out _together_.”

“Wow, Tori, I… I don’t know what to say. That all sounds amazing, but… why? Please tell me you’re not still feeling guilty over something that happened almost decade ago.”

“No, it’s not that, Kate.” I hesitated; I’d been hiding my feelings from her for so long that it was hard to let go, but I knew it was finally time to tell her the truth. “I want to do this because I love Rachel, because I love Erin… and because I love you.”

Kate stared at me for a moment then, before I even realized what was going on, she was in my arms. “I love you too, Tori. You’re the best friend I could ever have hoped for.” I closed my eyes for a moment; of course she hadn’t seen my declaration of love for what it was.

“Before you decide, there’s one thing you need to know.” I took a deep breath. “I don’t just love you, Kate, I’m _in love_ with you.”

Kate sat back, her expression suddenly guarded. “Tori, I… I’m not sure how to respond to that. When did this happen?”

“I’m honestly not sure,” I told her. “I was in denial about it for a long time; years, probably. I only know when I finally admitted it to myself – August 25th, 2018.”

“My wedding…” she breathed. “That’s why you were _so_ upset at the reception. All these years, and you never said a word.”

“To what point and purpose? There would be no upside to that revelation. All it could ever have done was make things awkward between us. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you as a friend.”

“No truth could ever cause that to happen,” Kate told me firmly, “only if you deliberately did something to hurt me or the girls, and you chose a long time ago not to be that person any more. I’m sorry you’ve had to shoulder this burden, though; please tell me you’ve at least had someone you could talk to about it.”

I nodded. “Yes, I have – and please understand that I asked them all not to tell you, so don’t blame them for that. Ruth was the first; she actually figured it out long before I did – even thought we were a couple for a while, before you introduced her to Aaron – and she was the one who knew to come and comfort me on the night of your wedding. Aaron realized some time while you were pregnant with Rachel. That was a surreal conversation and, now that I think about it, we never did mention it again.” Again, I was reminded something else he’d said that night; it gave me chills, and I chose not to mention it to Kate.

“I told Max when she came down after the accident, and Dana… Dana has known for a few years.” Kate cocked her head, encouraging me to continue. “It was after Rachel’s baptism. She was badly upset by seeing Max with Sam, and I… I wasn’t doing too well either. She was staying at my place, and we ended up drinking a little too much, baring our souls, and then… then we ended up in bed together.”

Kate’s eyes widened. “You mean you…?”

“Yes… and no; it was my first – and last – time. That was when I discovered the other thing I need to tell you: I’m asexual.”

“I’m confused,” admitted Kate after a moment.

“Okay, that’s fair; let my try and explain it as best I can. I _do_ feel romantic attraction – wanting to spend time with someone, get to know them, hold hands, cuddle, kiss even – but not sexual attraction. Sex simply… doesn’t interest me. I don’t want any more from you than I’m already getting, I just want to hold onto it for as long as I can. You’re still young; someday you’ll meet someone new, want to remarry, give your girls a father again. I accept that, but until then…”

Kate silenced me with a finger on my lips. “Don’t be so sure. Right now I can’t even bear to imagine the idea of finding someone new to replace Aaron. For the foreseeable future, Rachel and Erin are my first and only priority. Maybe once they’ve flown the nest… I don’t know. For now, you three are the only family I need.”

After that, the next few minutes are a blur. There were tears, happy tears; and cuddles, lots of cuddles. Eventually, an idea came to me, and I went to root through my bags in the corner of the room. Since I’ve practically been living at Kate’s house for the last nine months, a lot of my important stuff has ended up here, including the books I gave to Kate.

“Your journals?” she asked, surprised.

“I want you to read them before you commit to this, to truly know me, to be sure about what you’re getting yourself into.” 

“I don’t need to read these to be sure about you,” Kate said firmly.

“I hope you’re right,” I told her, touched. “But please, for my peace of mind.”

“Alright, I can do that.” She leaned over and kissed my cheek, then pushed herself up off the arm of the couch. Tucking the journals under her arm, she picked up her crutches and made her way over to her bedroom. “I should get started if I’m going to finish these and get some sleep. We might be going house-hunting tomorrow, after all.”

Before I could say anything else, she was gone.

#### Saturday, January 14th 2023

After staying up into the small hours last night writing a journal entry, it’s not surprising that I overslept this morning. I was woken up by Kate gently stroking my cheek; when I opened my eyes, she smiled, and gave me a brief kiss on the cheek. “Good morning, Tori.”

“Hey, Kate,” I managed; happy, if a little confused. “What was that for?”

“For being you,” she told me. “It’s been one thing to watch the change in your actions over the years, it was quite another to read about the change in your heart. To see in your own words who you used to be, and how you chose and worked to change that. To truly understand the depth of your feelings for me; it shows through in your writing, long before you admitted it to yourself.” She lowered her head. “I’m sorry that I can’t be what you want me to be.”

I reached out to tuck a finger under her chin. “Oh, Kate, I’ve never wanted you to be anything other than yourself; that’s all I’ve ever needed, even if it took me a while to realize it.”

“You’re sure about that? If we do what you suggested, you’re not going to wake up one morning wanting… more?”

“What more could I want? I have no desire for a sexual relationship with _anyone_ ; hugs and cuddles are all I need, and you haven’t been shy about providing those – and nor has Rachel. I know that you love me, even if it’s platonic rather than romantic, and… love is love, even when there’s no question of a physical relationship.”

“I’m glad you mentioned Rachel, because she and Erin are my main concern. While I could understand it if someday you had a change of heart and chose to leave, I’m not sure that they ever would – and _that_ I might not be able to forgive. Also, if we do this, then I’m going to need you to stop playing the part of the cool aunt, and take on a more parental role. No more telling Rachel ‘ask your mother’, and you need to be willing to be the bad guy when it comes to being strict about bedtimes or whatever.”

“I can do that. You’ve read my journals now, so you know I love Rachel and Erin like they’re my own daughters. I want what’s best for them, not what’s easiest for me. I’m probably going to need some help and guidance to make that transition, but I’ll do whatever it takes to be the person you – and they – need. I just… you’re their mother, and I don’t ever want you to feel like I’m encroaching on that.”

“That’s okay; I was never supposed to be doing this alone, I was supposed to have Aaron by my side…” Kate choked up, and then began to cry. Gently, I pulled her into my arms and held her while she sobbed. When she sat back up, I wiped the tear from her cheeks, and got a small smile in return. “Sorry,” Kate said at length, “I just miss him _so forking much_.”

“I know, and I wish there was more I could do than offer a shoulder to cry on.”

“You do, even if neither of us can verbalize quite what. So, do you really want to do this?”

I nodded; I’ve never wanted anything more. “Yes. How about you?”

“Honestly, I think Rachel might have already made that decision for me. She hates it when you spend the night at your apartment.” Kate hesitated for a moment before admitting, “I don’t much like it either.”

#### Tuesday, January 17th 2023

I went into work today to catch up with Qadira, and found her looking through apartment listings. “My landlord’s trying to put the rent up again,” she explained. “He was pushing his luck a bit last time, so this is the final straw. It’s time to find somewhere new to live, and it might be nice to be a bit closer to here.”

The solution seemed obvious. “How would you like to commute by elevator?”

Qadira raised an eyebrow. “Are you asking me to move in with you?” she asked in a teasing voice.

“Tempting, but actually one of the units upstairs is going to be available shortly.”

“That would be nice,” Qadira admitted, “but I’m not sure I could afford it.”

“I’m sure we can work something out; discounted rates as a perk of your job, perhaps. Besides, it’s good for the business to have someone who lives on-site.”

“Yes, but you already… wait. _You’re_ moving out?”

I nodded. “Yes, Kate and I are going to be buying a place together.” Qadira gave a low whistle. “Not like that! While Kate might be able to manage a lot better now, she still needs some help with the girls, and I love being a surrogate parent to them.” 

“Not to mention that you love her.” Then, suddenly more serious, “you have told her that, right?”

“Yes, I even let her read all my old journals. There are no secrets betweens any more.”

“Well, good. I’m happy for you,” Qadira said. “So… when can I move in?”

#### Wednesday, February 15th 2023

We lucked out with house-hunting, and found somewhere perfect within a couple of weeks. It is, perhaps, a little larger than we’d originally envisaged, but having a pair of guest bedrooms isn’t exactly going to be a hardship, and no doubt the third bathroom will prove invaluable once the girls hit puberty. Downstairs, there’s a well equipped kitchen with room for a table that will seat four for family dinners, along with a formal dining room, a large lounge, and two smaller rooms that we can use as a study (primarily for Kate to write in) and a playroom. The house fronts almost directly onto the street, but there’s a large garden out back. There are a few shops and a café a short walk – or roll – away.

We were fortunate enough to be able to put in a cash offer for the place, which expedited the sale. For the moment, most of it is covered by a mortgage on my building in the city, along with Kate’s book advance. The plan is that once her old house sells, she’ll put most of that in so that we split the ownership fifty-fifty; as far as possible, we’re trying to make this an equal partnership. If Kate’s next books do even half as well as her publisher hopes, then she’s going to have no trouble meeting that goal financially, and as for the rest… we’ll figure it out as we go.

It’s moving day tomorrow, and then we start our new life together as a family. I’ve never been more excited about anything in my life.

#### Monday, March 20th 2023

In addition to Erin’s long-delayed baptism, we had a (somewhat belated) housewarming party this weekend. Those guest bedrooms meant that we could have both Max and Dana, and Ruth and Zara to stay in comfort. Qadira, Irina, and a few other friends came over on Friday night for drinks, and a meal that I’d spent most of the afternoon preparing. It was a great evening – my very first dinner party; Mother would be so proud of me. The friends who only really knew one of us seemed, in the most part, somewhat baffled by our new living arrangement. Some found it odd that I appeared to be largely giving up my career to become a carer/nanny; others, I rather suspected, simply assumed that Kate and I were a closeted lesbian couple.

Saturday was a more relaxed affair with just our houseguests, all of whom – with the possible exception of Zara – knew our history in considerable detail. After the discussions of the previous evening, the subject of how to define Kate and my relationship somewhat inevitably came up. Max suggested the term ‘queerplatonic life partners’, one I’d not heard before – I took the opportunity to Google it on my phone while she was distracted by Rachel.

I’m not sure if it really fits given that I very much _do_ have a romantic interest in Kate, even if that’s purely one-sided, and somehow I can’t seem myself referring to her as my ‘zucchini’. To be honest, I don’t really feel the need to put a label on our relationship – it’s only really going to be for the benefit of other people, in which case one that most of them will never have heard before somewhat defeats the point. Maybe ‘co-parents’ would be better, except that I’m not technically Rachel and Erin’s parent – and it suggests that our relationship would only last as long as they need parenting.

Of course, that may well be the case; Kate did give the excuse of wanting to focus on her children as the reason for having no interest in a new husband. Once they’ve finally left home, that might no longer apply. Not a happy thought for me, but I decided not to worry about something that’s at least eighteen years in the future.

##### Later

In the afternoon, Kate’s parents and her sister Lynn flew in from the West Coast – quite the Marsh family reunion; it was the first time all five of them had been together in almost a year. Tomàs arrived with his girlfriend, Nina; it was our first time meeting her, despite the fact that they’ve been living together for a couple of years, but I suspect that she may officially be an aunt in another couple. Judith insisted on helping me out in the kitchen, although that mostly served as an excuse for a polite inquisition about the new living arrangements; I think that I placated her by playing up my devotion to Rachel and Erin, rather than to Kate.

On Sunday morning we had the baptism service, which was not unlike the last one. Erin was perhaps a little fussier than Rachel had been, and Lynn was standing up as Godmother in place of Ruth, and I was somewhat more comfortable in my pretense of Christianity. I know how much the ritual means to Kate, and I think it’s well established by this point that I will do anything for her. Later, after everyone else had headed home, just like after Rachel’s baptism, I went to bed with a beautiful woman. Of course, unlike then, the night was entirely free of sexual content – exactly as I prefer it.

#### Thursday, April 20th 2023

Yesterday evening marked the first anniversary of the accident. It was also Erin’s birthday, but as she’s too young to understand that, Kate has decided just to have a party this weekend. Instead, the four of us just had a quiet, normal day – until the girls were both in bed. At that point, Kate’s façade crumbled, and she spent the rest of the evening sobbing brokenly into my chest. I eventually persuaded her to go to bed some time around midnight, but when I tried to leave, she pulled me down beside her. I wrapped my arms around the woman I love, and held her while she cried herself to sleep.

When I woke up this morning, Kate was already up; I found her downstairs, feeding Erin while Rachel watched some cartoons. “How’re you doing?” I asked her softly.

“Much better,” she said with a smile. “Thanks for staying with me last night.”

“I’m always happy to play the part of substitute sister,” I said, remembering what she’d told me about the three of them growing up, “I’ve even done it for Ruth on occasion.”

Kate laughed. “Well, you’re welcome to sleep with my sister anytime – now that I know you’re asexual.” Her voice took on a more serious tone. “And even if I don’t feel the same way you do, I need you to know that you mean much more to me than just a ‘substitute sister’.”

“Thank-you, that does mean a lot to me.”

“There’s something I want you to take a look at,” Kate said, gesturing towards a manilla envelope on the kitchen table. “Have a read, and let me know what you think.” Unsure what to expect, I sat down and opened the envelope, revealing a legal document. I began reading, and discovered that it was adoption papers; the three names most prominently featured were Rachel Oriana Santos, Erin Vesper Santos, and Victoria Maribeth Chase.

I looked at Kate, tears welling up in my eyes. “You… you want me to adopt Rachel and Erin?”

“Yes, you’ve increasingly played the part of their _de facto_ second parent for the past year, I thought it was time to make it _de jure_. You said you wanted to be part of our family, and this is how I can make it official. I want to be sure that if anything happens to me, I _know_ that the girls will have someone who truly loves and will take care of them. Plus, Rachel will be starting pre-K in September, and it’ll be much less hassle for you to collect her if you have a legal relationship. I’m sure there are lots of other good reasons too.”

“I… I don’t know what to say.”

“Say ‘yes’,” suggested Kate.

“Of course ‘yes’!” I replied. “I love your daughters more than anything, and I would be honored to be their other mother.”

“Not _my_ daughters,” Kate corrected me, “ _our_ daughters.”

#### Wednesday, May 17th 2023

I’m up in New York for a few days to sign the lease for our second branch, finalize plans with the interior designers, and a hundred and one other details. Max found the place last month; it seems that shiny new ring on her finger finally spurred her into action when it came to planning for the future. She’d also agreed to take on the role of Creative Director; planning shows in the gallery, and teaching classes – exactly what I do back home. Max seems to have the same nervous excitement that I had back when I was getting ready to open the place in Philly, but I’m sure she’ll be fine; even though she’s rather shy compared to me, she has a few years more life experience under her belt than I did.

Yesterday evening, we went to see the show that Dana’s in. She’d explained that it was a dance revue with a constantly changing lineup of performances; Max told me that she goes to see it once a month or so, and there are always a few routines she hasn’t seen before. The last piece before the interval was a spotlight dance featuring Dana and Jess, which was practically R-rated. After it was over, I turned to Max and asked her, “Don’t you ever get jealous, seeing them dance like that?”

She nodded. “Constantly; I wish I could dance half as well, with Dana, even if it was only once.”

“That’s not what I meant…”

Max laughed. “I know, but they were lovers on and off for years; it’s a bit late to get worried about them being dance partners. I trust Dana completely, and I trust Jess too. For all that their relationship was casual and intermittent, whenever it was ‘on’, they were strictly monogamous. Besides, Jess has a new lover, and…” she whistled.

I quirked an eyebrow. “That hot, huh?”

Max fanned herself. “Oh, yeah; I think my fiancée is safe.”

#### Tuesday, June 20th 2023

Rachel called me ‘Mama’ this morning.

It caught me off-guard, and I was so overwhelmed by emotion that I was struggling to hold back tears. We explained about the adoption to her when it formally went through a couple of weeks ago, but had left it up to her if and when she chose to change how she referred to me. Thankfully, the adoption process itself had been painless, what with Kate having initiated it, Tomàs having written a letter of support on behalf of Aaron’s family, and the fact that I’d been effectively acting as a second parent for over a year.

I scooped Rachel up into a hug; she soon wriggled out of my arms, but she looked pleased by the reaction she’d gotten. When I told Kate about it as we were sat on the couch this evening, she smiled broadly. “Well, it’s definitely official now! I never had any doubt that Rachel would accept you, and I’m very happy for you that she has.”

“You’re sure that you’re okay with her calling me that?”

“Of course,” Kate reassured me, “I’m the one who suggested adoption, remember? I did that because I want you to be an equal partner in this family, in our daughters’ lives. I don’t want them thinking of you as any less their mother than I am just because you don’t have a biological connection. That would be horribly unfair on you.”

I pulled her into a hug. “Thank-you. It’s the greatest gift that anyone could ever have given me.”

“It’s not a gift; you earned it. You’ve been there for Rachel since the moment she was born, and I doubt that you’ve ever been other than a parent in Erin’s eyes. I’m the one who should be thanking you, for all the support you’ve given us over that last few years.”

“I love the three of you,” I told her. “There’s nothing else I would rather do.”

“We love you too,” Kate said, and I know it’s true. It really doesn’t matter to me that Kate doesn’t mean it the same way as I do; our little family is all I need to be happy. “Wanna watch something?”

“Sounds good,” I told her, before asking Siri to fire up Netflix on the TV. Any plan that involved us staying snuggled up on the couch sounded good to me.

#### Friday, July 7th 2023

Last night was the grand opening of our New York branch. I’ve been up here several times over the last couple of months to help supervise construction, and to work with Max on the content for our initial show in the gallery. Even she was surprised by how many contacts in the NY photography world she’s made since moving here, so we had a large number of submissions to choose from. We ended up putting together work from several photographers – with the promise of larger individual showings in the future, if their pictures sold well – into one cohesive theme. It turns out that Max really does have an eye for the work, and I’m confident she’ll do just fine on her own.

The opening itself was a little more… high-powered than the one in Philadelphia, if only by dint of the city we’re in. I talked to several journalists over the course of the evening, and it seemed that their impressions were favorable, but I guess we’ll just have to see what they end up writing. One of them was the new girlfriend of Max’s ex, Sam; that could have been awkward, but it seems she and Max have managed to form a cordial relationship. I suppose it helps that if she hadn’t stolen Sam away, then Max probably wouldn’t be engaged to Dana right now. When I talked to Sam, they admitted that fact had helped them to feel a lot less guilty about the whole affair.

We’re planning to stay here for a few days, so I can see how things go, and also to go some sightseeing. Rachel is old enough to be excited about going to see things like the Statue of Liberty close up, and I’m sure she’ll love spending a day in the Museum of Natural History. I’ve found that I’m quite excited about that too – the idea of seeing things anew through my daughter’s eyes. Family, it seems, is the gift that just keeps giving.

#### Sunday, July 30th 2023

It was my daughter’s fourth birthday on Tuesday. It still seems strange to write it that way; even though it’s been a couple of months since the adoption went through, I still haven’t entirely wrapped my head around it. Rachel calls me ‘Mama’ all the time now, after mixing it up with ‘Aunt Tori’ for a few weeks. I never once corrected or prompted her, and if Kate ever did, it wasn’t when I was around. Rachel _chose_ to accept me as her mother, and that means more to me than I can say. I look forward to telling her that in a dozen years’ time, and having her roll her eyes and tell me how embarrassing I am.

We had a party yesterday, with friends and family. Still mostly adults, but I imagine that will change next year; for now, the only other children were Irina’s two boys. She’d brought along her husband too, which Tomàs was pleased about; Nina teased him that he was relieved not to be the only man present. Ruth and Zara came down from Chicago, which hopefully means they’ve worked through the rough patch they had earlier in the year; certainly they seemed happy together. Finally, we had Dana and Max – which naturally meant a fair bit of wedding talk, what with their big day being less than three months away.

Rachel loved being the center of attention, as usual, and I admit that I loved seeing her treat me as an equal parent in front of everyone. Each present she opened was excitedly shown off to both Kate and me, and she was happy to let Erin play with the ones that caught her eye. It was a shame that none of her grandparents could be there; for Rachel at any rate. The Marshes had sent their apologies; it’s simply too far and too expensive for them to visit often, and we’d already agreed to have them for Thanksgiving. As for the Santoses, neither Kate or I would be terribly distressed if we never see them again after the way they treated her last year, but we agreed that the girls deserve the opportunity to have a relationship with them if that’s what they want; so far there’s been no sign of interest. I suppose that there’s a third set of grandparents to consider now: the Chases; it was only a couple of weeks ago that I told my parents about the adoption, and their response was to be rather dismissive about my choice of living arrangements, and make vague promises to visit ‘someday’.

#### Tuesday, August 29th 2023

It’s strange to think that I started writing these journals exactly a decade ago. When I look back at those early entries, I barely recognize the cruel, angry girl I used to be. She has no idea how completely her life is about to fall to pieces, all the sorrow and joy that awaits her over the next ten years. I wish I could go back and tell her that, no matter how bleak things may get, it’ll all be okay in the end. I wish I could tell her about the incredible life I have now – but she’d never believe me; nobody who knew me back then would.

On the other hand, from what Max told me, it probably wouldn’t be a good idea – butterfly effect, and all that. There’s no way I would risk changing a single thing about my life now. I’m sharing it with the woman I love, and our two wonderful daughters. Sure, it may not be perfect, but it’s a damn sight closer to perfection than I have any right to expect.

My birthday was a couple of weeks back, and started with breakfast in bed, along with a couple of hand-drawn cards – one rather cruder than the other. ‘To Mama, Happy Birthday! Love from Rachel’ and ‘For Tori, in hope that thirty will never get any closer. Love, Kate.’ I laughed when I saw that the number on the front of that card was 27 when it should be 28, with the word ‘(again)’ in minuscule text underneath. We all ate the waffles that Kate had made, with Rachel on my right, and Erin tucked in between Kate and me on my left, happily accepting small piece of food from her two mothers. I was fighting back happy tears the entire time.

We had a lazy day at home, which was just fine with me; spending time with my three favorite people. I was amused to find that the birthday cake that Kate (with Rachel’s help, she assured me) had baked for me also had the wrong age on it. Just before five, Irina showed up to collect the girls; I was only half-surprised by that, and insisted that she have a slice of cake while we got them ready. Kate also packed some up for her to take home for her own kids. Irina wouldn’t tell me anything about what Kate had planned, but she did give me a big wink. We’ve had her boys overnight a few times since we moved, to give her some ‘alone time’ with her husband, and I wondered what she thought would be going on that night.

Three hours later, Kate and I were sat in the Italian restaurant where we had our first ‘date’, all those years ago. Somehow, that seemed perfect and, just like that night, we lingered over our deserts until the wait staff practically threw us out. It was only when we were sat in the coffee shop down the road that I mentioned what I’d been thinking about earlier.

“So, I have a feeling that Irina suspects there’s something going on between us.”

“Why would she think that?” Kate asked. I explained about our chance meeting on the evening Rachel was born, then again on my birthday last year, and how that meant she knew my true feelings for Kate.

“I’m sorry,” I said, “I should have told you sooner, but to be honest, it had completely slipped my mind until she gave me that wink this evening. This is my fault, so I don’t mind talking to her if that would be easier for you.”

Kate said there thoughtfully for a long moment. “No,” she said at last. “That’s not necessary, let Irina think whatever she wants. I very much doubt she’s the first person who’s made assumptions about the nature of our relationship, and she certainly won’t be the last.”

“So… you don’t have a problem with people thinking you might be gay?”

Kate shook her head. “No; I mean, if anyone actually asks me, then I’ll tell them truth, but proactively… coming out as straight to everyone I meet would be sightly ridiculous, not to mention exhausting. I don’t care what people think of me, only how they treat me.”

“And what if they treat you badly because they think you’re gay?”

“Then I’ll know that they’re homophobic, and to keep them at a distance – or cut them out of my life altogether.”

I wrapped an arm around Kate in a quick sideways hug. “Have I told you lately how awesome you are?”

She looked up at me impishly. “No, I don’t believe you have.”

“Well, you are one hundred percent pure awesome,” I told her. “So, wanna watch a sunrise?”

“Tempting… but I’m not sure I want to stay awake another six hours, or however long it is.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right, we’re getting a bit old to be pulling all-nighters. We should probably head home before I’m too tired to fold up Serenity and put her in the back of a car.”

An hour or so later, I was in bed and about to turn out the light, when there was a knock at the door and Kate came in. “Hey, did you forget something?” I asked her.

“Nope,” she said, tossing a pair of pajamas at me. “I’m here to give you your birthday snuggles.” She propped her crutches against the wall and sat on the edge of the bed with her back to me. Quickly, I pulled the PJ’s on, then let her know that I was decent. We both slipped under the covers, and Kate pulled me into the arms. “Happy birthday,” she whispered.

“Thanks for making it a great one,” I said, “although I think this part would be giving more ammunition to those people who think we’re a couple!”

“Meh,” said Kate sleepily, “just point out that I made you put clothes on first.” I laughed, and she planted a soft kiss on my cheek.

“Sweet dreams, Tori.”

“You too,” I mumbled, and drifted off to sleep with her arm still wrapped around me.

#### Tuesday, October 17th 2023

We were up in New York again this weekend for Max and Dana’s wedding. It’s just over a year since Kate and I set them up on the ‘blind’ date that finally got them back together, so I guess they weren’t taking any chances this time around. Of course, it’s also ten years since they first started down that road. We headed up on Friday for the rehearsal dinner – Kate was Max’s Matron of Honor, and Rachel was beyond thrilled to be their flower girl. Rounding out the wedding party were Max’s parents, Dana’s sister, and what appeared to be most of the brides’ significant exes – including Ferdi as Dana’s Best Man.

The rehearsal seemed to go well, and on Saturday, the younger generation of the bridal party went off for final dress fittings, mani-pedis, and hair appointments; I stayed at the hotel with Rachel and Erin. Mid-morning, I was joined by Max’s parents, who were similarly at a loose end, and came round to our room to see if I wanted any company. Despite not having met them before the previous night, I welcomed them. Ryan was interested in finding out more about the business venture I’d gotten Max involved in, and Vanessa clearly wanted to spend some quality time with my daughters.

“They grow up so fast,” she told me as they left, a slightly sad expression on her face. “Make the most of their childhood while you can.”

“I will… but I wouldn’t be surprised if you have some grandchildren of your own in the not-too-distant future.” I’d seen the wistful way both Max and Dana had looked at my daughters.

She smiled. “I hope so.”

The wedding itself was early on Sunday afternoon. Kate and Rachel spent the morning getting ready with Max and her bridesmaids; well, bridesperson in Sam’s case. I had only myself and Erin to dress and make up – and in her case, that was just a hint of blush that she insisted on while I was applying it to myself – so we got to the venue in good time. It was a deconsecrated church that now hosted humanist weddings, where I found Ferdi’s husband Harry acting as usher.

“Bride, or bride?” he asked with a smile, before directing me to the pews on the left-hand side of the aisle. Before sitting down, though, I went up to the front where I could see Dana already waiting, deep in conversation with Ferdi. She looked up with a smile as I approached.

“Well, you look fucking gorgeous,” I told her.

“And you two make a cute pair,” she told me. I wasn’t terribly sure that I was happy about having that particular adjective applied to me, but since I’d coordinated Erin’s outfit with my own, I suppose I’d asked for it.

“Nervous?”

“A little, but mostly just excited. I’m eager to get on with the next phase of our life together. Sometimes I feel like we wasted so much of the last ten years – no offense”

“None taken,” said Ferdi and Jess in chorus.

“– but I don’t suppose that Max and I would be where we are now if things had turned out differently.”

“You never know where life is going to take you,” I told her, “just look at Kate and me! Anyway, I’ll get out of your hair now; I’m sure I’ll be spending more time with you and your wife later.”

As I turned to head back down the aisle, I saw Qadira just coming in; she and Max had become good friends while working on the New York project, so it was no great surprise that she’d been invited. Erin waved at her, and we found a seat together. A few minutes later, the quiet background music was replaced by a loud fanfare, which led into what I strongly suspected was part of the soundtrack from one of the _Star Wars_ movies. We turned, to see the arrival of Max’s half of the wedding party. I’ll admit that I’ve never found her to be overly attractive, but waking up the aisle on her father’s arm, in that wedding dress, she looked beautiful.

The service itself was quite short, but I still found myself tearing up as Dana and Max said their vows. It had been a long road for them to reach that point, and I was glad that they’d finally gotten their happy ending.

##### Later

After the service we went back to the hotel for the reception – some good food, and lots of speeches. One of the brides (presumably Max) had the foresight to sit me next to Qadira, since she was the only person I really knew there who wasn’t sitting at the top table; even Rachel was there, sat next to Kate. Erin, who’d stayed mostly quiet at the service, was getting fussy, so I missed most of the speechifying while I was feeding and otherwise distracting her. I was looking forward to having a few hours to relax before the evening party.

Dana had had the marvelous idea of organizing a babysitting service for Rachel, Erin, and half a dozen or so other young children of wedding guests. Both Kate and I relished the idea of having an evening to enjoy ourselves without needing to worry about keeping an eye on the girls. There were already a bunch of people there when we got to the ballroom, and we spent some time catching up with Jess; when I realized she was there stag, she muttered that she was “thinking about thinking about starting to look for a husband.” I wished her luck; she’s certainly not going to have any difficulty attracting attention.

A couple of minutes later, Ferdi and Harry came over. “Hi,” Ferdi said. “Kate, it’s time for us to do our thing.”

“Oh, right. Tori, I have to go do something for Max and Dana; I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Uh, sure,” I told her. The two of them left, and I turned to Harry. “Any idea what that’s about?”

“Not a clue.” He looked as baffled as I felt.

A couple of minutes later, they appeared on the stage with microphones, and took up position alongside the band (some fellow NYADA alumni that Dana had roped in), with Ferdi perched on a stool so as not to tower over Kate. The bandleader announced that the two brides would be performing their first dance, and then Max walked onto the stage wearing a pale pink knee-length dress with a wide, flowing skirt that looked oddly familiar.

“I know that dress from somewhere,” Harry muttered, and then, as Dana appeared at the side of the stage wearing a short-sleeved black shirt and pants, I saw comprehension dawn on is face. “Oh… so _that’s_ what they’re doing.”

I was about to ask what he meant, but the band began to play, and when Ferdi started to sing, it all fell into place. “ _Now I’ve had the time of my life; no, I never felt like this before…_ ” Dana walked across to Max, took her in her arms, and they began to dance as Kate’s voice took over. I was reminded of what Max said when we went to see Dana’s show, and I can only imagine how many hours of practice she must have put in to realize that dream. The two of them were replicating the final routine from _Dirty Dancing_ flawlessly, and they looked like they were, indeed, having the time of their lives.

“I think she gets this from me,” I overheard Vanessa telling Ryan as Dana whirled Max around in the first small lift. When she jumped down from the stage a little later, she definitely used some flashier moves in her solo dance than Patrick Swayze did. Several of her colleagues from the show emerged from the crowd to back her up, and a couple of them lifted Max down from the stage. I held my breath as she ran towards Dana, and then the entire room exploded into cheers and applause as they pulled off the big lift.

That was the end of the showcase dance, and other couples were being encouraged to make their way onto the dance floor; Harry grabbed my hand and pulled me in that direction, and we danced for a while as we waited for our partners to finish the song and make their way back down from the stage. Dana and Max looked radiantly happy as they danced much more casually, stealing kisses from each other.

I bent down to kiss Kate on the cheek when she returned. “You’ve been holding out on me,” I told her, mock-seriously.

She smiled. “It wasn’t my secret to spill.” We danced for a little while, Kate twirling her chair around, but she soon got self-conscious, so we grabbed some wine, then went over to one of the tables around the edge of the room. “You can keep dancing, Tori,” she said.

“Oh, I need to get off my feet for a while.” Kate gave me a smile that said she’d seen right through that – but was grateful, nonetheless. The problem was solved when the two brides came over, Max to sit and talk with Kate, and Dana to drag me back to the dance floor. By the time we got back, several other people had joined them, and I realized that I wasn’t going to need to worry about keeping Kate company all evening. Over the next few hours I split my time between her, and snagging dances with Max, Ferdi, Jess, Monica, Sam, and Qadira, along with various partners, and a few other people I didn’t know quite so well.

It was after midnight when we finally picked up our girls and headed to bed; the happy couple had contrived to sneak away without anyone noticing some time earlier. Kate gave Erin a feed, before putting her down in the cot that the hotel had provided; Rachel insisted on sleeping in one of the ‘Big Beds’, forcing Kate and I to share the other; I wasn’t at all upset about that, and neither, it seemed, was Kate. We drifted off to sleep with my arm tightly wrapped around her.

##### Even Later

When we went down to breakfast the next morning, the restaurant was half-full of rather hung-over-looking people; I was rather pleased not to be one of them. We were mostly done with our breakfast by the time Dana and Max showed up, hand in hand, with blissed-out smiles, and not looking like they’d got much in the way of sleep. It was a stark contrast from the morning after the last wedding we were all at, when they were sitting angrily in opposite corners of the room; I decided that it was probably best not to mention that day to Kate, though.

We said our goodbyes in the hotel lobby, an hour or so later, wishing the happy couple all the best for their honeymoon. After that, there was nothing to do, but head to Penn Station to catch the train back to Philadelphia. It’s always good to be home, and even though we’ve only been living here for a few months, somehow this place feels more like home than anywhere I’ve ever lived before. Maybe it’s that old saying about home not being a place, but a person – or, in my case, three people.

Anyway, one last thing: I’ve been doing a lot of reflection over the last couple of months, and I think it’s finally time to let these journals go. It’s not like I’ve ever been much good at updating them regularly, but they have been a valuable outlet over the years; an outlet that I don’t feel like I need any more. I’m happy, settled, and finally ready to leave my past behind. So, yeah, I think this is going to be my last entry.

I can hear Kate and our girls laughing in the other room; I should go find out why. It’s time to stop writing about my life, and simply enjoy living it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended reading order: [Chapter Fourteen](/works/12393543/chapters/37690370) of _Piece by Piece_.
> 
> If you’ve made it this far, then thanks for reading! If you have any unresolved questions, missing scenes, etc that you’d like to see in chapters of [Missing Pieces](/works/14307216), then drop me a comment. I already have several epilogues planned, stretching 30+ years further into the future.


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